Episode #125 - Connecting Your Story Into The Broader Purpose of Our Lives: An Interview With Elaine Benfield

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Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 125 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Today we will have Elaine Benfield

join us, and Elaine is an experienced

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software leader with over 20

years of expertise in marketing.

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Following significant life changes

during her 50th year, Elaine embarked

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on a mission to share inspiring

stories of remarkable women, crafting

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narratives that empower and motivate.

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Based in Atlanta, Georgia, she actively

participates in pride and human rights

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campaign initiatives, and dedicates her

time to volunteering with dog charities.

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Outside of her professional pursuits,

Elaine cherishes moments of travel

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alongside her family and friends,

and I have to say, this woman focused

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episode really digs into the core of

why it's so important not only to have

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a marketing background to be able to

sell yourself, but yet, at the same

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time, why stories matter I think we

volunteer in a variety of different

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ways, not only in the nonprofits that

we engage with, but in the ways in

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which we're willing to help others.

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Being able to build a professional

career also means that not only do

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you have to worry about relationships,

but you have to find standards in

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which you can find your happiness in,

but the biggest key, which we'll talk

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about even later on, is that it's the

vulnerability to help others, to help

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them see what their value is all about.

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But with that, let's go to the episode.

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Alright, we're here with Elaine Benfield.

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Elaine!

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Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

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Elaine: Thank you.

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Thanks so much for having me.

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Joshua: Absolutely.

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I really have been excited to do this

interview, because you got a lot going

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on in your life and a lot of different

things, so I already let the audience know

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a little bit about you and I would just

want to jump right into it, because one

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of the first things that stood out to me,

and this is because I have done a full

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time job, and I still do a full time job,

with IT procurement, and I noticed that

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you are experienced software leader, and

you've done a lot of years with software,

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so I'm curious what got you into that, and

what also jumped you into the marketing

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field, because those are some unique

dynamics, and I just want our audience to

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know a little bit, and I'm curious myself.

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Elaine: Yeah, it's interesting.

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I ended up going to University

of Delaware, and have a

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consumer economics background.

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I thought I'd be the next Ralph Nader.

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I lived in DC, working for a lobbying

firm, NFIB small business lobbying

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firm, for a couple of years, and

then just made that choice of, "Oh,

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I don't really want to be a lawyer.

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What do I want to do next?"

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I ended up living in Europe, and then went

to Boston to get my MBA, and a professor

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in class said, "Hey, you really should

look at high tech.", and I was like,

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"I have no idea what that means.", and

so I ended up getting an internship.

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Ended up getting into kind of the field

of public relations, but really liked

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it from the technology side, and so I

started my career with really trying to

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tell the story for technology vendors,

but a simplistic marketing view.

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I look at it as I'm dangerous enough

from a technology standpoint, but I want

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to use real world words to help narrate

what a company is doing and can make

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businesses better, so I kind of fell into

that and I've been doing it; I'm going

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to age myself, over 25 years; been in

small companies, large companies, been

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all across the Boston area, Atlanta,

and just love it; love high tech.

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With AI, I'm sure everyone's

really understanding technology

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can really advance our world.

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Joshua: Don't worry, you don't

look a day over 20, so don't think.

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Yeah, I knew it.

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I knew you would, but what led you into

sharing stories that help empower women?

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I'm kind of curious where the

connection is with that, because my

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listeners are probably like, "Wait.

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Software, and then empowering women?,

I mean, yeah, there's some indirect

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correlations, but what led you into that?

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Elaine: So, it's interesting.

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Over the years, I really just have this

great opportunity to work with men and

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women, but what was always interesting

is women, it's few and far between.

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I really struggled finding the women

that inspired me, and then I started

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having these great relationships

with women in tech, that somehow,

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their stories are never told.

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No offense, but women tend to, in my

experience is women in technology are a

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little bit more in the background, and so

for me, I always wanted to find a voice

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for these women, and I always say that

history is always an interesting path,

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but I want to talk about "herstory".

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Why is a woman successful in tech?

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How did they get there, and

how are they breaking barriers?

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I now have colleagues I work with 15

years ago that are now CEOs, and what

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I've seen is the market is shifting

a little, and that's why I just, you

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know, because I have this network of

amazing women in technology, I just

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have a great network of, and community

of women, but tech, to me is, I

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want to tell these women's stories.

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Joshua: Did you just say "herstories"?

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Elaine: It's "herstories."

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I bought the right.

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Joshua: That's an interesting-

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Elaine: Yeah, so you always hear her

story, but I want to tell more than one,

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so I own the rights to herstories.com,

and to me, it's the multiple stories,

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and I joke with you before that I

don't discredit men; love men, and

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I want to hear men's perspective

for women's stories, or what do they

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think of- my 17 year old son loves

talking about how he sees women being

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reflected in his generation, but to

me, I really want to focus on women

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that won't tell their story, and every

time I tell a woman I say, "You're

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inspiring.", they're like, "Am I?

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Why?", and they're always surprised.

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They don't see themselves as inspiring.

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Joshua: I find that really fascinating,

because, I know there's been a

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generation of men and women that have

had issues with being able to feel

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like they are valued or recognized.

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I know for me, being a millennial,

sometimes I have that issue of feeling

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like I'm recognized, and I have to kind

of stand out, and I think that's where

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we got that concept of participation

trophies growing up, but I think we

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overdid it a little bit too, because

we need to learn the hard facts of

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life, but you are saying something

interesting about women in particular,

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because with your website, which I have

up and I'm looking at it, and for my

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listeners, I'll have it in the episode

notes to that you could go check out.

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You have a podcast.

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You have videos.

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You have blogs.

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Are you trying to not just tell the story

in a variety of different ways to help get

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that story out, or is there a different

cause, or different reason, for getting

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the women's stories out, because I think

it's one thing to be able to say, "Yeah.

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We need to break that glass ceiling.",

which I've always heard, and women have

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definitely been doing that over the

last 20 years, I think, in my view,

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but has there been more of a motivation

to get those stories out there?

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Elaine: Yeah.

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I think people are consuming

content differently.

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It's funny because people stop me

and they're like, "Wait a second.

