Episode 130

Episode #125 - Connecting Your Story Into The Broader Purpose of Our Lives: An Interview With Elaine Benfield

The importance of how we connect our stories is ever-changing, especially with the way our lives, both personally and professionally, can interact with such changes. How we respond to what life throws at us in order to maintain our momentum in creating such stories means that we may need to respond to tough times with positive energy, the willingness to be an example to others, and even be a "strong rock" for others when they are unable to do the same. Today's guest, the founder of herstories.com, Elaine Benfield, shares her career path leading from marketing and other areas into what she does to captures the stories of transformational women, but how her own transformation could have easily changed the trajectory of her overall life situation. Her ability to be able to create meaningful conversations and dialogue have even come close to home, which she shares in this episode. The power of our stories can not only lead to meaningful morals, but also create an abundance of energy that will help us become the best versions of ourselves, no matter what gender you are, in more ways than one.

Guest Bio

Elaine Benfield is an experienced software leader with over 20 years of expertise in marketing. Following significant life changes during her 50th year, Elaine embarked on a mission to share inspiring stories of remarkable women, crafting narratives that empower and motivate. Based in Atlanta, Georgia, USA, she actively participates in Pride & Human Rights Campaign initiatives and dedicates her time to volunteering with dog charities. Outside of her professional pursuits, Elaine cherishes moments of travel alongside her family and friends.

@inspiringherstories on Instagram

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdd5hmVcmPlCBtS-FLslMvQ

Website: https://www.herstories.com/

Visit Our Website: https://speaking-from-the-heart.captivate.fm/

Visit Our Business Website: https://www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

Support The Mission Of The Business! Donate Here: https://speaking-from-the-heart.captivate.fm/support

Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Transcript
Intro:

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 125 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Today we will have Elaine Benfield

join us, and Elaine is an experienced

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software leader with over 20

years of expertise in marketing.

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Following significant life changes

during her 50th year, Elaine embarked

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on a mission to share inspiring

stories of remarkable women, crafting

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narratives that empower and motivate.

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Based in Atlanta, Georgia, she actively

participates in pride and human rights

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campaign initiatives, and dedicates her

time to volunteering with dog charities.

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Outside of her professional pursuits,

Elaine cherishes moments of travel

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alongside her family and friends,

and I have to say, this woman focused

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episode really digs into the core of

why it's so important not only to have

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a marketing background to be able to

sell yourself, but yet, at the same

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time, why stories matter I think we

volunteer in a variety of different

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ways, not only in the nonprofits that

we engage with, but in the ways in

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which we're willing to help others.

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Being able to build a professional

career also means that not only do

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you have to worry about relationships,

but you have to find standards in

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which you can find your happiness in,

but the biggest key, which we'll talk

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about even later on, is that it's the

vulnerability to help others, to help

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them see what their value is all about.

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But with that, let's go to the episode.

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Alright, we're here with Elaine Benfield.

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Elaine!

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Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

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Elaine: Thank you.

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Thanks so much for having me.

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Joshua: Absolutely.

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I really have been excited to do this

interview, because you got a lot going

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on in your life and a lot of different

things, so I already let the audience know

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a little bit about you and I would just

want to jump right into it, because one

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of the first things that stood out to me,

and this is because I have done a full

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time job, and I still do a full time job,

with IT procurement, and I noticed that

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you are experienced software leader, and

you've done a lot of years with software,

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so I'm curious what got you into that, and

what also jumped you into the marketing

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field, because those are some unique

dynamics, and I just want our audience to

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know a little bit, and I'm curious myself.

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Elaine: Yeah, it's interesting.

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I ended up going to University

of Delaware, and have a

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consumer economics background.

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I thought I'd be the next Ralph Nader.

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I lived in DC, working for a lobbying

firm, NFIB small business lobbying

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firm, for a couple of years, and

then just made that choice of, "Oh,

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I don't really want to be a lawyer.

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What do I want to do next?"

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I ended up living in Europe, and then went

to Boston to get my MBA, and a professor

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in class said, "Hey, you really should

look at high tech.", and I was like,

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"I have no idea what that means.", and

so I ended up getting an internship.

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Ended up getting into kind of the field

of public relations, but really liked

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it from the technology side, and so I

started my career with really trying to

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tell the story for technology vendors,

but a simplistic marketing view.

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I look at it as I'm dangerous enough

from a technology standpoint, but I want

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to use real world words to help narrate

what a company is doing and can make

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businesses better, so I kind of fell into

that and I've been doing it; I'm going

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to age myself, over 25 years; been in

small companies, large companies, been

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all across the Boston area, Atlanta,

and just love it; love high tech.

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With AI, I'm sure everyone's

really understanding technology

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can really advance our world.

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Joshua: Don't worry, you don't

look a day over 20, so don't think.

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Yeah, I knew it.

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I knew you would, but what led you into

sharing stories that help empower women?

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I'm kind of curious where the

connection is with that, because my

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listeners are probably like, "Wait.

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Software, and then empowering women?,

I mean, yeah, there's some indirect

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correlations, but what led you into that?

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Elaine: So, it's interesting.

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Over the years, I really just have this

great opportunity to work with men and

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women, but what was always interesting

is women, it's few and far between.

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I really struggled finding the women

that inspired me, and then I started

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having these great relationships

with women in tech, that somehow,

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their stories are never told.

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No offense, but women tend to, in my

experience is women in technology are a

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little bit more in the background, and so

for me, I always wanted to find a voice

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for these women, and I always say that

history is always an interesting path,

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but I want to talk about "herstory".

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Why is a woman successful in tech?

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How did they get there, and

how are they breaking barriers?

