Episode 52
Bonus Episode - Vulnerability Is The Key To Love
In this very special bonus episode, the intersection of reality and practice comes to our podcast host when a very recent event took place in his life that was so profound, that it could of taken him off course. Listen to this small explanation and how it can have important ramifications not only in the ways that you can be vulnerable to help others, but to create the true best version of yourself to overcome obstacles that may be in your way, even when they are unexpectantly presented to you.
WARNING: This episode discusses suicide. Please consult with someone if you are experiencing a crisis and no other means are available for assistance. Dialing 988 will help save a life during a mental health crisis and provide needed resources where seconds count. Visit https://988lifeline.org/chat to learn more.
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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs
Transcript
Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and
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:determination all converge into
an amazing, heartfelt experience.
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:This is Speaking From The Heart.
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:Joshua: Welcome back to a special episode
of Speaking From the Heart, although
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:even as I say that, it might not be as
special after you hear what I have to say.
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:You see, this episode
was not even planned.
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:It was something that wasn't in my
schedule in which to record at all,
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:because it was something that happened
to me within the last week that has
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:been one of the most challenging of
experiences since my suicide attempt three
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:and a half years ago, in which I had yet
another relapse into the thought process
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:that got me into the bad situations
that I was in from the very beginning.
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:I have to tell you that for many
people that are out there, this is
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:probably not going to be an easy
episode to listen to, because it's
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:about me, your podcast host, Joshua D.
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:Smith.
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:As a matter of fact, it's putting
something out there in the universe that
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:for maybe one day, I will go back and
listen to and think why did I ever think
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:the thoughts that I did, but yet, I want
this episode to come out sooner rather
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:than later because of the importance of
what this topic is all about, which is why
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:this episode will not be numbered and will
not count towards any sort of significance
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:whatsoever into the catalog of my episodes
overall, but I do want to share something
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:that has happened to me, that I hope
might bring some hope in your world; that
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:there is always good that will happen
on the other side, regardless of what
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:you think your purpose is in this world.
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:Last Monday I had a fight with someone
that, even to this day, I feel that maybe
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:I could have acted better, but it was
something that was said to me that made
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:me really think about the fact that I need
to continue to have this conversation.
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:This is why Speaking From the Heart, the
podcast in which I started through my
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:business, Your Speaking Voice, exists.
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:This is the reason why I started
my business in the first place: to
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:continuously remind me of the purpose
that we all have in this world,
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:which ironically enough, when this
recording comes out, it is already on
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:the same week in which I talked about,
several months ago when I recorded,
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:Finding Our Purpose, to come out.
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:I think that it's often interesting
in our lives that when things happen
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:for a reason, we are often surrounded
by the same reminders of the things
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:that we're challenged to become.
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:We might be becoming that past
version of who we are before we even
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:realized what had transpired, and
let me give you the context of the
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:story that I wish to share with you.
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:It was about a week ago,
and I had a very bad day.
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:I mean, it was one of those days
in which you go to work, and you
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:think that you're going to have one
of the best moments of your life.
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:It's almost as if you think that
the work that you're going to
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:accomplish is going to change
things, but something wasn't right.
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:People were very angry that
day or just robustness of all
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:kinds of other things happening.
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:It just didn't sit with me that
that day was going to turn out
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:the way that I thought it would.
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:Some things were said to me at the
workplace that oftentimes would make
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:anybody feel terrible about themselves,
and it wasn't anything really that
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:extravagant, but being that I'm autistic,
which I've shared on this show, it
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:created a lot of ramifications for
my own mindset to really overcome.
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:Oftentimes I think that we want to
have this best day in our lives when
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:we go to work, or whether we want to
work on a project of any sort, but
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:this day was a little bit different
than what I was supposed to expect.
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:I got home, and I realized that I did
something wrong, and I'm not going to
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:mention their name, and I'm not going
to mention what had happened, because
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:I don't want to put that person on the
spotlight on this podcast, because I
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:always, especially in my own business,
want to respect the confidentiality of
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:others and they might be even listening
to this at some point, and I don't
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:want them to think that there's any
ill feelings, but the thing is, is
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:that something happened in which, let's
just say, an animal got out when I got
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:home and pulled my car into the garage.
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:I wasn't really sure that
moment what actually happened,
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:because I didn't see anything.
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:Later on, I was confronted by the owner
of that animal, in which, after knowing
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:this person for a long time, had said
some very hateful things about who I am.
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:Some of the things that ran through
my head after the things that they
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:said came alive, which I will share
with you what those things are.