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Are you doing herstories?",

and they're like, "Oh.

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I listened to you on Apple.",

and then some people are like,

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"Oh, I love you on YouTube."

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I'm trying to have whatever medium

someone wants to listen to women's

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stories, they can, whether it be me

writing from personal experience, and

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just really any way you want to listen

to women or, honestly, stories, I want

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to provide it, and I get people that

really like kind of all combinations.

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I'm always surprised that it's like, "Oh.

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You listen on Spotify.

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You listen...."; just

whatever way you want to.

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Joshua: I have to do an informal

market survey at this point, so

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which medium, Elaine, works the

best that you hear a lot about?

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Is it audio?

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Is it video?

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Elaine: My impression is most of

my friends, I say this honestly,

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are like, "Oh, we missed you.

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I'll see you on YouTube.", because I live

here, and a lot of my friends are global,

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so they're like, "Oh, I liked seeing you

today on Instagram.", cause they get to

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see me more live, but, I would say 90

percent are listening to me on a podcast,

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whether it's Spotify, Apple Podcasts.

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People are walking, running.

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I get texts from family, friends saying,

"Hey, I just listened to this episode.

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I was working out at the gym.", so

it's that to me, I think, honestly, is

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probably the most popular, but I do get

the interest with YouTube that people are

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like, "Oh, I want to see your face again,

because I'm not around all the time.

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Joshua: You heard it here, folks.

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It's the audio way to go, not exactly

video, which is why I'm just audio

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right now, with aspirations to

maybe do video one time, but yeah.

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You proved my point, so thank you.

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I'm glad that I did this survey with you,

so, Elaine, there was something else that

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really stood out to me about your bio,

and it's that you participate in pride and

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human rights campaigns initiatives, so,

I'm scratching my head, again, thinking,

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"Okay, so we got the women, and you've

been in software, you've done marketing.

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"How does this sort of facet of your

life fit into the bigger puzzle pieces?

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Elaine: Yeah.

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I always volunteered

with different causes.

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I always wanted to.

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Just my whole life, my father

was a big activist growing up

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in Allentown, Pennsylvania, and

I really want to help everyone.

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Everyone has a voice, and so I started

volunteering in local community.

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There's a wonderful store, Lost and

Found, here in Atlanta, that helps

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LBGTQ plus kids that are homeless, and

so I really started getting involved

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in that, maybe 15, 20 years ago, and

then my company said, "Hey, we want

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to start an Atlanta chapter for pride.

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Are you interested in being one of

the co-chairs?", and so it kind of

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evolved from that, that I just am

really passionate about- you know,

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there should be no discrimination.

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Everyone should be equal across any

race, who you love, and it just kind

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of took off from that, just being

who I am as a fundamental belief.

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Joshua: Is there a personal reason as

to why, though, because I've always

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found that there's a motivation

inside of us that drives us to make

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this happen in our lives; this cause.

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For example, one of the biggest things

that I've been wanting to help people

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out with is to to help empower them,

so I've worked with a domestic violence

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shelter for a number of years called

the Shalom House, here in Harrisburg,

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Pennsylvania, that does that sort of

work, and I always enjoyed their work.

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I took a step away because of the

business and other shifting things,

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but for you, is there a reason

why you do this work personally?

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Elaine: I almost think it's foreshadowing,

because I had that in my DNA, helping,

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and then it led into my child, at

the time was 17, and ended up coming

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out as a trans girl, trans woman,

and so to me, that correlation of I'm

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that open, that within five days of

my child discovering that light bulb

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moment going, "I feel like I'm in the

wrong body.", there was no question.

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My daughter knew that I would

accept it, love it, embrace it.

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Obviously take a pause to go,

"Let's make sure, going through

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psychiatrists and doctors, and make

sure this is the right path.", but

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there was no lack of love or support.

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I struggled with pronouns at first,

but because I was so open and they

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saw me, I marched in pride parades.

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What I say is I really believe,

and the kids knew that, so I think

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that that kind of led into really

foreshadowing that they are allowed to

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be who they're meant to be, because of

my acceptance, and the volunteering.

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Joshua: Well, I think I might've

just fallen into why that reason

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is, and that's really interesting.

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I have friends that have had transgender

kids that they were raising, and I've had

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clients that I've worked with that have

wrestled with this sort of subject matter,

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too, and I'm kind of curious of your

thoughts, because you're a parent of one.

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What does it mean to you when

your child opens up about that.

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Was that a scary moment?

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Was it something like, "Oh, I'm

not really prepared for it?"

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I think there's some listeners that have a

misconception or maybe a misunderstanding,

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perhaps, of how to best navigate through

these sort of situations, and I'm

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wondering if you have any advice for them,

especially if they have this conversation.

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Elaine: Well, we talked about

a little bit briefly offline.

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The biggest fear I had when I started

volunteering is, homeless, LBGT kids,

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once they come out to their parents,

the suicide rates are astronomical,

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and there wasn't a doubt in my mind,

I'm not going to deny, I was shocked.

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There were no signs that my child

didn't feel that they were in the

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right body, but my first question,

when my daughter said, "Hey, I

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have a friend that's just came out.

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She's a trans woman.", and then I looked

over, and I'll never forget driving in the

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car, and said, "Do you feel you're in the

wrong body?", and my daughter instantly

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said, "Yes.", and you look and go, no

matter what, and so many of my friends

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and therapists have said, "How'd you

know to ask that?", and it was instinct.

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I can't explain it.

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I just knew, and to me,

my child's my child.

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You can throw any name you want.

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I look at my baby who I birthed.

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That is my child.

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I don't care what you call my child,

but seeing her become who she's meant

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to be, she is happier every day.

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I think she says it, she was

suicidal, which we didn't know.

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If I would have done things differently

and not been so accepting, we would

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have a different conversation right now.

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Listen to your child.

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They're not trying to do this, and I

know there's always the cases; there's

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some children that want attention.

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That is not the case with the majority.

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Kids are struggling.

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They should be accepted, and I

think parents just have to find

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that path of, "It's your child."

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I know for me, it was black and white.

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It was like, "This is my child.

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I don't care."

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I just want to make sure I

navigate it to make the transition

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the easiest as possible.