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I now have colleagues I work with 15

years ago that are now CEOs, and what

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I've seen is the market is shifting

a little, and that's why I just, you

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know, because I have this network of

amazing women in technology, I just

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have a great network of, and community

of women, but tech, to me is, I

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want to tell these women's stories.

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Joshua: Did you just say "herstories"?

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Elaine: It's "herstories."

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I bought the right.

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Joshua: That's an interesting-

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Elaine: Yeah, so you always hear her

story, but I want to tell more than one,

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so I own the rights to herstories.com,

and to me, it's the multiple stories,

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and I joke with you before that I

don't discredit men; love men, and

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I want to hear men's perspective

for women's stories, or what do they

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think of- my 17 year old son loves

talking about how he sees women being

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reflected in his generation, but to

me, I really want to focus on women

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that won't tell their story, and every

time I tell a woman I say, "You're

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inspiring.", they're like, "Am I?

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Why?", and they're always surprised.

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They don't see themselves as inspiring.

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Joshua: I find that really fascinating,

because, I know there's been a

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generation of men and women that have

had issues with being able to feel

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like they are valued or recognized.

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I know for me, being a millennial,

sometimes I have that issue of feeling

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like I'm recognized, and I have to kind

of stand out, and I think that's where

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we got that concept of participation

trophies growing up, but I think we

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overdid it a little bit too, because

we need to learn the hard facts of

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life, but you are saying something

interesting about women in particular,

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because with your website, which I have

up and I'm looking at it, and for my

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listeners, I'll have it in the episode

notes to that you could go check out.

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You have a podcast.

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You have videos.

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You have blogs.

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Are you trying to not just tell the story

in a variety of different ways to help get

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that story out, or is there a different

cause, or different reason, for getting

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the women's stories out, because I think

it's one thing to be able to say, "Yeah.

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We need to break that glass ceiling.",

which I've always heard, and women have

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definitely been doing that over the

last 20 years, I think, in my view,

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but has there been more of a motivation

to get those stories out there?

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Elaine: Yeah.

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I think people are consuming

content differently.

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It's funny because people stop me

and they're like, "Wait a second.

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Are you doing herstories?",

and they're like, "Oh.

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I listened to you on Apple.",

and then some people are like,

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"Oh, I love you on YouTube."

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I'm trying to have whatever medium

someone wants to listen to women's

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stories, they can, whether it be me

writing from personal experience, and

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just really any way you want to listen

to women or, honestly, stories, I want

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to provide it, and I get people that

really like kind of all combinations.

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I'm always surprised that it's like, "Oh.

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You listen on Spotify.

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You listen...."; just

whatever way you want to.

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Joshua: I have to do an informal

market survey at this point, so

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which medium, Elaine, works the

best that you hear a lot about?

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Is it audio?

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Is it video?

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Elaine: My impression is most of

my friends, I say this honestly,

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are like, "Oh, we missed you.

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I'll see you on YouTube.", because I live

here, and a lot of my friends are global,

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so they're like, "Oh, I liked seeing you

today on Instagram.", cause they get to

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see me more live, but, I would say 90

percent are listening to me on a podcast,

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whether it's Spotify, Apple Podcasts.

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People are walking, running.

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I get texts from family, friends saying,

"Hey, I just listened to this episode.

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I was working out at the gym.", so

it's that to me, I think, honestly, is

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probably the most popular, but I do get

the interest with YouTube that people are

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like, "Oh, I want to see your face again,

because I'm not around all the time.

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Joshua: You heard it here, folks.

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It's the audio way to go, not exactly

video, which is why I'm just audio

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right now, with aspirations to

maybe do video one time, but yeah.

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You proved my point, so thank you.

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I'm glad that I did this survey with you,

so, Elaine, there was something else that

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really stood out to me about your bio,

and it's that you participate in pride and

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human rights campaigns initiatives, so,

I'm scratching my head, again, thinking,

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"Okay, so we got the women, and you've

been in software, you've done marketing.

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"How does this sort of facet of your

life fit into the bigger puzzle pieces?

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Elaine: Yeah.

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I always volunteered

with different causes.

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I always wanted to.

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Just my whole life, my father

was a big activist growing up

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in Allentown, Pennsylvania, and

I really want to help everyone.

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Everyone has a voice, and so I started

volunteering in local community.

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There's a wonderful store, Lost and

Found, here in Atlanta, that helps

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LBGTQ plus kids that are homeless, and

so I really started getting involved

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in that, maybe 15, 20 years ago, and

then my company said, "Hey, we want

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to start an Atlanta chapter for pride.

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Are you interested in being one of

the co-chairs?", and so it kind of

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evolved from that, that I just am

really passionate about- you know,

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there should be no discrimination.

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Everyone should be equal across any

race, who you love, and it just kind

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of took off from that, just being

who I am as a fundamental belief.

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Joshua: Is there a personal reason as

to why, though, because I've always

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found that there's a motivation

inside of us that drives us to make

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this happen in our lives; this cause.

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For example, one of the biggest things

that I've been wanting to help people

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out with is to to help empower them,

so I've worked with a domestic violence

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shelter for a number of years called

the Shalom House, here in Harrisburg,

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Pennsylvania, that does that sort of

work, and I always enjoyed their work.

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I took a step away because of the

business and other shifting things,

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but for you, is there a reason

why you do this work personally?

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Elaine: I almost think it's foreshadowing,

because I had that in my DNA, helping,

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and then it led into my child, at

the time was 17, and ended up coming

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out as a trans girl, trans woman,

and so to me, that correlation of I'm

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that open, that within five days of

my child discovering that light bulb

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moment going, "I feel like I'm in the

wrong body.", there was no question.

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My daughter knew that I would

accept it, love it, embrace it.

