Episode #167 - When People Keep Walking By...Keep Walking With Them

Intro: 00:00:00

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

2

: 00:00:03

determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

3

: 00:00:08

This is Speaking From The Heart.

4

: 00:00:11

Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 167 of Speaking from the Heart.

5

: 00:00:16

I know.

6

: 00:00:17

I'm feeling it.

7

: 00:00:19

I know that you sense it.

8

: 00:00:20

I feel that maybe it's something that

happened to you all those years ago

9

: 00:00:25

and you're still holding on to it.

10

: 00:00:28

It might have even happened yesterday.

11

: 00:00:30

You were walking down the street and

all of a sudden, somebody said to

12

: 00:00:34

you something that you never thought

you would ever hear in your life.

13

: 00:00:38

It was something that was full of hate.

14

: 00:00:40

It was insensitive.

15

: 00:00:42

It created this void inside of yourself,

and despite the fact that you tried to

16

: 00:00:47

work through it, it still holds on to

you, almost like a knife stabbing right

17

: 00:00:52

into your heart, but when you have that

feeling from other people, and they

18

: 00:00:57

keep on walking by, it's time to keep

walking with them, not stalking them,

19

: 00:01:04

but walking with them, to be able to

learn a little bit more as to why they

20

: 00:01:09

might be responding the way they are.

21

: 00:01:12

I don't know about you, but maybe you

don't feel comfortable with doing that,

22

: 00:01:16

and maybe I mean that more figuratively,

which I do indeed mean that, and today's

23

: 00:01:21

episode is talking about when people

do nasty, mean things to you, make you

24

: 00:01:26

feel like you're holding on to those

countless attempts of failure, even

25

: 00:01:30

though you try to keep on winning and

succeeding as much as you possibly can,

26

: 00:01:34

maybe it's time to investigate why they

are the reason they are the problem for

27

: 00:01:39

what you have accomplished for yourself.

28

: 00:01:43

I know that we can have that bias.

29

: 00:01:45

We might be in that groupthink of saying

to ourselves, "We have it all together.

30

: 00:01:51

I know that I am doing the most amazing

things in my life, and nobody can ever

31

: 00:01:56

challenge me in those circumstances.

32

: 00:01:58

Try to bring it on.

33

: 00:02:00

Try to tell me differently,

because I'll tell you something.

34

: 00:02:03

It's not what you think it is,

and I'm going to work on myself.

35

: 00:02:07

I'm going to keep on

being better than I am."

36

: 00:02:11

I'm sure that you have those self talks.

37

: 00:02:13

I'm sure that you have those mantras

that help you; that positive affirmation.

38

: 00:02:18

We've talked about it on a number of

different episodes on how that can

39

: 00:02:21

create opportunities in itself, but

what if those mantras are really wrong?

40

: 00:02:26

What if you do have groupthink?

41

: 00:02:28

What if you are saying

things that are really mean?

42

: 00:02:31

They're not giving anybody else much

perspective to be able to help you,

43

: 00:02:35

work with you, maybe even talk to you,

challenging your status quo, but I know

44

: 00:02:41

that for us, it's easier to be able to

say that we need to work on ourselves,

45

: 00:02:46

and then we were able to set up that

plan, that futuristic version of ourself

46

: 00:02:51

that we always wanted to be, and we've

had those conversations even recently

47

: 00:02:55

on this podcast, especially as it

comes to the end of the year entering

48

: 00:02:59

into the year 2025, but it's perfectly

okay to feel the way that you do.

49

: 00:03:06

I'm sure that you might feel a little

bit comfortable being able to say to

50

: 00:03:10

somebody else, "Give me some feedback

on this.", especially if it's from

51

: 00:03:14

somebody that you absolutely trust.

52

: 00:03:16

I know I have people like that.

53

: 00:03:18

We featured Melody Taylor on an episode

not all that long ago, in which, my best

54

: 00:03:23

friend, even tells me when I'm acting out.

55

: 00:03:27

I've had other people even reach out to

me saying that, "Why am I doing what I'm

56

: 00:03:30

doing?", challenging my self belief and

giving me the encouragement to think a

57

: 00:03:36

little bit differently, but why do we take

these things so personally, especially

58

: 00:03:41

if they're from complete strangers?

59

: 00:03:43

Well, I have a theory.

60

: 00:03:45

It's because we are trying to live

up to someone else's expectation.

61

: 00:03:49

It might be even something that

has happened to us a long time ago.