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Joshua: Well, building off of that, how

do you make that transition as easy as

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possible, because I think sometimes our

society doesn't make it easy to have

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that sort of roadmap, and I hate to

say it, but I think even our government

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sometimes makes it very difficult for

some people to feel like they're accepted

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in society, so I'm kind of curious,

what are some things that you have done

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to make that transition a lot easier,

especially for- is it your daughter?

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I just want to be respectful.

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It is your daughter?

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Okay.

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Great.

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Hi, Hannah, if you're listening.

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Elaine: She will, she will.

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She's happy I'm writing the word,

really, and then she's also being

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more active vocally as well.

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I looked at it as I'm a planner, so when

Hannah first came out to me, I was like,

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"I'm so supportive.", and she almost tried

to threaten me, which she'll agree with.

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She said, "I turned 18 in November,

so if you don't support me, I'm going

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to do this without you anyway.", and I

kept saying, "I'm going to support you,

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but, let's go see your pediatrician.

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Let's go see a therapist.

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Let's go see a specialist.", and so,

pretty much from mid-February to May, we

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saw all these doctors for me to be okay

with HRT, hormone replacement therapy,

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and I just knew speaking with the doctors

made me at ease, so any parent there's

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a child, make sure you do your due

diligence to speak with professionals.

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I'm not an expert on this, but I

knew this is what my child wanted.

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I had thousands of questions.

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I had a notebook with all these, " What

about this?", and, "What if she

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changes her mind?", and, "What if...?"

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Having doctors, and Atlanta has some

great resources, and a lot of places

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do, but you brought up- the government's

really in everyone's business right now.

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I can say truthfully, and you can tell

which way I lean politically, but I went

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and marched at the Capitol in Atlanta.

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" Who are you, Mr.

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Congressman, Congresswoman, to tell

my child what's right?", and some

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laws were passed no matter how much

we tried to campaign and fight,

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and it's fighting the medicine, and

fighting what they need to be on.

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It's not your business.

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That is our job as a parent, and

I understand there's difficult

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situations, but I don't regret for a

moment helping to support that for my

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child who needs the medicine, and then

luckily by chance, Hannah turned 18,

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and then those laws aren't affecting,

but children that are young, were

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going to have a higher suicide rate.

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Kids that can't get the

treatment they need.

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Joshua: Yeah, and I have

to say a few things.

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First off, I've always said to my guests,

I have said to my listeners, and for

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anybody that's new, I'll say this again.

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Here at Speaking From The Heart,

I don't condone any sort of

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practice because here's the thing.

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We all come from different backgrounds

in our life, and why those sort of things

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happen for a reason, are destined or

designed to happen for that reason, and

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we work with what those circumstances

are, so there's no judgment from here.

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I don't have any leaning towards any

sort of particular side, because what

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I find to be really interesting about

just what you shared is that you are

290

: 00:16:44

in this fight, and I don't understand

why people have to fight for it

291

: 00:16:48

when we can all just be accepting.

292

: 00:16:50

Maybe I'm a hippie because of my

mom; maybe that's part of what it is.

293

: 00:16:54

She grew up in the 60s and 70s.

294

: 00:16:56

Peace, love, no war, that sort

of thing with Vietnam happening.

295

: 00:16:59

I don't know, but, I just think about the

fact that we can make this all accepting

296

: 00:17:05

for other people, and I find that just

from what you said with me, you are a

297

: 00:17:09

very accepting person, which don't worry,

I have a question about that, but before

298

: 00:17:13

I get to that, there's something that

stood out on your website that if there

299

: 00:17:18

wasn't enough happening, there's this.

300

: 00:17:21

You have a ex-husband who identifies as

being gay, so obviously you were married.

301

: 00:17:27

You had your daughter, and here we are,

we're talking about your ex-husband who

302

: 00:17:34

you find out he's gay, so why did that all

happen, because I guess now you've been

303

: 00:17:38

raising your daughter as a single parent,

so tell me a little bit about that.

304

: 00:17:43

Elaine: Yeah, and in fairness, so I

was married with my ex-husband for 22

305

: 00:17:47

years, and I have a stepdaughter too,

so I've had my stepdaughter in my life.

306

: 00:17:51

She's 24 now, so she's a fabulous mother,

and a great stepdad, but she's been

307

: 00:17:55

instrumental in my life as me being a mom,

so I have her, and then I had my daughter,

308

: 00:18:00

Hannah, and I have also a 17 year old

son, so, I personally think Hannah coming

309

: 00:18:06

out, and finding her authentic self,

gave my ex-husband almost the freedom

310

: 00:18:13

for him to be authentic with who he is.

311

: 00:18:16

He came out to me, so Hannah came

out in February, and July, my

312

: 00:18:22

ex-husband told me he cheated on

me, and of course I was like, "Okay.

313

: 00:18:25

We've been together.

314

: 00:18:26

I feel that we were happy;

really didn't see much conflict."

315

: 00:18:30

We worked, is the way I would

say it, just was my best friend.

316

: 00:18:33

He was the air that I breathed, and

when he said he cheated, but then

317

: 00:18:36

he said it was with a man, I was

like, "Are you fucking kidding me?",

318

: 00:18:40

like could not believe- I would have

thought it would have been a woman.

319

: 00:18:43

I just didn't quite understand, and

I really think seeing him evolve.

320

: 00:18:49

We tried to make it work, but then the

revelation that he cheated on me for

321

: 00:18:53

about 10 years with hundreds of people.

322

: 00:18:55

It was a choice that I made that my

kids and I, together, as the four of us

323

: 00:18:59

just said, "It's not the life we want.

324

: 00:19:02

He needs to find his own

path.", and we just weren't

325

: 00:19:04

destined to be together forever.

326

: 00:19:06

Hardest thing, I can say it now, and

we've been divorced now six, seven months.

327

: 00:19:10

I'm thrilled he found

who he's meant to be.

328

: 00:19:13

He lives with his boyfriend.

329

: 00:19:14

He's happy for being finally who

he was always meant to be, so

330

: 00:19:21

it is an interesting kind of the

way my world worked in some ways

331

: 00:19:27

Joshua: Yeah, and I often don't

have people on the show that said,

332

: 00:19:31

"Yeah, I'm very accepting of it."