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Obviously take a pause to go,

"Let's make sure, going through

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psychiatrists and doctors, and make

sure this is the right path.", but

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there was no lack of love or support.

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I struggled with pronouns at first,

but because I was so open and they

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saw me, I marched in pride parades.

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What I say is I really believe,

and the kids knew that, so I think

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that that kind of led into really

foreshadowing that they are allowed to

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be who they're meant to be, because of

my acceptance, and the volunteering.

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Joshua: Well, I think I might've

just fallen into why that reason

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is, and that's really interesting.

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I have friends that have had transgender

kids that they were raising, and I've had

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clients that I've worked with that have

wrestled with this sort of subject matter,

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too, and I'm kind of curious of your

thoughts, because you're a parent of one.

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What does it mean to you when

your child opens up about that.

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Was that a scary moment?

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Was it something like, "Oh, I'm

not really prepared for it?"

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I think there's some listeners that have a

misconception or maybe a misunderstanding,

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perhaps, of how to best navigate through

these sort of situations, and I'm

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wondering if you have any advice for them,

especially if they have this conversation.

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Elaine: Well, we talked about

a little bit briefly offline.

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The biggest fear I had when I started

volunteering is, homeless, LBGT kids,

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once they come out to their parents,

the suicide rates are astronomical,

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and there wasn't a doubt in my mind,

I'm not going to deny, I was shocked.

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There were no signs that my child

didn't feel that they were in the

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right body, but my first question,

when my daughter said, "Hey, I

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have a friend that's just came out.

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She's a trans woman.", and then I looked

over, and I'll never forget driving in the

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car, and said, "Do you feel you're in the

wrong body?", and my daughter instantly

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said, "Yes.", and you look and go, no

matter what, and so many of my friends

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and therapists have said, "How'd you

know to ask that?", and it was instinct.

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I can't explain it.

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I just knew, and to me,

my child's my child.

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You can throw any name you want.

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I look at my baby who I birthed.

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That is my child.

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I don't care what you call my child,

but seeing her become who she's meant

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to be, she is happier every day.

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I think she says it, she was

suicidal, which we didn't know.

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If I would have done things differently

and not been so accepting, we would

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have a different conversation right now.

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Listen to your child.

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They're not trying to do this, and I

know there's always the cases; there's

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some children that want attention.

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That is not the case with the majority.

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Kids are struggling.

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They should be accepted, and I

think parents just have to find

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that path of, "It's your child."

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I know for me, it was black and white.

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It was like, "This is my child.

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I don't care."

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I just want to make sure I

navigate it to make the transition

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the easiest as possible.

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Joshua: Well, building off of that, how

do you make that transition as easy as

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possible, because I think sometimes our

society doesn't make it easy to have

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that sort of roadmap, and I hate to

say it, but I think even our government

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sometimes makes it very difficult for

some people to feel like they're accepted

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in society, so I'm kind of curious,

what are some things that you have done

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to make that transition a lot easier,

especially for- is it your daughter?

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I just want to be respectful.

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It is your daughter?

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Okay.

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Great.

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Hi, Hannah, if you're listening.

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Elaine: She will, she will.

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She's happy I'm writing the word,

really, and then she's also being

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more active vocally as well.

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I looked at it as I'm a planner, so when

Hannah first came out to me, I was like,

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"I'm so supportive.", and she almost tried

to threaten me, which she'll agree with.

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She said, "I turned 18 in November,

so if you don't support me, I'm going

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to do this without you anyway.", and I

kept saying, "I'm going to support you,

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but, let's go see your pediatrician.

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Let's go see a therapist.

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Let's go see a specialist.", and so,

pretty much from mid-February to May, we

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saw all these doctors for me to be okay

with HRT, hormone replacement therapy,

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and I just knew speaking with the doctors

made me at ease, so any parent there's

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a child, make sure you do your due

diligence to speak with professionals.

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I'm not an expert on this, but I

knew this is what my child wanted.

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I had thousands of questions.

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I had a notebook with all these, " What

about this?", and, "What if she

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changes her mind?", and, "What if...?"

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Having doctors, and Atlanta has some

great resources, and a lot of places

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do, but you brought up- the government's

really in everyone's business right now.

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I can say truthfully, and you can tell

which way I lean politically, but I went

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and marched at the Capitol in Atlanta.

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" Who are you, Mr.

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Congressman, Congresswoman, to tell

my child what's right?", and some

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laws were passed no matter how much

we tried to campaign and fight,

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and it's fighting the medicine, and

fighting what they need to be on.

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It's not your business.

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That is our job as a parent, and

I understand there's difficult

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situations, but I don't regret for a

moment helping to support that for my

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child who needs the medicine, and then

luckily by chance, Hannah turned 18,

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and then those laws aren't affecting,

but children that are young, were

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going to have a higher suicide rate.

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Kids that can't get the

treatment they need.

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Joshua: Yeah, and I have

to say a few things.

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First off, I've always said to my guests,

I have said to my listeners, and for

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anybody that's new, I'll say this again.

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Here at Speaking From The Heart,

I don't condone any sort of

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practice because here's the thing.

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We all come from different backgrounds

in our life, and why those sort of things

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happen for a reason, are destined or

designed to happen for that reason, and

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we work with what those circumstances

are, so there's no judgment from here.

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I don't have any leaning towards any

sort of particular side, because what

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I find to be really interesting about

just what you shared is that you are

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in this fight, and I don't understand

why people have to fight for it

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when we can all just be accepting.

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Maybe I'm a hippie because of my

mom; maybe that's part of what it is.

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She grew up in the 60s and 70s.

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Peace, love, no war, that sort

of thing with Vietnam happening.

