Episode 45
Episode #43 - The Power of "No"
A two letter word that we use potentially every day in some form, we often embrace the concept of saying “no” as being a powerful ally when we want to express dissatisfaction or displeasure in many situations. However, changing the way we approach this concept while still saying “no” may be helpful in the ways in which we handle a variety of daily interactions. This episode explores saying “yes” instead while still being able to say “no” at the same time, creating a unique way of how we form responses to our conversations.
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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs
Transcript
Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and
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:determination all converge into
an amazing, heartfelt experience.
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:This is Speaking From The Heart.
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:Joshua: Welcome back to episode
number 43 of Speaking From the Heart.
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:Today, we're going to talk about
something that is really personal, not
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:only for just you, but me as well, and
that is being able to say the word: no.
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:I know, I know, I know.
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:It sounds so negative; saying
no does a lot of things.
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:"No, I will not go to that job today."
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:"No, I will not do that for you."
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:"No, I cannot physically, mentally,
emotionally, socially do all these
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:things that you're asking me to do."
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:"No, no, no, no, no!", and yet, that
power of saying no can oftentimes be
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:the ways in which we give ourselves
excuses to not do something.
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:Now, I am not advocating in
this episode that I am saying
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:that no should never be used.
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:I think that there are times that you
have to say that two letter word in
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:order for us to be able to have some
balance, to have some comfort, to be
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:able to have boundaries for some of the
things that we often get ourselves into,
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:whether that's personal relationships,
work relationships or projects that we
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:have to do, or anything in between that
we need to take a step back and be able
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:to work on some of the things that have
to be done first, but I feel that many
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:times, as a culture, especially in the
United States, often use the word no to
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:try to create some of this best version of
ourselves, in which we might be thinking,
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:"Oh, if I just kept saying no to that
person, they will eventually go away."
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:Does that sound familiar?
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:You probably do that every time that
the salesperson that is calling you
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:from the other end, especially from
another country, is trying to sell you a
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:product or service that you don't need.
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:Ever heard of your
car's extended warranty?
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:I know I've got plenty of those calls,
and I know where the red button is on my
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:phone to hang up, but I know that that
can be disturbing and also tedious to
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:continuously say no, when you probably
don't even know why you're saying no
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:in the first place, and that's really
what I'm talking about more today in
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:this episode when it comes to why we
always say no instead of saying yes,
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:but there are some conditions with my
yes, because we can look at the cup half
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:full or we can look at it half empty.
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:Can we be pessimistic or can we be
optimistic about the advantages and
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:disadvantages of saying yes versus no,
and I think that we need to be able
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:to express ourselves when we're trying
to say something that is of great
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:dissatisfaction or displeasure in the
many types of situations that we face.
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:For example, especially when we go to
the grocery store and if you ever use
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:the self checkout line, you might be
faced with the question: do you want
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:to donate to this charity and round
up your total to the nearest dollar so
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:that you don't have to pay any cents?
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:Believe it or not, that technology,
let alone that prompt, often times
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:allows people to feel that they have
a sense of wanting to say, "Yes, I
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:want to be able to help that charity",
or "No, I just want to keep the extra
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:cents because the extra cents add
up", but even if you don't contribute
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:to charity, or you do contribute to
charity, it doesn't change who you are.
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:You might be doing it maybe once in a
while, because yeah, you're feeling pretty
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:generous today, or no, you just can't
do it today, but maybe down the road,
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:but I think that we need to take a step
back sometimes and see if we're always
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:saying no, or if we're always saying
yes, that maybe, just maybe, there might
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:be a bigger problem in our own lives.
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:Perfect example of what I've been
through in my life includes always
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:saying yes to every single thing
that was presented in front of me.
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:Being able to say, "I want to be able
to do this because I want to be able to
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:prove myself in your eyes; in front of
other people", or, always saying yes to
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:the fact that I want to be able to do
X, Y, and Z, and not only do I want to
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:prove you wrong that I can do it, but I
got other people that I want to show up
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:so that I can let them know that they
passed over a good person, and that's why
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:I'm going to say yes, but the power of
saying no helps you not just with those
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:boundaries, not just with the ways in
which we're able to create some of those
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:opportunities, those relationships, that
confidence in our life, it can change the
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:approach and the ways in which we handle
a variety of different daily interactions.
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:Think of it as almost a ticker.