333

: 00:19:32

Usually it's like, "Yeah, they

moved on, and I found myself and

334

: 00:19:35

that's what's really important.",

but you look back and go, "Yeah.

335

: 00:19:39

We had our time and we had our moment.

336

: 00:19:41

We had our kids, but yeah, I'm okay with

this being the way it is now, and he has

337

: 00:19:46

his own path, and I have my own path."

338

: 00:19:48

I think you're the most accepting

person that I've had on the show.

339

: 00:19:50

Elaine: I've had, and I have

great therapists, but I've also

340

: 00:19:53

learned I loved him for so long.

341

: 00:19:55

Why wouldn't I love him to be happy?

342

: 00:19:57

I think he did shitty things.

343

: 00:19:59

I find the betrayal still hard for me.

344

: 00:20:01

I'm not interested in dating yet, but

I look at it going, "You know what?

345

: 00:20:06

He has figured it out and that's great."

346

: 00:20:08

I wish he would have figured

it out before we got married.

347

: 00:20:10

I wish you would have figured it out even

10 years when he said he was cheating for

348

: 00:20:14

half of our marriage, but I look and go,

you know, I have these three amazing kids.

349

: 00:20:18

I would do it all over again, the

bone crushing pain, just to have them,

350

: 00:20:25

and so as he builds his happiness,

I realized I've never been happier.

351

: 00:20:31

I'm taking care of me.

352

: 00:20:32

I'm taking care of the kids.

353

: 00:20:34

I get to have a whole new, bright

future that will lead to wherever

354

: 00:20:38

it's meant to be, and I'm happy

with that, so I'm thrilled.

355

: 00:20:42

I'm thrilled he has found his path,

and now it's my turn to find mine.

356

: 00:20:46

Joshua: Okay, so we got to pause this

because there's a lot of different

357

: 00:20:50

things with this that you said throughout

this whole 21 minutes that we've been

358

: 00:20:54

talking, because I find that what you

said, I would be like, "Oh my gosh!

359

: 00:21:00

I have a husband that doesn't accept me.

360

: 00:21:03

I have a daughter and gone

through this process."

361

: 00:21:06

You have all these other

things happening in your life.

362

: 00:21:08

I would be a wreck.

363

: 00:21:10

What makes you feel like you

can just keep pushing forward?

364

: 00:21:13

I mean, there's got to be some sort

of inner strength that we're talking

365

: 00:21:16

about that you've gotten to this point.

366

: 00:21:18

I mean, what carries you forward,

because you seem like a very energetic

367

: 00:21:22

person, to me, and you're able to

carry that forward, so anybody else

368

: 00:21:26

that would have this happen to them?

369

: 00:21:27

I think they would feel a little defeated,

but it doesn't sound like you're defeated.

370

: 00:21:30

Why?

371

: 00:21:30

Elaine: Yeah, my friends

asked me all the time.

372

: 00:21:32

They're like, "You're the strongest

woman I know, and how do you do it?",

373

: 00:21:35

and I think you, in life, have a choice.

374

: 00:21:38

I can sit there, and I'm not

saying I didn't have days where

375

: 00:21:40

friends picked me up off the floor.

376

: 00:21:41

My sister picked me off the floor.

377

: 00:21:43

My kids had to pick me up off the floor,

but I remember my darkest moment was

378

: 00:21:48

when my ex-husband told me we weren't.

379

: 00:21:51

I didn't think we were ready to go

through the divorce stage, and he told

380

: 00:21:54

me he fell in love with this boyfriend.

381

: 00:21:55

Now, mind you, I didn't know he

knew him already a year, so there

382

: 00:21:58

was a lot of lies in between that.

383

: 00:22:00

He was dating him while we

were married, and whatnot.

384

: 00:22:03

However, I remember when he told

me the next day on January 3rd,

385

: 00:22:07

I couldn't get out of bed, and I

remember my 17 year old son saw me.

386

: 00:22:12

My two kids, brought me food and

whatnot, and I said, "I'm so sorry

387

: 00:22:15

you have to see me like that.",

and my youngest son said, "Mom.

388

: 00:22:19

You've never showed your vulnerable side.

389

: 00:22:21

The fact that there is something

that can take you down, it means

390

: 00:22:25

you're going to get right back

up.", and I remember looking.

391

: 00:22:27

He left the room, and I went and took a

shower and said, "No one will ever make

392

: 00:22:32

me feel this low point again in my life.

393

: 00:22:34

I'm in control of it.

394

: 00:22:36

I'm in control the way I feel.", and I

feel that, to me, is people have a choice.

395

: 00:22:41

You can be a martyr.

396

: 00:22:43

You can be Eeyore, but you know what?

397

: 00:22:45

Being happy and finding your own way,

everyone has the ability to do that,

398

: 00:22:49

and I'm not saying it's not hard.

399

: 00:22:51

My father was always happy.

400

: 00:22:52

My sister's always happy, but

it's a choice I make every day to

401

: 00:22:55

get up and be like, "I'm excited

for today.", and you nailed it.

402

: 00:22:58

I'm energetic.

403

: 00:22:59

I'm happy that- my kids laugh.

404

: 00:23:01

They're like, "Don't talk to

us right away in the morning."

405

: 00:23:03

I don't drink coffee.

406

: 00:23:04

This is me, always, so I feel like you

have to move; you have to move forward.

407

: 00:23:09

Could you imagine me and coffee?

408

: 00:23:11

I have friends that are like, "Don't let

her have any.", but it is, it's a choice.

409

: 00:23:16

Joshua: Yeah, don't worry.

410

: 00:23:16

I had a cup of coffee before we did this

episode, so thank goodness that I had

411

: 00:23:20

that, cause we would of never made it.

412

: 00:23:22

Elaine: But it is a choice.

413

: 00:23:23

I think in life that; life is so short.

414

: 00:23:26

I'm going to be 52.

415

: 00:23:27

How did that happen?

416

: 00:23:28

I still think I'm 30 something,

so I think it is a choice to-

417

: 00:23:32

Joshua: Twenty-two.