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I don't know, but, I just think about the

fact that we can make this all accepting

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for other people, and I find that just

from what you said with me, you are a

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very accepting person, which don't worry,

I have a question about that, but before

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I get to that, there's something that

stood out on your website that if there

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wasn't enough happening, there's this.

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You have a ex-husband who identifies as

being gay, so obviously you were married.

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You had your daughter, and here we are,

we're talking about your ex-husband who

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you find out he's gay, so why did that all

happen, because I guess now you've been

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raising your daughter as a single parent,

so tell me a little bit about that.

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Elaine: Yeah, and in fairness, so I

was married with my ex-husband for 22

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years, and I have a stepdaughter too,

so I've had my stepdaughter in my life.

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She's 24 now, so she's a fabulous mother,

and a great stepdad, but she's been

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instrumental in my life as me being a mom,

so I have her, and then I had my daughter,

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Hannah, and I have also a 17 year old

son, so, I personally think Hannah coming

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out, and finding her authentic self,

gave my ex-husband almost the freedom

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for him to be authentic with who he is.

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He came out to me, so Hannah came

out in February, and July, my

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ex-husband told me he cheated on

me, and of course I was like, "Okay.

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We've been together.

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I feel that we were happy;

really didn't see much conflict."

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We worked, is the way I would

say it, just was my best friend.

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He was the air that I breathed, and

when he said he cheated, but then

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he said it was with a man, I was

like, "Are you fucking kidding me?",

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like could not believe- I would have

thought it would have been a woman.

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I just didn't quite understand, and

I really think seeing him evolve.

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We tried to make it work, but then the

revelation that he cheated on me for

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about 10 years with hundreds of people.

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It was a choice that I made that my

kids and I, together, as the four of us

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just said, "It's not the life we want.

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He needs to find his own

path.", and we just weren't

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destined to be together forever.

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Hardest thing, I can say it now, and

we've been divorced now six, seven months.

327

:

I'm thrilled he found

who he's meant to be.

328

:

He lives with his boyfriend.

329

:

He's happy for being finally who

he was always meant to be, so

330

:

it is an interesting kind of the

way my world worked in some ways

331

:

Joshua: Yeah, and I often don't

have people on the show that said,

332

:

"Yeah, I'm very accepting of it."

333

:

Usually it's like, "Yeah, they

moved on, and I found myself and

334

:

that's what's really important.",

but you look back and go, "Yeah.

335

:

We had our time and we had our moment.

336

:

We had our kids, but yeah, I'm okay with

this being the way it is now, and he has

337

:

his own path, and I have my own path."

338

:

I think you're the most accepting

person that I've had on the show.

339

:

Elaine: I've had, and I have

great therapists, but I've also

340

:

learned I loved him for so long.

341

:

Why wouldn't I love him to be happy?

342

:

I think he did shitty things.

343

:

I find the betrayal still hard for me.

344

:

I'm not interested in dating yet, but

I look at it going, "You know what?

345

:

He has figured it out and that's great."

346

:

I wish he would have figured

it out before we got married.

347

:

I wish you would have figured it out even

10 years when he said he was cheating for

348

:

half of our marriage, but I look and go,

you know, I have these three amazing kids.

349

:

I would do it all over again, the

bone crushing pain, just to have them,

350

:

and so as he builds his happiness,

I realized I've never been happier.

351

:

I'm taking care of me.

352

:

I'm taking care of the kids.

353

:

I get to have a whole new, bright

future that will lead to wherever

354

:

it's meant to be, and I'm happy

with that, so I'm thrilled.

355

:

I'm thrilled he has found his path,

and now it's my turn to find mine.

356

:

Joshua: Okay, so we got to pause this

because there's a lot of different

357

:

things with this that you said throughout

this whole 21 minutes that we've been

358

:

talking, because I find that what you

said, I would be like, "Oh my gosh!

359

:

I have a husband that doesn't accept me.

360

:

I have a daughter and gone

through this process."

361

:

You have all these other

things happening in your life.

362

:

I would be a wreck.

363

:

What makes you feel like you

can just keep pushing forward?

364

:

I mean, there's got to be some sort

of inner strength that we're talking

365

:

about that you've gotten to this point.

366

:

I mean, what carries you forward,

because you seem like a very energetic

367

:

person, to me, and you're able to

carry that forward, so anybody else

368

:

that would have this happen to them?

369

:

I think they would feel a little defeated,

but it doesn't sound like you're defeated.

370

:

Why?

371

:

Elaine: Yeah, my friends

asked me all the time.

372

:

They're like, "You're the strongest

woman I know, and how do you do it?",

373

:

and I think you, in life, have a choice.

374

:

I can sit there, and I'm not

saying I didn't have days where

375

:

friends picked me up off the floor.

376

:

My sister picked me off the floor.

377

:

My kids had to pick me up off the floor,

but I remember my darkest moment was

378

:

when my ex-husband told me we weren't.

379

:

I didn't think we were ready to go

through the divorce stage, and he told

380

:

me he fell in love with this boyfriend.

381

:

Now, mind you, I didn't know he

knew him already a year, so there

382

:

was a lot of lies in between that.

383

:

He was dating him while we

were married, and whatnot.

384

:

However, I remember when he told

me the next day on January 3rd,

385

:

I couldn't get out of bed, and I

remember my 17 year old son saw me.

386

:

My two kids, brought me food and

whatnot, and I said, "I'm so sorry

387

:

you have to see me like that.",

and my youngest son said, "Mom.

388

:

You've never showed your vulnerable side.

389

:

The fact that there is something

that can take you down, it means

390

:

you're going to get right back

up.", and I remember looking.

391

:

He left the room, and I went and took a

shower and said, "No one will ever make

392

:

me feel this low point again in my life.

