Episode #13 - The Lighthouse

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Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination, all converge into an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Welcome back to episode number 13 of Speaking From the Heart.

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Today we're going to talk about a subject in which is really personal to me, and

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I want to forewarn the audience that what you're about to listen to does talk

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about depression, anxiety, and suicide.

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Some of the three things that I have talked about in previous episodes,

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but again, this subject comes up if throughout this conversation that we're

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about to have, so if it's something that does trigger you, I encourage

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you to please stop listening at this point, and I completely understand

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if you're not able to follow through but this episode provides some useful

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insight for those that have ever been through such a difficult struggle in

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their lives, that they're looking for that beacon of light that's across the

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bay to guide us, no matter what it is.

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Now, you might be asking yourself that when you looked at the episode

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title and it says "The Lighthouse", you might be having a whole bunch of

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questions running through your mind.

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One of them might have been, "Are we really going to talk about ships in this

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episode, just like you talked about with Tricia Renzi during one of your episodes?"

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Sort of, we might.

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"Are we really going to talk about beacons of light and how they actually work,

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especially when ships are coming by?"

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Well, I hate to tell you this, but there's been a lot of advancements since the

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lighthouse years in which they've been able to help so many different people and

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so many different captains of ships to get to the right direction, so I don't

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think that we're really going to get into a scientific lesson as it relates to that.

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The question that you should be asking yourself is: "What is it about a

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lighthouse that really resonates with you, Joshua?", and I'll be more than happy to

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share with you what this is all about.

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Now, in the episode notes, I will have a link to a picture that I

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drew, well, let's say colored in, but I like to take credit of it being

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drawn, in which I depict a lighthouse.

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The lighthouse picture that I show actually tells an interesting story, so

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if you're nearby a computer, pause this episode right now and go take a look at

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that link so that you can follow along.

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This lighthouse that you might be looking at right now, whether that's

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in your mind or the picture that I have in front of you, was actually something

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that came from inspiration around me.

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When I stayed at the mental institution, which I have talked about extensively,

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especially in episode number seven when I talk about determination, it was something

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that really changed my life completely.

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What I didn't realize is the struggles that we all have in our lives ultimately

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turned into something completely different from me when I looked at this

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lighthouse that I had the ability to draw.

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You see one of the things that I was able to do while I was under observation

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at the mental institution, which was located in Maryland, was to be able

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to work with an activities coordinator alongside all the other people that were

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staying, quote unquote, there, and having some time to do activities, because

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let's face it, nobody wants to be in a mental institution sitting around doing

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absolutely nothing and thinking even more about those thoughts that we all

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have, and you have to keep in mind that during this time I was really uncertain

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as to what I really wanted to do.

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I don't know if I wanted to stay there.

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I don't know if I wanted to talk.

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I don't know what I wanted to do because I was still in complete shock at that time

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during my stay as it related to the things that were happening around me, the doctors

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that were figuring out what was going on and wanting to know more information and

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monitoring me, the nurses and the support staff that were essentially making sure

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I take my medications and I also ate, but more importantly, having activities that

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allowed us to do a variety of different things, whether that was having some

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physical activity or doing some activities that made the brain think, and one of the

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things that we were able to do, we were moved to a room altogether in one big

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group over to where essentially a whole bunch of art supplies were being kept.

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Now, I have to say to you, and I'm sure when you're looking at this,

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you're probably thinking, "Wow, Josh.

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I don't know if this was really a great picture that you really

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drew or colored in", but you have to keep in mind something here.

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That lighthouse in itself would ultimately dictate the future of my whole entire

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life; keep that in the back of your mind as we continue talking about this.

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I remember that day being clear as light.

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It was very sunny out.

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It was unusual for that day because I certainly did not

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have a sunny disposition.

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Obviously, who would, but as we were gathered around, the person

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that was the activities coordinator said, "All right, everyone.

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What we're going to do now is have some time to watercolor.

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Pick an image in which you like from the stack and spend some

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time putting in some colors.

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Make it unique, make it what you see as whatever that is that you want to see."

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Obviously, there's all kinds of different things.