418

: 00:23:32

Elaine: Thank you.

419

: 00:23:33

Thank you for that.

420

: 00:23:34

Thank you, but it is, it's a choice.

421

: 00:23:36

Joshua: Yeah.

422

: 00:23:37

I think we all have choices

in life that we have to decide

423

: 00:23:40

whether we want to move forward.

424

: 00:23:42

We want to be stuck in where we are.

425

: 00:23:44

Hey, sometimes we go and walk

backwards, thinking that if we walk

426

: 00:23:48

backwards, we could find that path

to move forwards, and there's nothing

427

: 00:23:52

wrong with any of those choices.

428

: 00:23:53

However, each of those choices have their

own set of positives; mostly consequences.

429

: 00:24:00

Elaine: I agree with you, and

I think, "Did I think this

430

: 00:24:02

is where I'd be ending up?"

431

: 00:24:03

I thought I'd die with him.

432

: 00:24:04

My parents were married for 44

years before my dad passed away.

433

: 00:24:08

I thought he was my end all and you

have to go, "Is this a life I want?",

434

: 00:24:13

and that's where you have to make

that choice, and I loved him so much.

435

: 00:24:17

I could have tried to stay and I know a

lot of women and men try to make those

436

: 00:24:20

relationships work, but in the end.

437

: 00:24:23

It wasn't right for me.

438

: 00:24:25

Joshua: That brings up a very

interesting question I have.

439

: 00:24:28

You're 51, and you have been through

the gambit of all these different things

440

: 00:24:33

that have happened in your life, and I

think that some people probably would

441

: 00:24:37

have fallen down, some people might

have gotten back up, kept on going.

442

: 00:24:40

You have taken both worlds and you've

been able to keep pushing forward,

443

: 00:24:44

and you build this incredible platform

of the podcast, the videos, the

444

: 00:24:49

blogs, all these different types of

resources that are made available.

445

: 00:24:54

You said something about vulnerability.

446

: 00:24:56

Why be vulnerable then?

447

: 00:24:58

I mean, what do you have to gain from

that, because I think even if we wanted

448

: 00:25:03

to share that, and I've been even told

this myself with doing this show is that,

449

: 00:25:07

"Well, you're putting yourself out there.

450

: 00:25:09

That's going to be used against

you.", and I say, "You're wrong.

451

: 00:25:12

You're not thinking about this in the

way that it might be helping others."

452

: 00:25:16

You're doing this to be vulnerable because

you want to help others, or is there a

453

: 00:25:20

bigger motive that you're doing this for?

454

: 00:25:22

Elaine: I think if I can help one

person, two people, help children,

455

: 00:25:26

help parents of trans kids, help women

that have husbands that have come

456

: 00:25:30

out as gay, I feel I'm not ashamed.

457

: 00:25:34

I have friends are like, "I can't

believe you're so public.", and

458

: 00:25:36

I'm like, "but why wouldn't I be?"

459

: 00:25:38

It's who I am.

460

: 00:25:39

I'm not ashamed of.

461

: 00:25:40

This is where my life is led, and I have

a great example of I have an old coworker

462

: 00:25:46

who listen to my podcast with my daughter,

Hannah, talking about her coming out,

463

: 00:25:51

and my coworker, really good girlfriend

said, "I'm never heard a trans story from

464

: 00:25:57

a child's perspective.", and she goes,

"She changed my entire point of view."

465

: 00:26:02

She actually asked for permission,

sent Hannah a note and said,

466

: 00:26:05

"Hey, can I post it on Facebook?

467

: 00:26:07

I want people to hear,

there's nothing scary.

468

: 00:26:11

She's a normal child.

469

: 00:26:13

It's just her path.", and to have someone,

you know, I have another colleague

470

: 00:26:18

who has a child that with autism.

471

: 00:26:20

One of my episodes is about how Hannah's

also autistic, and on the spectrum.

472

: 00:26:25

Hearing those stories, and people

text me, and message me, and

473

: 00:26:28

email me, saying, "Thank you.

474

: 00:26:30

Thank you for being

bold enough to help me.

475

: 00:26:32

I didn't know my child was trans.

476

: 00:26:34

I'm now not afraid."

477

: 00:26:36

" I had no signs my ex husband

was gay; really didn't know."

478

: 00:26:39

If I can help someone, then I

feel it's helping everyone on

479

: 00:26:44

their path, so, I would say that.

480

: 00:26:48

Joshua: You're a very giving person

as a result of that, I have to say.

481

: 00:26:52

I mean, I really mean that.

482

: 00:26:53

I think there's a lot of things that we

can easily attribute to, :Oh, we want to

483

: 00:26:58

make money off of this.", or, "We want

to maybe help somebody and take them

484

: 00:27:02

underneath our wing.", and I'd be honest.

485

: 00:27:04

As a coach myself, I have given out

free services just because I want people

486

: 00:27:09

to really feel good about themselves.

487

: 00:27:10

It doesn't mean I do that for everybody,

but the circumstances sometimes dictate

488

: 00:27:14

the need to be able to do that, but one

of the things you said, and actually, I

489

: 00:27:18

don't know if you even knew this about me.

490

: 00:27:20

I found out late stage in my life that

I'm autistic too, so I struggled with

491

: 00:27:24

that for over 30 years trying to figure

out, why am I acting differently than

492

: 00:27:28

other people, and I never had the right

answers, let alone the right support, but

493

: 00:27:32

that's because the way times have changed.

494

: 00:27:36

As we close here, Elaine,

I'm really curious.

495

: 00:27:40

What would you say has been one

of the most rewarding things,

496

: 00:27:44

and I'm talking about everything

we've talked about so far.

497

: 00:27:47

What has been the most rewarding thing

to be able to do in your life, and why?

498

: 00:27:52

Elaine: I don't even know if it's to do.

499

: 00:27:54

By the time this comes out,

hopefully I'll be in full recovery.

500

: 00:27:57

I had a really bad accident walking

my dogs, nonetheless, and had

501

: 00:28:01

my ankle completely blown out,

reconstructive surgery, bed rest.

502

: 00:28:05

What I think makes me so

proud is I had three children.