393

:

I'm in control of it.

394

:

I'm in control the way I feel.", and I

feel that, to me, is people have a choice.

395

:

You can be a martyr.

396

:

You can be Eeyore, but you know what?

397

:

Being happy and finding your own way,

everyone has the ability to do that,

398

:

and I'm not saying it's not hard.

399

:

My father was always happy.

400

:

My sister's always happy, but

it's a choice I make every day to

401

:

get up and be like, "I'm excited

for today.", and you nailed it.

402

:

I'm energetic.

403

:

I'm happy that- my kids laugh.

404

:

They're like, "Don't talk to

us right away in the morning."

405

:

I don't drink coffee.

406

:

This is me, always, so I feel like you

have to move; you have to move forward.

407

:

Could you imagine me and coffee?

408

:

I have friends that are like, "Don't let

her have any.", but it is, it's a choice.

409

:

Joshua: Yeah, don't worry.

410

:

I had a cup of coffee before we did this

episode, so thank goodness that I had

411

:

that, cause we would of never made it.

412

:

Elaine: But it is a choice.

413

:

I think in life that; life is so short.

414

:

I'm going to be 52.

415

:

How did that happen?

416

:

I still think I'm 30 something,

so I think it is a choice to-

417

:

Joshua: Twenty-two.

418

:

Elaine: Thank you.

419

:

Thank you for that.

420

:

Thank you, but it is, it's a choice.

421

:

Joshua: Yeah.

422

:

I think we all have choices

in life that we have to decide

423

:

whether we want to move forward.

424

:

We want to be stuck in where we are.

425

:

Hey, sometimes we go and walk

backwards, thinking that if we walk

426

:

backwards, we could find that path

to move forwards, and there's nothing

427

:

wrong with any of those choices.

428

:

However, each of those choices have their

own set of positives; mostly consequences.

429

:

Elaine: I agree with you, and

I think, "Did I think this

430

:

is where I'd be ending up?"

431

:

I thought I'd die with him.

432

:

My parents were married for 44

years before my dad passed away.

433

:

I thought he was my end all and you

have to go, "Is this a life I want?",

434

:

and that's where you have to make

that choice, and I loved him so much.

435

:

I could have tried to stay and I know a

lot of women and men try to make those

436

:

relationships work, but in the end.

437

:

It wasn't right for me.

438

:

Joshua: That brings up a very

interesting question I have.

439

:

You're 51, and you have been through

the gambit of all these different things

440

:

that have happened in your life, and I

think that some people probably would

441

:

have fallen down, some people might

have gotten back up, kept on going.

442

:

You have taken both worlds and you've

been able to keep pushing forward,

443

:

and you build this incredible platform

of the podcast, the videos, the

444

:

blogs, all these different types of

resources that are made available.

445

:

You said something about vulnerability.

446

:

Why be vulnerable then?

447

:

I mean, what do you have to gain from

that, because I think even if we wanted

448

:

to share that, and I've been even told

this myself with doing this show is that,

449

:

"Well, you're putting yourself out there.

450

:

That's going to be used against

you.", and I say, "You're wrong.

451

:

You're not thinking about this in the

way that it might be helping others."

452

:

You're doing this to be vulnerable because

you want to help others, or is there a

453

:

bigger motive that you're doing this for?

454

:

Elaine: I think if I can help one

person, two people, help children,

455

:

help parents of trans kids, help women

that have husbands that have come

456

:

out as gay, I feel I'm not ashamed.

457

:

I have friends are like, "I can't

believe you're so public.", and

458

:

I'm like, "but why wouldn't I be?"

459

:

It's who I am.

460

:

I'm not ashamed of.

461

:

This is where my life is led, and I have

a great example of I have an old coworker

462

:

who listen to my podcast with my daughter,

Hannah, talking about her coming out,

463

:

and my coworker, really good girlfriend

said, "I'm never heard a trans story from

464

:

a child's perspective.", and she goes,

"She changed my entire point of view."

465

:

She actually asked for permission,

sent Hannah a note and said,

466

:

"Hey, can I post it on Facebook?

467

:

I want people to hear,

there's nothing scary.

468

:

She's a normal child.

469

:

It's just her path.", and to have someone,

you know, I have another colleague

470

:

who has a child that with autism.

471

:

One of my episodes is about how Hannah's

also autistic, and on the spectrum.

472

:

Hearing those stories, and people

text me, and message me, and

473

:

email me, saying, "Thank you.

474

:

Thank you for being

bold enough to help me.

475

:

I didn't know my child was trans.

476

:

I'm now not afraid."

477

:

" I had no signs my ex husband

was gay; really didn't know."

478

:

If I can help someone, then I

feel it's helping everyone on

479

:

their path, so, I would say that.

480

:

Joshua: You're a very giving person

as a result of that, I have to say.

481

:

I mean, I really mean that.

482

:

I think there's a lot of things that we

can easily attribute to, :Oh, we want to

483

:

make money off of this.", or, "We want

to maybe help somebody and take them

484

:

underneath our wing.", and I'd be honest.

485

:

As a coach myself, I have given out

free services just because I want people

486

:

to really feel good about themselves.

487

:

It doesn't mean I do that for everybody,

but the circumstances sometimes dictate

488

:

the need to be able to do that, but one

of the things you said, and actually, I

489

:

don't know if you even knew this about me.

490

:

I found out late stage in my life that

I'm autistic too, so I struggled with

491

:

that for over 30 years trying to figure

out, why am I acting differently than

492

:

other people, and I never had the right

answers, let alone the right support, but

493

:

that's because the way times have changed.

494

:

As we close here, Elaine,

I'm really curious.