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:Every time that you put a tick mark
on the sheet of paper of the times
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:that you say yes or no, which, if you
want to do that, even after listening
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:to this episode, definitely do that.
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:You might be surprised by how
many times that you say yes
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:and no throughout the day.
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:But you want to be able to understand
that there is always an opportunity
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:to say yes, but also don't have that
negative connotation that goes alongside
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:of it, and it means being able to
understand and provide, maybe not just
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:an understanding of who you're talking
to, your audience, which I often talk
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:about in my business with my clients
that are going through public speaking
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:how do you frame that message so that
it has the effective emotional power
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:and delivery, but you also want to
understand who you are exactly talking to.
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:Will they be able to understand
the answer of yes or no?
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:Will they be able to understand
whether those answers that you do
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:provide are actually creating some
of those understandings of what
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:you want to communicate to them?
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:I think that we need to understand, as
a whole, that everybody is different,
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:and the ways in which we process this
information, let alone the ways in which
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:we process decision making in our own
lives, can have severe, rippling effects
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:throughout many of the different types
of opportunities, discussions, maybe even
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:participation within teams and sports,
and even social activities for that
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:matter, simply because of the ways in
which we frame our yeses and no answers,
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:but being able to express something that
is on your mind doesn't necessarily mean
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:going to a thought process of having
to be angry all the time, which I know
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:for much of my life I would often say
no to people, especially when there was
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:an emotional reaction to it, because of
the way in which they presented it to
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:me, and that was not just because of the
autism diagnosis I personally have been
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:provided in my life, but it's also been
due to the fact that I've been let down
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:so many different times in my own life
of thinking that this is always going to
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:be the answer that I have to give because
of what I'm feeling and expressing to
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:others that I had this default reaction
built in every time that prompt came up.
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:Think of it as almost a social script,
which if you read about this in psychology
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:books and other things, it's really about
having a framework for yourself in order
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:to be able to communicate with a default
response; does that sound familiar?
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:It might because it also sounds like
having a stereotypical response.
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:Now, I don't want to go to that quite of
extreme, because for some people, having
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:that social script helps them to provide a
level of comfort and also being energized
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:to be able to say, "I know that things
are going to be okay if I just use this
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:prompt", and some people, especially
with the way in which our brains operate,
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:need to have that available to them so
that they don't have that response that
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:comes back to them and says, "Yeah.
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:I want to be able to have this
response, but I'm going to react in
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:a very negative way as a result."
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:I know that for many of us, we
often want to think that saying
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:no can be a liberating feeling.
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:But what if we were able to say, "Yes,
but there's a couple things that I want
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:to discuss with you before I say yes."
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:What if we start to say it that way,
as opposed to just saying flat out
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:no, because think about the word no.
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:Just a small little word in the English
language, which is translated into
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:multiple languages, mostly being shorter
in sense, still has a powerful rippling
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:effect that has caused civilizations, let
alone different tribes across the world
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:to go to war over the word no, because
of something that is really a powerful
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:word in itself, which could have been
framed in a completely different way.
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:Even politicians, diplomats, have to
be careful of using the word no, which
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:is why you often hear about this in the
news as not really the best response
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:to give, but what if we're able to
say in our own lives, that yes, we are
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:willing to help you out, or yes, I am
willing to give you that extra change
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:I have in my pocket to that charity
of choice by just simply saying, "Yes,
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:but I also want to say a couple things
about this so that you understand why
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:I have some reservations or concerns."
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:I know.
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:Those are extra words and it means
spending extra time talking about those
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:words, but the point of the matter is
this: we have lost sometimes in our ways
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:of talking with others about the ability
to create not just the ways in which we
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:can communicate with each other so that we
can fully appreciate and understand where
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:we're coming from, but more importantly,
I feel that we have lost our way of
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:being able to articulate, to be able to
establish points so that we know where
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:that person, place, or thing is coming
from so that we're able to be prepared
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:for what's yet to come, but having that
language, having that way in which we're
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:able to talk to others, having that
ability to be able to conversate, be able
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:to discuss why we have these different
points of view can certainly go a long way
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:than just simply cutting the discussion
off by simply saying that two letter word.
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:What if we use the three letter
word, and we're able to also use
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:it in a way that allows us to have
a bigger, broader conversation
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:about our differing viewpoints?
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:Let's face it.