503

: 00:28:09

My three kids rallied for 12 weeks

to help me, and it gave me time to

504

: 00:28:15

reflect going, "You know what I have?

505

: 00:28:17

I have a great community of people.

506

: 00:28:18

A great inner circle."

507

: 00:28:20

I've raised my kids so well that

three meals a day, all the laundry,

508

: 00:28:24

all the cooking, all the cleaning,

they helped do everything for me.

509

: 00:28:28

I couldn't be more proud, and the

friends that jumped in, and the meal

510

: 00:28:32

trains, and the flights of people coming.

511

: 00:28:34

I mean, when I mean I

couldn't do anything.

512

: 00:28:36

Luckily, I joke that, well, I could shower

and I could go to the bathroom by myself,

513

: 00:28:39

but everything else, I'm the most proud

that I have been honest, and I would say

514

: 00:28:45

I'm a good friend, and all of it came

back during my time of need, because the

515

: 00:28:50

minute it happened, I thought, "Oh my God.

516

: 00:28:51

I don't have Steve."

517

: 00:28:53

My first thought was I'm alone,

and you know what I realized?

518

: 00:28:56

God, I'm not alone, and that to me,

every day, I'm thankful for this

519

: 00:29:01

amazing- like I have thank you notes

to send; 50, 60, thank you notes to

520

: 00:29:05

people that jumped to rally for me.

521

: 00:29:07

That's what I'm the most proud of that

wherever it's led me, I have this great

522

: 00:29:12

community that, wherever my future

leads, they're all rally behind me.

523

: 00:29:17

Joshua: I think it's so important

to know who that circle is.

524

: 00:29:20

I've talked about it, and I've had a

friend even mentioned to me, it's about

525

: 00:29:23

the tribes that we have, and it is, and

I think that we oftentimes think that we

526

: 00:29:30

have the right people, but then we realize

that we have some of them holding us back,

527

: 00:29:34

and I understand that completely, because

I've had a lot of that purging happened

528

: 00:29:38

in my life, and do I have it perfect?

529

: 00:29:41

99.

530

: 00:29:42

9 percent of the time?

531

: 00:29:42

No, not even close.

532

: 00:29:45

Sometimes I'll be lucky if I get 50

percent on some days, but I think that

533

: 00:29:49

if we're able to just have that notion

in mind that we are staying consistent

534

: 00:29:54

of the people that help influence us and

make us better, that's what's key, and

535

: 00:29:59

that's why I love your story, because

what you're doing is not only writing

536

: 00:30:04

"herstory", but you're also writing it

for others to be able to do the same, so

537

: 00:30:09

in your own right, I'm waiting for you to

tell your story on your own podcast, which

538

: 00:30:14

perfect segue, we're at the end, Elaine.

539

: 00:30:16

I would love for you to spend the

last few minutes pitching your website

540

: 00:30:20

and your podcasts and everything that

has to go with it, and, if anybody's

541

: 00:30:24

interested, especially with some of the

subjects that you talked about today.

542

: 00:30:26

I'm sure they have more questions.

543

: 00:30:28

I'm wondering if you can give some

information about how they can

544

: 00:30:30

reach out to you, but I'm going

to give you the last few minutes.

545

: 00:30:32

Elaine: Wonderful.

546

: 00:30:33

Thank you so much, so as we

talked about, it's almost a year.

547

: 00:30:36

I bought the rights to herstories.com, and

I am trying to interview and have a weekly

548

: 00:30:42

podcast, with video too, that really,

when women inspire me or just inspiring

549

: 00:30:47

stories, I want to interview them.

550

: 00:30:49

I have a blog.

551

: 00:30:50

I am active on TikTok, and Instagram,

and just really trying to tell multiple

552

: 00:30:56

stories, and letting people have

their own voices, so definitely check

553

: 00:31:00

out, I joke, www.herstories.com, and

you can see different articles and

554

: 00:31:06

I joke, I'm just getting started.

555

: 00:31:08

It's not even a year old, and I'm

just, I've had this vision, 5, 6 years

556

: 00:31:11

ago, and I'm just happy to, to really

tell stories, and let people share

557

: 00:31:16

and really just create this community

of people that we're not alone, that

558

: 00:31:20

everyone's going through something.

559

: 00:31:22

Your friends come, your friends go, but

in the end, as we talked about having that

560

: 00:31:26

tribe, and letting people be honest with

who they are and who they're meant to be,

561

: 00:31:30

and I think that's where her story is.

562

: 00:31:32

I'm excited to see where it goes,

and I keep joking, my labor of love

563

: 00:31:36

around my real job, but this is

something I'm really passionate and

564

: 00:31:39

can't wait to see where it goes.

565

: 00:31:41

Joshua: I think that's what's important

is you're doing it out of passion, and

566

: 00:31:45

you're doing it out of the importance

of helping others, and I think just the

567

: 00:31:49

sense of you using the word vulnerability

today is a big deal in our culture,

568

: 00:31:54

because being vulnerable means that you're

weak, according to some people, which

569

: 00:31:59

I don't think is absolutely not true.

570

: 00:32:01

I think it's actually reframing

something that has been

571

: 00:32:04

misframed for hundreds of years.

572

: 00:32:07

I will go as far as saying that

because of the way that our culture

573

: 00:32:11

has been, let alone the ways in which

we interact with each other, and

574

: 00:32:15

I think it's time to revisit that

conversation, and you're doing that

575

: 00:32:19

through this project, and I encourage my

listeners to go check out the website.

576

: 00:32:23

I've been looking at it throughout

our interview today, and there's

577

: 00:32:27

a lot of different resources

available, and I encourage you

578

: 00:32:30

to check out, spend some time.

579

: 00:32:32

Yes, I really mean it.

580

: 00:32:33

Stop listening to Speaking From The Heart

and go watch some of her stories, but

581

: 00:32:38

Elaine, with all that said, you really

have enlightened me with not only your

582

: 00:32:43

viewpoints, but a matter of fact, the

things that you've been doing inspire me

583

: 00:32:48

to make me realize that I still have some

growth to do, on a personal level, when

584

: 00:32:52

it comes to these subject matters and

understanding those things, and I think

585

: 00:32:56

that's always what's important is not only

what everybody gets out of these sort of

586

: 00:33:00

stories or these things that we have going

on in our lives, but what are the lessons?