62

: 00:03:52

It might have even hurt us in a way

in which we don't feel comfortable

63

: 00:03:56

about how we're able to create that

dynamic, that feeling of self-worth.

64

: 00:04:03

Even if you think you have that

ability to always ask yourself those

65

: 00:04:06

important questions, to be able to

have that self-reflective perspective,

66

: 00:04:12

which is a very much a tongue twister

in itself, I still say that you need

67

: 00:04:16

somebody else from the outside to

tell you what you should be looking

68

: 00:04:21

at as ways in which you can improve.

69

: 00:04:24

It doesn't mean that you go up to complete

random strangers and ask them, "Hey!

70

: 00:04:28

How do you think I should get better?

71

: 00:04:30

Should I do this?

72

: 00:04:31

Should I do that?"

73

: 00:04:32

I'm sure that all those different people,

all those different voices for that

74

: 00:04:36

matter could tell you in a variety of

different ways, how you can do that,

75

: 00:04:40

how you can walk down that path, but if

you really are going to give yourself

76

: 00:04:44

opportunities to grow in yourself, when

those people walk by, giving you those

77

: 00:04:49

negative messages, or even making you feel

worthless, it's time to start asking more

78

: 00:04:55

questions, and start walking with them as

to why they are doing what they're doing.

79

: 00:05:01

Now, I don't mean literally, as I

mentioned earlier, because there

80

: 00:05:04

are laws that protect other people.

81

: 00:05:07

I'm not abricating that

you should commit a crime.

82

: 00:05:09

It would be against my ethics, especially

as a coach on why it's so important for us

83

: 00:05:13

to work on ourselves, to be able to work

on our voice, in this ever-changing world.

84

: 00:05:19

What I'm really encouraging to do is to

think about what are some other ways in

85

: 00:05:23

which you can learn from that person from

a distance, or maybe even others that

86

: 00:05:27

you have in your life that act the same

way, that can create that best value,

87

: 00:05:33

that can help you to shake the tree

that you have in your life right now.

88

: 00:05:38

Maybe it can help you in figuring

out what are the ways in which you

89

: 00:05:42

can create not only more opportunity

for yourself, but for others as well.

90

: 00:05:49

I think that it means that you have to

figure out what is the percentage chance

91

: 00:05:53

of rejection ever occurring again if

you are willing to work on yourself.

92

: 00:05:58

I will also have to caveat that you

will never be able to reach zero

93

: 00:06:02

percent, meaning that you will never

get another piece of criticism in

94

: 00:06:05

your life, because let's face it.

95

: 00:06:08

If it wasn't for criticism, we wouldn't

be able to have this conversation today.

96

: 00:06:12

It's by human nature that we criticize

each other, because we think, or

97

: 00:06:16

have this perspective, of what

criticism really is in our life.

98

: 00:06:21

What might be positive reinforcement

from one person, might be criticism

99

: 00:06:25

from another person, using the same

words, using the same tone or approach.

100

: 00:06:31

It doesn't mean that we're wrong, it

just means that we have to reframe

101

: 00:06:34

the conversation in our head, actually

rewiring our brains for that matter of

102

: 00:06:39

how we can change our fixed mindset to a

growth mindset, but even with all those

103

: 00:06:45

things said, you have to also learn how

to be able to talk to people, being able

104

: 00:06:50

to understand how to ask those right

questions, and it doesn't mean that

105

: 00:06:54

you have to figure out what the exact

wording is of that question, but also

106

: 00:06:59

coming from it from a perspective of

having peace, having it that you really

107

: 00:07:04

genuinely want to learn more, that you

are open to feedback and perspectives that

108

: 00:07:09

normally you wouldn't accept otherwise,

so here's some things to think about if

109

: 00:07:14

you ever decide that you want to keep

walking with the people that might have

110

: 00:07:18

challenged you, that might have made you

feel worthless, or maybe that has made you

111

: 00:07:22

felt like maybe you needed to do a little

bit better than you had been before.

112

: 00:07:28

The first thing I would recommend

is to even write down the people

113

: 00:07:31

that immediately come to mind.

114

: 00:07:33

Maybe there's been people even recently

that have challenged your status quo.

115

: 00:07:38

They have made you feel like your

perception of what life is all

116

: 00:07:41

about, and what you're trying

to achieve, is completely off.

117

: 00:07:46

Having that list, having those people

available to you that you would

118

: 00:07:49

be able to reach out and have that

conversation with is a good start.