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:We sometimes don't know where to
even start with that conversation and
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:that's a whole other topic in itself
that maybe we'll explore in a future
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:episode, but what I really want to
narrow on is the fact that sometimes we
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:have this duty, this obligation, to be
able to protect ourselves, and I will
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:always be an advocate for people that
have ever gone through such a terrible
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:situation that they need to say no.
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:There might be trauma behind it, there
might be reasons as to why, and they
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:might not be completely forefront about
what those reasons are, and that doesn't
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:mean that they're less of a person, nor
should we give ourselves an excuse to
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:attack or discriminate against them.
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:That is not the reason to be able to
use the word no and have these ways of
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:saying that we need to be all powerful
or have the upper hand as often many
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:leaders, even business leaders for
that matter, think that they need to
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:always be on top of everyone else.
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:That is never a good excuse to be able
to trample on other people and their
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:viewpoints, because that has happened to
me time and time again: being fat shamed
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:growing up, along with being harassed
about my speech impediment that I had
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:growing up that I still struggle from
time to time with, let alone how I process
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:things because of my autism diagnosis.
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:That doesn't mean that I'm excusing that
I have all these things because what I'm
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:doing in my own life, as even a coach for
that matter, is learning how to adapt and
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:to grow into those different perspectives.
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:That is what true understanding
of using the word yes means.
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:Yes, I would love to help you, but I
have these things I'm working through,
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:and I want you to just know what's
going on, so you might have a deeper
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:appreciation of what I'm dealing with.
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:If we're able to just understand what
that other person's viewpoint is, and
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:be able to understand the ways in which
we can say yes to them, and engage
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:them in a thoughtful conversation,
maybe we will be able to find our
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:voice in this ever changing world,
because we have been able to do that
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:for hundreds, even thousands of years.
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:Sometimes it takes hundreds and thousands
of years to be able to get to that table
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:and usually generations have to go by
before we ever get to sit down to have
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:that conversation, but there's one big
catch that's happened in the last 30
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:years of our lives, and that has been
the rise of information technology.
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:We can use that power that we have
now been able to harvest for good or
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:for bad, and I oftentimes see, even
on Facebook, even on LinkedIn, even
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:on X, formerly known as Twitter, about
all these different groups of people
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:that want to antagonize and even
disrespect others because they want
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:to say no, and they want to be heard
as the loudest no in the room, but you
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:know what the problem is with that?
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:They never said yes, but I have some
concerns that I want to state as well.
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:We are all guilty of it, and it doesn't
matter what your political affiliation is.
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:It doesn't matter what you come
from as a cultural background.
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:It doesn't matter what
your social standing is.
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:All those things, even all the
rights that we have in this world.
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:doesn't excuse the fact that we can be
stuck in this bubble; this stereotypical
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:bubble, that we have to break the cycle
in order to create some of the things
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:in our lives that we truly want to seek
out, but it all starts with being able to
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:say to ourselves that we want to change
the discussion, and we can do that.
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:We each have that power
to be able to do that.
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:We are capable of being able to change
that two letter word into a three
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:letter word and being able to voice
what's on our mind, because we can
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:say yes instead of always saying no.
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:We can create a way in which we can
provide value and inspiration to others.
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:We can help each other create the best
opportunities that we ever sought in
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:our life, but it means being able to
be respectful, and to be able to get
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:to the other side of that conversation
that we're going through no matter what
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:that other person, or place, or that
thing is trying to say to us, because
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:here's the deal: we are not just using
our voice for good, but we can use our
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:voice for evil, and we need to learn
to step away from that evil side of us.
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:We have the ability to not just
express our dissatisfaction and
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:our displeasure by simply using the
nonverbal tools that our ancestors
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:used that created some of the biggest
wars, let alone some of the biggest
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:disagreements that human history has had.
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:We do have the power of saying yes, and
I want to say yes to you, because you are
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:worthy of having that yes in your life.
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:I want to be able to say to you that
you can inject that personal touch of
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:positivity that is desperately needed
because you're worth it, and I think you
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:are worth saying yes to, even if I might
have some disagreements along the way,
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:and I am okay with that, as long as you're
willing to open your mouth, to open your
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:mind, and to open your soul, because
if you're able to do that, the power of
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:yes will always win, every single time.
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:Thanks for listening to episode
number 43 of Speaking From the
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:Heart, and I look forward to
hearing from your heart very soon.
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:Outro: Thanks for listening.
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