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There were animals, there were locations, there were symbols, but then I came

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across the lighthouse and then I realized that this lighthouse was talking to me.

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No, not actually talking to me.

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Yes, I might have been a little crazy and I understand that.

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Funny joke everybody, I know you're laughing right now, but

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that really wasn't the purpose.

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What I was learning about myself though, when I looked at that

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lighthouse is, I have a choice.

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I can be a beacon of light for others, or my light can be turned off and other

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people won't be able to see what my true opportunity is, so through that exercise,

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I was able to work on this lighthouse.

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It allowed me to express myself in a variety of different colors.

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All the different shades, all the different hues, all the saturation, all of

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it was time in which I spent meticulously.

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Now you have to understand that for some people, they didn't want to

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spend as much time on this project.

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Some of them painted it one color and said, "I'm done".

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Other people took some time maybe adding 2, 3, 4 colors.

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For me, each detail started to express a little bit more of the story that

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I was going through, and I find even talking about this three and a half

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years later, and talking about the ways in which that lighthouse still stands

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in my mind, and even in that picture was something of quite significance.

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Now you have to keep in mind that I didn't have a lot of things

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when I came to the hospital.

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Matter of fact, I only had the clothes on my back, the phone that was in my

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pocket, which was taken away, and oh yeah, my shoes; couldn't have them.

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They had laces in it, and you could easily try to kill

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yourself by using the shoelaces.

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I was completely stripped of everything.

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Imagine being so empty, so incomplete and not sure where you can go, where

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eventually, something comes into your life and shows you the light of the way.

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That is the significance of the lighthouse.

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That is why I chose that, and I use that to my opportunity to create some of the

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best things that have happened ever since.

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When I took this picture that you're looking at, it's been sitting

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on a stack of papers in which I wasn't quite sure what to do with.

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Matter of fact, even as I still look at this picture, I'm still

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wondering if I should throw it away.

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It's not the Josh Smith that I look at now in the mirror, but it is something

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of my history that defines who I am.

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It defines not only the things that I have been able to do, back then, but puts a

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rubber stamp into the things that I have been able to do since then, and I think

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that's why that is one of the reasons I have kept and held on to this picture so

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dearly, because every time I look at this, not only does it bring up the emotions in

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which I have talked about in this episode so far, but it has also brought up some

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of the greatest things that I ever thought possible about who I was back then, what

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I still carry amongst myself now, but what I can possibly carry in the future.

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Sometimes even having these things that we carry around for ourselves can be

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great reminders of where we have come from, and sometimes those lighthouses in

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our lives, whether they are artificial or natural in nature, can also put us

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back on track when we feel lost at most.

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I know that for myself, looking at this lighthouse and thinking about all the

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things that I've been able to accomplish since then has been a true blessing.

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It's almost as if you're digging through old artifacts from all the things

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that you've been able to do throughout your life, and you've been able to

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now unearth them after all this time and you reexamine them, thinking to

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yourself, "Wow, this is incredible.

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I can't believe that I was doing this and I was making some fantastic

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artwork as a result of it."

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Whether you agree with me or not that the art looks amazing what I was able to do

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even after I left that mental institution is for a number of months, even as I

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continued to slowly walk myself back into society, even going back to work a few

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weeks later, I still continued to color.

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I got coloring books that were for adults in which I was able to color in all the

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different shapes, lines, and different aspects and I still have many of those

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coloring books to this day, which if you're interested in taking a look at

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some of my artwork, please feel free to email me at podcast@yourspeakingvoice.biz,

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and I could certainly send it to you, but it's something that has been of

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wonderful artistic quality, not just for my own life but also had paint

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the picture of what I was feeling.

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The feeling that I had was that I could be something, for somebody,

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for some time down the road, that would allow them to stay on track.

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It would allow them to not stray from that path in which they came from,

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whether that was from suicide, whether that was from feeling absolutely

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depressed about themselves or being full of anxiety, nervousness, not

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knowing where that future would go.

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That picture of the lighthouse is me.