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:I was told that I was really not an
active person to really contribute to the
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:household, which, let's face it, I know
that sometimes I'm not a very perfect
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:person when it comes to keeping up with
things and sometimes that happens because
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:of the hustle and bustle of my life being
a business owner and all kinds of other
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:things really translate into all different
types of situations that oftentimes
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:I wish I wasn't even doing after the
fact: cleaning up after yourself,
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:putting the laundry away, feeding
yourself, all those different things.
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:I knew that I messed up but instead
of being apologetic about it though,
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:my volume of my voice raised because
I was angry: "why was I being told
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:this?", and that I wasn't good enough.
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:Now and I wasn't before because that
was also another statement that this
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:has been happening always When is
that communication ever going to
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:happen though that we should have
been told that we need to change?
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:Then there was something else that was
said that really struck me to the heart.
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:These words, or the radiance of
what really has been my problem all
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:along and would forever get me down
into a spiral which I have had to
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:climb out of time and time again.
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:This person said to me that I
can't be trusted with anything.
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:That they can't go anywhere without
getting someone else involved
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:because I'm unworthy of their trust.
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:Now, I don't know about you if you
have ever been through this, whether
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:it's in a relationship or whether
it's with a personal conflict that
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:happens at work, but that let my heart
sank to the very depths of where I
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:was feeling on February 23rd, 2020.
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:Now, I handled it really well for two
days, and I also was talking to my
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:therapist about the situation which was
playing out in my head, and I really
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:wanted to get the assurance that I was
doing good things, that I am doing the
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:right thing no matter what, but yet I
went down a path that I'm not proud of.
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:I was thinking about suicide.
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:Now, I know it's tough to hear these
words and you hear it from somebody that
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:maybe you've been listening to several
dozen of these episodes, which, if you
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:have been an active follower, thank you.
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:I really support the fact that you have
been behind me in my journey and what
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:I want to share to the world and to
becoming the best version of ourselves,
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:but I was not the best version of myself.
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:As a matter of fact, I was out of
commission for five calendar days.
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:I could not function.
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:I had a complete shutdown.
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:What transpired after even
my therapy appointment turned
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:into something much worse.
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:On Thursday, after even trying to work
through some of the things and that I was
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:having a bad day, it got worse and worse.
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:The coping skills that I've been learning
and trying to improve upon in the last
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:three and a half years was not working.
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:I was struggling so much with
trying to understand and trying
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:to create those opportunities in
myself that really were not working.
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:Those skills that I was learning
was not working at that moment.
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:Those skills in which I was using
were not working at that moment.
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:Then, the posts on Facebook, which many
of you might be listening to this because
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:you might have seen some things on my
personal Facebook page that make you
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:question whether I'm truly okay: things
about rejection, a volunteer role which
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:I will not talk about here on this show;
if you're a friend of mine, you know what
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:I'm talking about, but I was rejected.
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:I even after all the improvements
that I've made about the things that
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:I do, and sometimes even the things
that I hold really complacent about
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:what I want to create in my life.
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:Nobody else wanted to see that I thought
I was a piece of shit to somebody else's
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:eyes, but what made it even worse was
that I was feeling that no one cared that
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:I was always going to be on the bottom
of someone's shoe, almost like a piece
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:of gum that got stuck and needed to be
pried out in order to be thrown away.
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:I was feeling like I was worth nothing.
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:I did not want to be the
best version of who I am.
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:I was putting it out there though
that my world was falling apart
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:and many, many people were
reaching out to me saying, " No!
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:Don't say that about yourself.
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:You are worthy of all the things
that you have been accomplishing.
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:The business has been something
that you have been really working
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:on and has created some of the best
of opportunities that you never
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:thought possible because of that.
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:You are doing so many incredible things.
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:You got to keep going and make this
happen no matter what", but I know that
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:also from some of those things that
have been happening was really about
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:the fact that I was not feeling worthy
of all the love that I was receiving.
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:People telling me, "This is
a marathon, not a sprint."
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:"You're far more successful
than you realize."
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:"This feeling will pass."
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:"It's just a bump in the road.
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:Just know that you're not a failure."
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:"Keep talking about your story.
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:Keep telling people who you are."
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:"Look at what I've been saying
to my friends and family.
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:Don't feel like you're a failure."
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:"Your life does mean something.
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:You can change this process."
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:"In your life, all you
need to do is stop."
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:People that I knew that were
just seeing me the other day were
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:surprised by even the reactions that
I had: "please, reach out to me.
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:Keep your chin up.
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:Make sure that you know that
I'm an inspiration for you, and
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:in turn, people letting me know
that they were inspired by me.