495

:

What would you say has been one

of the most rewarding things,

496

:

and I'm talking about everything

we've talked about so far.

497

:

What has been the most rewarding thing

to be able to do in your life, and why?

498

:

Elaine: I don't even know if it's to do.

499

:

By the time this comes out,

hopefully I'll be in full recovery.

500

:

I had a really bad accident walking

my dogs, nonetheless, and had

501

:

my ankle completely blown out,

reconstructive surgery, bed rest.

502

:

What I think makes me so

proud is I had three children.

503

:

My three kids rallied for 12 weeks

to help me, and it gave me time to

504

:

reflect going, "You know what I have?

505

:

I have a great community of people.

506

:

A great inner circle."

507

:

I've raised my kids so well that

three meals a day, all the laundry,

508

:

all the cooking, all the cleaning,

they helped do everything for me.

509

:

I couldn't be more proud, and the

friends that jumped in, and the meal

510

:

trains, and the flights of people coming.

511

:

I mean, when I mean I

couldn't do anything.

512

:

Luckily, I joke that, well, I could shower

and I could go to the bathroom by myself,

513

:

but everything else, I'm the most proud

that I have been honest, and I would say

514

:

I'm a good friend, and all of it came

back during my time of need, because the

515

:

minute it happened, I thought, "Oh my God.

516

:

I don't have Steve."

517

:

My first thought was I'm alone,

and you know what I realized?

518

:

God, I'm not alone, and that to me,

every day, I'm thankful for this

519

:

amazing- like I have thank you notes

to send; 50, 60, thank you notes to

520

:

people that jumped to rally for me.

521

:

That's what I'm the most proud of that

wherever it's led me, I have this great

522

:

community that, wherever my future

leads, they're all rally behind me.

523

:

Joshua: I think it's so important

to know who that circle is.

524

:

I've talked about it, and I've had a

friend even mentioned to me, it's about

525

:

the tribes that we have, and it is, and

I think that we oftentimes think that we

526

:

have the right people, but then we realize

that we have some of them holding us back,

527

:

and I understand that completely, because

I've had a lot of that purging happened

528

:

in my life, and do I have it perfect?

529

:

99.

530

:

9 percent of the time?

531

:

No, not even close.

532

:

Sometimes I'll be lucky if I get 50

percent on some days, but I think that

533

:

if we're able to just have that notion

in mind that we are staying consistent

534

:

of the people that help influence us and

make us better, that's what's key, and

535

:

that's why I love your story, because

what you're doing is not only writing

536

:

"herstory", but you're also writing it

for others to be able to do the same, so

537

:

in your own right, I'm waiting for you to

tell your story on your own podcast, which

538

:

perfect segue, we're at the end, Elaine.

539

:

I would love for you to spend the

last few minutes pitching your website

540

:

and your podcasts and everything that

has to go with it, and, if anybody's

541

:

interested, especially with some of the

subjects that you talked about today.

542

:

I'm sure they have more questions.

543

:

I'm wondering if you can give some

information about how they can

544

:

reach out to you, but I'm going

to give you the last few minutes.

545

:

Elaine: Wonderful.

546

:

Thank you so much, so as we

talked about, it's almost a year.

547

:

I bought the rights to herstories.com, and

I am trying to interview and have a weekly

548

:

podcast, with video too, that really,

when women inspire me or just inspiring

549

:

stories, I want to interview them.

550

:

I have a blog.

551

:

I am active on TikTok, and Instagram,

and just really trying to tell multiple

552

:

stories, and letting people have

their own voices, so definitely check

553

:

out, I joke, www.herstories.com, and

you can see different articles and

554

:

I joke, I'm just getting started.

555

:

It's not even a year old, and I'm

just, I've had this vision, 5, 6 years

556

:

ago, and I'm just happy to, to really

tell stories, and let people share

557

:

and really just create this community

of people that we're not alone, that

558

:

everyone's going through something.

559

:

Your friends come, your friends go, but

in the end, as we talked about having that

560

:

tribe, and letting people be honest with

who they are and who they're meant to be,

561

:

and I think that's where her story is.

562

:

I'm excited to see where it goes,

and I keep joking, my labor of love

563

:

around my real job, but this is

something I'm really passionate and

564

:

can't wait to see where it goes.

565

:

Joshua: I think that's what's important

is you're doing it out of passion, and

566

:

you're doing it out of the importance

of helping others, and I think just the

567

:

sense of you using the word vulnerability

today is a big deal in our culture,

568

:

because being vulnerable means that you're

weak, according to some people, which

569

:

I don't think is absolutely not true.

570

:

I think it's actually reframing

something that has been

571

:

misframed for hundreds of years.

572

:

I will go as far as saying that

because of the way that our culture

573

:

has been, let alone the ways in which

we interact with each other, and

574

:

I think it's time to revisit that

conversation, and you're doing that

575

:

through this project, and I encourage my

listeners to go check out the website.

576

:

I've been looking at it throughout

our interview today, and there's

577

:

a lot of different resources

available, and I encourage you

578

:

to check out, spend some time.

579

:

Yes, I really mean it.

580

:

Stop listening to Speaking From The Heart

and go watch some of her stories, but

581

:

Elaine, with all that said, you really

have enlightened me with not only your

582

:

viewpoints, but a matter of fact, the

things that you've been doing inspire me

583

:

to make me realize that I still have some

growth to do, on a personal level, when

584

:

it comes to these subject matters and

understanding those things, and I think

585

:

that's always what's important is not only

what everybody gets out of these sort of

586

:

stories or these things that we have going

on in our lives, but what are the lessons?

587

:

What are the opportunities that

we can gain from them, so with all

588

:

that said, thanks so much for being

on Speaking From The Heart today.