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Even in the darkest of moments, I was the lighthouse that was shining

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light and I don't know about you, but for many of us, you might not even

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realize that you are the lighthouse for somebody else, whether that is a

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Facebook or Instagram post, whether that is a TikTok video, whether that is a

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Snapchat that disappears, whether that is something else, whether that is a

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LinkedIn connection or a Twitter tweet.

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It is all about having that record, having that influence over someone's

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life because that might be the light from your beacon that is being shined on that

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person at the right time, and you had no idea that it makes a big influence.

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I have to admit, being a podcast host, I never realized in a million years

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of all the support I would receive even just starting out with these few

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episodes, and I have been amazed by this level of support and commitment

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from people that have been inspired by the journey that I've been on and I

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even have to ask myself this question even after all this time: Is this real?

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Should I pinch myself to wake myself up from this dream?

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Is this something that I can overcome?

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Is this something that I have overcome?

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Am I really making a difference in someone else's life?

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The power of words has never been so important, and even right now, which

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is why this is an audio podcast for now, which is why it's created so many

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different types of opportunities for people to listen and be inspired, even

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from the stories of people that we have interviewed even for the people that are

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yet to come on this show, but I know this.

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If we could just take a big step back and ask ourselves, what can we do to

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influence others with our light that we shine on the world, we can certainly

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make a big impact in more ways than one.

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It doesn't necessarily mean that we have to figure out every single

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answer to every single question, to every single scenario that faces us.

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It can be as simple as just figuring out what is the next thing that we're going

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to do in our lives so that we can enrich it, not only for the people that surround

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us, but even for the kids that we have to feed, even for the adults that are

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in the room waiting for us to give that report about how the business is doing.

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It can be as simple as being able to be at the casino and blowing on the dice and

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rolling it to see and take a chance on whether we can make that jackpot happened.

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Now I get it.

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Not all of us have kids.

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Not all of us might have that job at which we give a presentation.

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As a matter of fact, I would condone for those that are gambling to stop

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gambling now, because really, you do enough gambling in your own life.

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Don't you gamble in life every time that you get up, looking for that approval?

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Don't you gamble every time that when you are talking to someone, that

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you're hoping that maybe they will see your side of it, maybe that you

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are able to help them get to that other point that they need to make?

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Maybe you are the one that can shine a big light on someone

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else's life, and you didn't even have to lift a finger to do it.

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That's the human condition.

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That's what makes us really unique in that we're able to connect with so

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many different people, with so many different backgrounds, with so many

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vast opportunities that lie before us, and all we have to do is just continue

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to push forward, figuring out what are some of the ways in which we can shine

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that light in all aspects of our lives.

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That could be the political, the social, the cultural, the economical.

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It could be something completely different, but the point of the

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matter is you are making an impact.

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Whether you believe it or not, whether you are locked away in your own

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mental institution, just know this.

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There is hope for you, because you are already shining a light on someone else's

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life and you might not even realize it.

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It's about opening your eyes and seeing that you are doing

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that, and even helping those that might be able to help each other.

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You could be that bridge where really other people can go and crossover

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so that you are able to have those authentic connections with others,

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because let's face it, we are, like Tricia said, we are ships on that vast

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ocean or in that vast bay, and those lighthouses that are being shined are

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from the millions, even billions, of people across the world that allow us to

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keep guiding in some direction, whether that is to the left, to the right,

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even backing up, but more importantly, moving forward, because we can move

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forward, even if we don't have that inspiration that we normally think of.

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We have what it takes because we are the lighthouse, we are shining light.

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No matter where it is in front of us or behind us, or even to the left or right.

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We are doing that just because we are capable of having that deep inside of

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ourselves and we're projecting it for all to see, because really, that sea is mighty

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and vast and can be treacherous in nature.

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Just to know that you're saving someone just because of your words, just because

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of your inspiration and because of your courage and tenacity to do that might

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have a bigger impact than you might ever think and I think that's why I should

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continue to show that lighthouse and not have it buried underneath a whole bunch of

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papers, and show it proudly in my office, once and for all, to inspire clients

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that they are the lighthouse for so many.

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Thanks for listening to episode number 13 of Speaking From the

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Heart, and I look forward to hearing from your heart very soon.

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