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:People offering that they want to
listen that the only way that you need
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:to get through this is to keep going
through and that you are an inspiration
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:and that you're passionate about the
impacts that you're making even my own
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:mom who if my mom is listening that said
that I should come home, and yes mom,
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:I know I do need to come home but what
I do need to come home to is that I am
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:not that same person that I once was.
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:I have to read to you what I said
on one of these posts that I want to
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:challenge all of you on, and it's the
following: I said that "I'm nothing but
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:a lazy failure that only takes up space
and can't be trusted for anything."
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:I don't know what hateful words that you
might be using out there that might be
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:challenging who you are, and it sucks
that I'm autistic because then I have to
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:struggle with those brain issues that I
have being on the spectrum, and having
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:to understand that these things come up
because the one thing that got to the
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:heart of everything that I've been through
really stuck it to me, and I know that
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:maybe I will still pay the ultimate price
because this is still new, and these are
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:things that are still happen in my life,
and I know that I'm still learning to
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:cope with a whole new reality since even
COVID before this ever happened, which
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:is my own personality crashing down.
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:I don't know what's crashing around you,
and I will admit that maybe I have none
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:of the answers that you might be listening
for today, but I did hear something in
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:my heart at one moment when I was laying
on the couch, contemplating whether I
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:wanted to really kill myself yet again,
and it was a different voice this time.
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:It was a voice in which I realized
that maybe I need to keep crawling
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:back; that maybe I need to keep
moving forward despite all the pain
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:and the pressure that I've been
feeling deep down inside of myself.
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:Maybe this had to be something that
was completely different from the
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:other times in which that voice spoke,
but I heard these words in my head
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:that I really couldn't get out and
I want to share them with you now.
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:Even in the deepest of the lows that I
felt, something inside of me erupted.
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:Something told me to keep going, to
not give up, to not lose hope in this
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:world that generates a lot of lost hope.
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:There are still people that I'm still
trying to figure out whether I need to
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:keep them in my life or not, and I'm still
in that process now, and there's a lot of
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:change unexpected in my life that's going
to be happening pretty soon, but even as
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:we get into the fall months here and even
get into some of the end of the years
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:episodes in which I'm going to be talking
about a lot of different things relating
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:to helping you become that best version
of yourself in the new year, I've realized
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:that there is one thing that I want to
share with you now as a precursor to
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:what is yet to come in my life, and it's
this, that might be coming for you too.
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:When this sort of situation that I
just experienced comes and smacks
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:you across the face, are you going to
turn the other cheek, and get yourself
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:smacked on that side, or are you going
to grab the hand that's about ready
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:to smack you again, and tell them,
"No, you won't ever do that again."?
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:Change is hard.
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:Sometimes even admitting some of the
things that you are going through can be
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:quite vulnerable, and I know I'm putting
myself out there, and there might be
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:people that will have questions about
this, and they will still reach out to me,
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:saying, "What is it that you actually were
going through?", and I'm going to tell you
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:that those people that want to reach out,
I want you to do it for the right reasons.
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:Don't do it just because you
want to have the information.
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:Do it because you want to know what
kind of change you want to make in your
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:life so that maybe you don't have to go
through the same situation I did, or maybe
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:put someone else through the situation
that I just went through, because
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:there's always two sides to each story.
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:Be the person that you can be that allows
you to change not only the circumstances
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:in which you are going through, but also
allows you to create the opportunity
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:that you really want to have in your
life, and that means that sometimes when
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:it comes out of the unknown, be ready.
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:Be ready for something that might help
you or might hinder you, but if it does
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:hinder you, learn something from it.
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:Don't let it be taken away as an excuse
for something that you are just then
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:consistently pushed down on time and
time again, but I also have another
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:piece of advice for all of those
that might be wondering if I'm okay.
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:It's one thing to say to someone that you
are okay, but it's a whole other thing
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:to go the extra mile; maybe instead of
calling a welfare check on someone, give
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:them the space that they truly deserve.
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:Instead of always thinking that
there is the worst outcome that is
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:happening, give that person the space
to process what those thoughts are,
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:but it doesn't mean that you have an
open book to tell someone to dictate
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:that things are going to be better.
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:One of the most original things that I've
heard, and even that I preached, even on
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:other episodes that I have published on
this podcast, let alone that are yet to
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:be published, refer to the fact that we
have to be compassionate listeners, and
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:I've mentioned and I will mention again
in a future episode about the importance
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:of Tom Kaden and Michael Gingrich and
their organization, Someone to Tell It To,
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:which has a fabulous staff of people that
are challenging the belief of how we can
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:use compassionate listening to change the
whole spectrum of how we solve problems.