589

:

I really enjoyed our conversation and it's

been a privilege to have you on the show.

590

:

Elaine: Thank you so much.

591

:

It was a pleasure.

592

:

Joshua: I want to thank Elaine so

much for having this conversation,

593

:

but also at the same time being

able to share her unique story.

594

:

I love the fact that she has had such

a illustrious career, and she's been

595

:

able to do so many different types of

things, not only with her marketing

596

:

background, but to actually have a

great conversation about professional

597

:

networking, building relationships is

something that I believe is so needed,

598

:

especially in this world today, trying

to have such meaningful connections with

599

:

people, because if you really think about

it, the stories that we each have that

600

:

are instrumental to not only telling

what we are all about, but how we're

601

:

even recognized, how we stand out from

those things, is a lost and dying art.

602

:

It feels like every now and then, you

see a glimmer of hope with some people

603

:

really understanding that they need to

be unique, but at the same token, seeing

604

:

social media and other sort of platforms

take this sort of generic approach, and

605

:

then you have to fit yourself into that

approach so that you stand out, doesn't

606

:

necessarily mean that you really do.

607

:

That's why people, let alone even

companies, spend millions and millions

608

:

of dollars every year, upwards of even

billions if you have the budget; yes

609

:

that's right, with a capital B, to be

able to advertise yourself along with

610

:

your products and services, but the

way in which we consume our stories and

611

:

how we do it differently is really want

want to focus on here as we wrap up

612

:

today's episode, because let's face it.

613

:

The people that we have in our lives,

the people that we want to engage

614

:

in with our lives, mean that we have

to share our stories differently.

615

:

The medium that we try to share it

in is just as equally as important as

616

:

the way in which we tell that story.

617

:

Public speaking in itself, in which we

deliver, whether it's an informative,

618

:

persuasive, entertaining, humorous, or

whatever type of other speech you want

619

:

to give, is truly, utterly important,

but how you deliver yourself, especially

620

:

with the way that you are, whether you

are male, female, or non binary, no

621

:

matter which way you want to look at it,

being able to help yourself in creating

622

:

different spectrums of which you are not

only equal to everybody else, but yet

623

:

you also are different from everybody

else, is what makes us unique in itself.

624

:

This has to be the reason why we keep

moving forward, because the level of

625

:

involvement, especially with trying

to deliver that type of story, or even

626

:

trying to figure out what that kind of

relationship is, means that we have to

627

:

spend some time not only digging into the

material of what it is that you're trying

628

:

to convey, but it also means leaving

yourself a little bit open, and a little

629

:

bit vulnerable, to being able to tell

that, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

630

:

I think what makes Elaine's story,

and even her illustrious career, so

631

:

important is that she speaks with people.

632

:

She speaks with people with conviction

that she really wants to help build up

633

:

areas in their lives, whether it's their

businesses or themselves, that help

634

:

them to focus on what's truly important.

635

:

The most creative types of marketing,

whether it's some sort of luxury or

636

:

necessity, changes the dynamic of

what we normally think is what we

637

:

associate from traditional times what

is really important in buying a product

638

:

or service, and sure, you might be

thinking to yourself, "How is this

639

:

even related to my own personal life?"

640

:

but it is, when you really discover the

fact that it's really the ideas and those

641

:

are the sort of concepts that we focus

on when making a decision, whether we are

642

:

conscious about it or not, because we have

to work through those standards, and that

643

:

even applies to our relationships, which

is ironically enough, just even in our

644

:

previous episode, talked about the value

of having those relationship standards.

645

:

Being able to have happiness, being

able to create intimate moments

646

:

with other areas of our lives, even

if we have to look at them in a

647

:

professional context, but building

these areas of happiness means that

648

:

we also are faced with a choice.

649

:

Do we carry forward with what is needed

to create this opportunity for success,

650

:

or do we really want to be happy?

651

:

Do we really feel that we can be happy

with that choice that we've made, but I

652

:

think that the biggest focus of it all

is that we have to look at the people.

653

:

What is really helping us to

create that overall important

654

:

mark, not only in our lives, but

in other people's lives as well?

655

:

Ultimately, can we be vulnerable

and help others to create that

656

:

value, all in the same token?

657

:

Well, I'm a coach, and if I really think

about this, I think that my job is to

658

:

make sure that I keep myself vulnerable.

659

:

I keep myself fresh with the perspectives.

660

:

I keep myself, and my story, relevant

to those that are seeking what my value

661

:

is, because in essence, the value that

I am giving, I want to impart onto

662

:

other people, but it doesn't mean that

I force it onto other people, as I

663

:

have made quite clear in many of these

episodes since the very beginning.

664

:

I think that my focus of it, though,

isn't just about helping people tell that

665

:

story, no matter what kind of concept that

might be, but it's also understanding who

666

:

I'm trying to serve, because in the real

world, I really want to make sure that

667

:

they have the results that they want to

have; what they really desire the most.

668

:

Being able to tell those stories,

regardless of what your background is,

669

:

no matter what you're volunteering to

do to help out, means that you have to

670

:

be able to learn what you are becoming,

which Elaine shared quite a lot of

671

:

that backstory, even in today's show,

but we have to learn how to listen.

672

:

Active listening in itself is a skill

that we have to keep developing.

673

:

It even allows us to have that level of

involvement that we oftentimes forget that

674

:

we need to have in a conversation so that

we can speak, not only of our husbands

675

:

and wives, not only with our friends and

family, but also with the professionals,

676

:

the leaders, the lay workers, all the

people in between that help support from

677

:

an administrative standpoint; all the

people that actually carry out the work.