587

: 00:33:05

What are the opportunities that

we can gain from them, so with all

588

: 00:33:09

that said, thanks so much for being

on Speaking From The Heart today.

589

: 00:33:12

I really enjoyed our conversation and it's

been a privilege to have you on the show.

590

: 00:33:15

Elaine: Thank you so much.

591

: 00:33:16

It was a pleasure.

592

: 00:33:18

Joshua: I want to thank Elaine so

much for having this conversation,

593

: 00:33:21

but also at the same time being

able to share her unique story.

594

: 00:33:25

I love the fact that she has had such

a illustrious career, and she's been

595

: 00:33:30

able to do so many different types of

things, not only with her marketing

596

: 00:33:33

background, but to actually have a

great conversation about professional

597

: 00:33:39

networking, building relationships is

something that I believe is so needed,

598

: 00:33:45

especially in this world today, trying

to have such meaningful connections with

599

: 00:33:50

people, because if you really think about

it, the stories that we each have that

600

: 00:33:55

are instrumental to not only telling

what we are all about, but how we're

601

: 00:34:00

even recognized, how we stand out from

those things, is a lost and dying art.

602

: 00:34:07

It feels like every now and then, you

see a glimmer of hope with some people

603

: 00:34:11

really understanding that they need to

be unique, but at the same token, seeing

604

: 00:34:17

social media and other sort of platforms

take this sort of generic approach, and

605

: 00:34:23

then you have to fit yourself into that

approach so that you stand out, doesn't

606

: 00:34:28

necessarily mean that you really do.

607

: 00:34:32

That's why people, let alone even

companies, spend millions and millions

608

: 00:34:37

of dollars every year, upwards of even

billions if you have the budget; yes

609

: 00:34:42

that's right, with a capital B, to be

able to advertise yourself along with

610

: 00:34:47

your products and services, but the

way in which we consume our stories and

611

: 00:34:52

how we do it differently is really want

want to focus on here as we wrap up

612

: 00:34:57

today's episode, because let's face it.

613

: 00:35:00

The people that we have in our lives,

the people that we want to engage

614

: 00:35:04

in with our lives, mean that we have

to share our stories differently.

615

: 00:35:09

The medium that we try to share it

in is just as equally as important as

616

: 00:35:14

the way in which we tell that story.

617

: 00:35:16

Public speaking in itself, in which we

deliver, whether it's an informative,

618

: 00:35:20

persuasive, entertaining, humorous, or

whatever type of other speech you want

619

: 00:35:24

to give, is truly, utterly important,

but how you deliver yourself, especially

620

: 00:35:32

with the way that you are, whether you

are male, female, or non binary, no

621

: 00:35:39

matter which way you want to look at it,

being able to help yourself in creating

622

: 00:35:44

different spectrums of which you are not

only equal to everybody else, but yet

623

: 00:35:50

you also are different from everybody

else, is what makes us unique in itself.

624

: 00:35:58

This has to be the reason why we keep

moving forward, because the level of

625

: 00:36:03

involvement, especially with trying

to deliver that type of story, or even

626

: 00:36:07

trying to figure out what that kind of

relationship is, means that we have to

627

: 00:36:12

spend some time not only digging into the

material of what it is that you're trying

628

: 00:36:17

to convey, but it also means leaving

yourself a little bit open, and a little

629

: 00:36:22

bit vulnerable, to being able to tell

that, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

630

: 00:36:28

I think what makes Elaine's story,

and even her illustrious career, so

631

: 00:36:32

important is that she speaks with people.

632

: 00:36:35

She speaks with people with conviction

that she really wants to help build up

633

: 00:36:39

areas in their lives, whether it's their

businesses or themselves, that help

634

: 00:36:44

them to focus on what's truly important.

635

: 00:36:49

The most creative types of marketing,

whether it's some sort of luxury or

636

: 00:36:53

necessity, changes the dynamic of

what we normally think is what we

637

: 00:36:57

associate from traditional times what

is really important in buying a product

638

: 00:37:03

or service, and sure, you might be

thinking to yourself, "How is this

639

: 00:37:08

even related to my own personal life?"

640

: 00:37:11

but it is, when you really discover the

fact that it's really the ideas and those

641

: 00:37:16

are the sort of concepts that we focus

on when making a decision, whether we are

642

: 00:37:22

conscious about it or not, because we have

to work through those standards, and that

643

: 00:37:28

even applies to our relationships, which

is ironically enough, just even in our

644

: 00:37:32

previous episode, talked about the value

of having those relationship standards.

645

: 00:37:37

Being able to have happiness, being

able to create intimate moments

646

: 00:37:41

with other areas of our lives, even

if we have to look at them in a

647

: 00:37:46

professional context, but building

these areas of happiness means that

648

: 00:37:51

we also are faced with a choice.

649

: 00:37:54

Do we carry forward with what is needed

to create this opportunity for success,

650

: 00:37:58

or do we really want to be happy?

651

: 00:38:00

Do we really feel that we can be happy

with that choice that we've made, but I

652

: 00:38:06

think that the biggest focus of it all

is that we have to look at the people.

653

: 00:38:10

What is really helping us to

create that overall important

654

: 00:38:14

mark, not only in our lives, but

in other people's lives as well?

655

: 00:38:19

Ultimately, can we be vulnerable

and help others to create that

656

: 00:38:24

value, all in the same token?

657

: 00:38:28

Well, I'm a coach, and if I really think

about this, I think that my job is to

658

: 00:38:35

make sure that I keep myself vulnerable.

659

: 00:38:37

I keep myself fresh with the perspectives.

660

: 00:38:39

I keep myself, and my story, relevant

to those that are seeking what my value

661

: 00:38:44

is, because in essence, the value that

I am giving, I want to impart onto

662

: 00:38:50

other people, but it doesn't mean that

I force it onto other people, as I

663

: 00:38:56

have made quite clear in many of these

episodes since the very beginning.