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:Why can't we just be listeners, instead
of just dictating to other people what to
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:feel, how to process, and how to overcome?
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:We need to challenge the status quo.
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:It doesn't mean always doing the
same thing over and over again,
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:and I know that, which is why I
was able to stop myself this time.
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:Does that mean that maybe I'll
be successful the next time that
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:maybe I do want to hurt myself?
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:I don't know, but I know this much: if
you really think that, if you listening
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:to this, that you think that I am going
to hurt myself, that you think that I
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:am a victim, and I'm playing that card
right now, and if you think that I am
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:just some sort of two bit loser in which
you're just going to unfriend me even
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:after this, I want you to really take a
big step back and think about the fact
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:that maybe I'm sharing this because I know
that we all have hurt inside of ourselves.
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:The level in which our hurt radiates
can be so much, and it can be even
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:overwhelming to the point that
we are never able to overcome.
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:Those are the people then that do decide
to hurt themselves, and maybe even end
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:their lives if they're successful enough,
but I challenged something in my life
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:three and a half years ago, all thanks
to a friend that allowed me to see who
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:I truly can become, and I'm living that
best version of myself right now as the
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:founder and owner of Your Speaking Voice
LLC, being a podcast host of Speaking
258
:from the Heart, and sharing my story
across many different platforms, whether
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:on television, even on radio, even on
other podcasts, and even as I continue
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:to build my presence and get on that big
stage to always share what my story is
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:and how it can impact others, there's one
thing that you can do, whether you want
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:to do those sort of things that I'm doing,
or do it completely different, which is
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:this: keep feeding yourself of all the
good things that you have in your life.
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:Keep feeding yourself of all the
different things that you are able to
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:become just because you're surrounding
yourself with the right books, people,
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:and even coaching that will help you
become the best version of who you are,
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:but more importantly, as I've always
mentioned, pave it forward for others.
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:I can't stress it enough.
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:I am vulnerable in this episode
not to just gain points, not
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:to just say that, "Oh, woe me.
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:Please give me pity and sympathy
for what I've been going through",
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:because the world doesn't act that way.
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:As a guest of mine previous on this show
that you have listened to has already
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:stated, there is no excuse to keep holding
back when you have the unlimited potential
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:to keep moving forward, to keep telling
your story in the hopes that maybe one day
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:you'll continue to help others on a grand
scale, but it isn't about being on that
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:big stage, making millions of dollars,
maybe even billions in your lifetime.
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:It doesn't mean that you have to
always try to be the best person.
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:All you have to do is just change
one thing, maybe even one person in
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:your own life, and you can become
not only an influence for others,
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:but an influence on yourself.
282
:Feel free to circulate this podcast
episode to those that might be struggling
283
:at this very moment, especially as
we enter this fall and winter season,
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:which has been traditionally known
as the hell season for those that
285
:are chronically depressed, because
this is the time of year people are
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:going to remember their loved ones.
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:They might even remember some of those
tragic situations that they've been going
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:through this past year, let alone what
is happening right now in this world,
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:which there is quite a lot of conflict,
even as you look at the Middle East, but
290
:even here in the United States, where
this podcast is located at, we have a
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:lot more work to do in order to become
not only the best versions of ourselves,
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:but to enhance our voice, in quotation
marks, in this ever changing world.
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:If my voice today can share one
thing, and if there's only one thing,
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:I want you to know that I love you.
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:I love you for who you are, just as
much as I had to remind myself as I
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:was laying on my bed, and even on my
couch, telling myself even after hearing
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:some hateful words, that I am loved,
that I am worthy of all the blessings
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:that we can have in this world, but
I need to keep paving it forward, and
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:you need to keep paving it forward as
well, because you have what it takes.
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:You have everything in the world at
your disposal, and if you're ready
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:to work with someone that keeps on
bouncing back, and keeps on wanting to
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:be vulnerable, I'm your guy to work with.
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:Thanks for listening to this unnumbered
bonus episode of Speaking From the Heart.
304
:Not only do I wish to hear from your
heart very soon, but I look forward
305
:to it, because we all need something
in our life worth living for.
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:You are loved, you are an inspiration on
this earth, and just know that you can
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:be trusted when the going gets tough.
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:See you next time.
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:Outro: Thanks for listening.
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:For more information about our podcast
and future shows, search for Speaking From
311
:The Heart to subscribe and be notified
wherever you listen to your podcasts.
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:Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz
for more information about potential
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:services that can help you create
the best version of yourself.
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:See you next time.