678

:

We have to learn how to build up those

areas from all angles if we really are

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:

ultimately able to tell the story of

our personal, professional, business

680

:

related adventures, but the concept of

being happy, being able to feel like we

681

:

can have moments of enjoyment, mean that

we have to also realize that we have to

682

:

open ourselves up to the possibility of

having choice, and the freedom of making

683

:

such choice, especially when the stakes

are very high, especially if we want to

684

:

help a community of people feel like they

have the value to keep on moving forward.

685

:

I know that we often talk about on this

show the importance of not only having

686

:

that sort of dialogue, not only about

having those people committed to making

687

:

our lives successful, but it also means

that we have to give ourselves a little.

688

:

It means that we have to be able

to form relationships, confidence,

689

:

determination, oftentimes in a story

that has not been written yet, but we

690

:

have a choice as to whether we want to

move that needle forward, move progress

691

:

in the right direction, or move it

backwards, and I think sometimes to

692

:

take a step backward, sometimes people

think that that means that we have

693

:

to sacrifice something, that we have

to give up a little bit of ourselves,

694

:

but that's not really the truth.

695

:

The truth of the matter is, when

we have those types of stories that

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:

have an awesome beginning, an awesome

middle, and an awesome end, it

697

:

doesn't necessarily mean that they are

really full of awesome opportunity.

698

:

I think the best written story is

sometimes dealing with the most difficult

699

:

of situations, how you're overcoming

them in the middle, but at the same time,

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:

what the end result is, or the ending of

that story, that really matters the most.

701

:

Regardless of whether you are going

from a blue collar to white collar job,

702

:

or vice versa, or maybe even something

else is happening, maybe something

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:

that's totally out of your control.

704

:

Maybe you are a whistleblower, pointing

out the wrongs of something that's

705

:

occurring and then being fired unjustly.

706

:

Maybe you have created a situation

where you maybe made some remarks

707

:

that you should have never made, but

you got fired, and now you're trying

708

:

to figure out what's the best path

to move forward, especially if I have

709

:

to learn how to be more respectful.

710

:

Isn't the purpose of the story,

especially with the morals that you're

711

:

supposed to learn from it, also mean

that you have the opportunity to also

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:

have a purpose, along with the vision,

of what you could be in the future?

713

:

Maybe that future is not always bright,

but I have to say, from what we have

714

:

heard today, I think we have to relearn

the fact that areas of happiness mean

715

:

that not only do we need to be able to

respect each other, but we also have to

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:

respect the fact that when we have the

ups and downs, we're also still building

717

:

on that awesome story that keeps on

moving forward, whether it's personal or

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:

professional, so remember today, that it

isn't just about the ups and downs, the

719

:

highlights of your story, and maybe even

trying to always be consistently high on

720

:

the awesome things that are happening.

721

:

It's okay to fall back a little bit.

722

:

Take a respite, maybe be boring for that

matter, but it's about getting back into

723

:

the main part of the story, being active

in your life, and changing the status quo

724

:

that might be the status quo that you've

always lived in for such a long time.

725

:

Your story is so important, and whether

you think it is or not, know this.

726

:

There's somebody that's counting on you

to interact with them, so that they are

727

:

able to continue their story, but also

the people that are interacting with

728

:

you are going to help you generate the

story that you have yet to write, even

729

:

if you think that you're just a plain

Jane, or even somebody else for that

730

:

matter, that might be just written off

as just a subplot to the overall story.

731

:

Don't let them hold you back, because hey,

who's the main character of your story?

732

:

Isn't it you?

733

:

Well, I think it is, and I think

that's why you should give yourself

734

:

a little bit more credit than just

writing yourself off as if you never

735

:

existed, because you're not just a

plant, or just a piece of shrubbery,

736

:

or just a prop in that overall story.

737

:

You matter.

738

:

No matter what role that you play.

739

:

Thanks for listening to episode

number 125 of Speaking from the

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:

Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart very soon.

741

:

Outro: Thanks for listening.

742

:

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

743

:

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

744

:

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

745

:

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

746

:

See you next time.

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About the Podcast

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Speaking From The Heart
Your Speaking Voice LLC's Business Podcast

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About your host

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Joshua Smith

Joshua D. Smith is the Owner and Founder of Your Speaking Voice, a life coaching, business coaching, and public speaking company based in Carlisle, PA. Serving clients across the world, Joshua got his start in personal/professional development and public speaking in April of 2012 through his extensive involvement in an educational non-profit organization called Toastmasters International.

Toastmasters International operates clubs both domestically and internationally that focus on teaching leadership, development, and public speaking skills. Joshua quickly excelled in Toastmasters International and found that he had a passion for leadership and helping others find their confidence and their true "speaking voice". Joshua has held all club officer roles and most District level positions in Toastmasters International and belongs to numerous clubs throughout the organization. Joshua has also been recognized as two-time Distinguished Toastmaster, the highest award the organization bestows for achievement in leadership and communication.

Joshua continues his active role in the community as he serves a Board Member for the Shalom House, an organization located in the Alison Hill section of Harrisburg, PA that provides emergency shelter services to women and children.

Outside of his community involvement, education is something that Joshua has always taken great pride in. His academic achievements include a number of degrees from Alvernia and Shippensburg University. He earned a Bachelor's degree in political science and communications from Alvernia in 2009, a masters of business administration from Alvernia in 2010, and later a masters in public administration from Shippensburg in 2014.

In the professional world, Joshua has held multiple positions with the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania for over 12 years which includes a variety of data analytics, procurement, budgeting, business process improvement (IT and non-IT), legal compliance, and working with the blind. He has applied his public speaking and development skills in the professional world to tackle numerous public speaking engagements and presentations from all levels of the organization, including executive management.

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