664

: 00:39:02

I think that my focus of it, though,

isn't just about helping people tell that

665

: 00:39:06

story, no matter what kind of concept that

might be, but it's also understanding who

666

: 00:39:12

I'm trying to serve, because in the real

world, I really want to make sure that

667

: 00:39:18

they have the results that they want to

have; what they really desire the most.

668

: 00:39:23

Being able to tell those stories,

regardless of what your background is,

669

: 00:39:27

no matter what you're volunteering to

do to help out, means that you have to

670

: 00:39:32

be able to learn what you are becoming,

which Elaine shared quite a lot of

671

: 00:39:37

that backstory, even in today's show,

but we have to learn how to listen.

672

: 00:39:43

Active listening in itself is a skill

that we have to keep developing.

673

: 00:39:48

It even allows us to have that level of

involvement that we oftentimes forget that

674

: 00:39:54

we need to have in a conversation so that

we can speak, not only of our husbands

675

: 00:39:58

and wives, not only with our friends and

family, but also with the professionals,

676

: 00:40:05

the leaders, the lay workers, all the

people in between that help support from

677

: 00:40:11

an administrative standpoint; all the

people that actually carry out the work.

678

: 00:40:17

We have to learn how to build up those

areas from all angles if we really are

679

: 00:40:23

ultimately able to tell the story of

our personal, professional, business

680

: 00:40:29

related adventures, but the concept of

being happy, being able to feel like we

681

: 00:40:36

can have moments of enjoyment, mean that

we have to also realize that we have to

682

: 00:40:42

open ourselves up to the possibility of

having choice, and the freedom of making

683

: 00:40:47

such choice, especially when the stakes

are very high, especially if we want to

684

: 00:40:53

help a community of people feel like they

have the value to keep on moving forward.

685

: 00:41:01

I know that we often talk about on this

show the importance of not only having

686

: 00:41:06

that sort of dialogue, not only about

having those people committed to making

687

: 00:41:11

our lives successful, but it also means

that we have to give ourselves a little.

688

: 00:41:17

It means that we have to be able

to form relationships, confidence,

689

: 00:41:20

determination, oftentimes in a story

that has not been written yet, but we

690

: 00:41:26

have a choice as to whether we want to

move that needle forward, move progress

691

: 00:41:31

in the right direction, or move it

backwards, and I think sometimes to

692

: 00:41:36

take a step backward, sometimes people

think that that means that we have

693

: 00:41:40

to sacrifice something, that we have

to give up a little bit of ourselves,

694

: 00:41:44

but that's not really the truth.

695

: 00:41:47

The truth of the matter is, when

we have those types of stories that

696

: 00:41:51

have an awesome beginning, an awesome

middle, and an awesome end, it

697

: 00:41:56

doesn't necessarily mean that they are

really full of awesome opportunity.

698

: 00:42:02

I think the best written story is

sometimes dealing with the most difficult

699

: 00:42:06

of situations, how you're overcoming

them in the middle, but at the same time,

700

: 00:42:11

what the end result is, or the ending of

that story, that really matters the most.

701

: 00:42:18

Regardless of whether you are going

from a blue collar to white collar job,

702

: 00:42:23

or vice versa, or maybe even something

else is happening, maybe something

703

: 00:42:28

that's totally out of your control.

704

: 00:42:30

Maybe you are a whistleblower, pointing

out the wrongs of something that's

705

: 00:42:34

occurring and then being fired unjustly.

706

: 00:42:38

Maybe you have created a situation

where you maybe made some remarks

707

: 00:42:43

that you should have never made, but

you got fired, and now you're trying

708

: 00:42:47

to figure out what's the best path

to move forward, especially if I have

709

: 00:42:51

to learn how to be more respectful.

710

: 00:42:55

Isn't the purpose of the story,

especially with the morals that you're

711

: 00:42:58

supposed to learn from it, also mean

that you have the opportunity to also

712

: 00:43:03

have a purpose, along with the vision,

of what you could be in the future?

713

: 00:43:10

Maybe that future is not always bright,

but I have to say, from what we have

714

: 00:43:14

heard today, I think we have to relearn

the fact that areas of happiness mean

715

: 00:43:20

that not only do we need to be able to

respect each other, but we also have to

716

: 00:43:25

respect the fact that when we have the

ups and downs, we're also still building

717

: 00:43:30

on that awesome story that keeps on

moving forward, whether it's personal or

718

: 00:43:36

professional, so remember today, that it

isn't just about the ups and downs, the

719

: 00:43:42

highlights of your story, and maybe even

trying to always be consistently high on

720

: 00:43:48

the awesome things that are happening.

721

: 00:43:51

It's okay to fall back a little bit.

722

: 00:43:54

Take a respite, maybe be boring for that

matter, but it's about getting back into

723

: 00:44:01

the main part of the story, being active

in your life, and changing the status quo

724

: 00:44:07

that might be the status quo that you've

always lived in for such a long time.

725

: 00:44:14

Your story is so important, and whether

you think it is or not, know this.

726

: 00:44:22

There's somebody that's counting on you

to interact with them, so that they are

727

: 00:44:27

able to continue their story, but also

the people that are interacting with

728

: 00:44:32

you are going to help you generate the

story that you have yet to write, even

729

: 00:44:39

if you think that you're just a plain

Jane, or even somebody else for that

730

: 00:44:44

matter, that might be just written off

as just a subplot to the overall story.

731

: 00:44:52

Don't let them hold you back, because hey,

who's the main character of your story?

732

: 00:44:58

Isn't it you?

733

: 00:44:59

Well, I think it is, and I think

that's why you should give yourself

734

: 00:45:03

a little bit more credit than just

writing yourself off as if you never

735

: 00:45:08

existed, because you're not just a

plant, or just a piece of shrubbery,

736

: 00:45:13

or just a prop in that overall story.

737

: 00:45:16

You matter.

738

: 00:45:18

No matter what role that you play.

739

: 00:45:21

Thanks for listening to episode

number 125 of Speaking from the

740

: 00:45:25

Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart very soon.

741

: 00:45:31

Outro: Thanks for listening.

742

: 00:45:32

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

743

: 00:45:36

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

744

: 00:45:41

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

745

: 00:45:47

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

746

: 00:45:52

See you next time.