119

: 00:07:54

That means writing down names, email

addresses, phone numbers, and even

120

: 00:07:58

why you want to reach out to them.

121

: 00:08:00

Writing that narrative is so important.

122

: 00:08:03

After you do that, think about what

that conversation will look like.

123

: 00:08:06

That's step two.

124

: 00:08:08

That conversation should

not be accusatory.

125

: 00:08:11

It should not be riling their feelings,

or making them feel worthless because

126

: 00:08:16

of what they said to you, but how

you can kindly and politely point

127

: 00:08:20

out what has happened so that you can

have that dialogue, you can have that

128

: 00:08:26

conversation with each other, about why

those things happened the way they did.

129

: 00:08:32

Figuring out how that conversation

will ultimately operate, which we

130

: 00:08:36

have even talked about in some recent

episodes of how that dialogue could

131

: 00:08:40

happen from a job perspective, could

help you to also formulate what that

132

: 00:08:44

safe conversation would look like.

133

: 00:08:47

Now, when I say the word safe,

it means that we're not attacking

134

: 00:08:51

each other, using verbal violence.

135

: 00:08:53

It doesn't mean that we stay silent

when they actually are giving us

136

: 00:08:56

constructive feedback that we asked for.

137

: 00:08:59

What I'm essentially saying

is you're preparing your body.

138

: 00:09:02

You're preparing for what the physical

manifestations that will occur, and

139

: 00:09:07

figuring out how to best respond to them.

140

: 00:09:09

That means you might need to

rehearse some of these responses with

141

: 00:09:12

somebody that you absolutely trust.

142

: 00:09:14

It also means, though, that you have to

keep walking with people that sometimes

143

: 00:09:19

might need to be a little bit more

patient than others to be able to gain

144

: 00:09:23

this information, to be able to figure

out how can you move this conversation

145

: 00:09:28

forward, but to be able to have this

percentage chance of rejection be

146

: 00:09:33

reduced even more, we have to figure

out what it might mean to rewire our

147

: 00:09:39

brain to not think of it as rejection.

148

: 00:09:42

I know.

149

: 00:09:43

Pretty meta, right?

150

: 00:09:45

The third step, after you figure out what

your list is and what those conversations

151

: 00:09:49

will look like, figure out what is it

that you ultimately want to achieve,

152

: 00:09:54

because if you're able to figure out

what you really want to achieve through

153

: 00:09:57

creating this opportunity, this space to

be able to grow in, you want to have an

154

: 00:10:03

ultimate purpose for the conversation.

155

: 00:10:05

Do you want to be better at,

say, talking to your family?

156

: 00:10:09

Do you want to be better with becoming

more skillful, more knowledgeable in

157

: 00:10:14

something that maybe you were screwing

up, maybe not doing as well as others?

158

: 00:10:19

Maybe there's some other purpose,

regardless of what it might be, figuring

159

: 00:10:23

out how you can become the true version

of yourself means that not only are you

160

: 00:10:27

working on your ability to be able to

have that kind of conversation, you're

161

: 00:10:30

also preventing your body, yourself for

that matter, from falling into a pit

162

: 00:10:35

that maybe you can't climb out of, and

being a little bit more receptive of

163

: 00:10:40

what other people might have as opinions.

164

: 00:10:45

You know, I have to pause on this,

because sometimes hearing this, even

165

: 00:10:49

in my own life, makes me think about

all the times in which I was very much

166

: 00:10:53

against what people had to say for me.

167

: 00:10:56

Whether it was about the way in which

I treated others, or even the ways in

168

: 00:11:00

which I interacted based on my behavior

or my thought pattern for that day,

169

: 00:11:05

I know that I hurt a lot of people.

170

: 00:11:08

I am guilty of so many different

crimes against humanity when it comes

171

: 00:11:12

to my viewpoints, my perceptions,

what I actually voice to others, and

172

: 00:11:17

I know that I don't escape from that.

173

: 00:11:20

I know that I need to embrace that.

174

: 00:11:22

I know that I need to do better, and

that's something that has been on my

175

: 00:11:26

conscious for such a long time, but I

don't want it to eat me up, and that's

176

: 00:11:30

what I'm really advocating for today

is not to let this get the best of you.

177

: 00:11:36

When people do this, they have

no idea how much it might impact

178

: 00:11:41

you, because they don't think

about that perspective as often.

179

: 00:11:45

They're more worried about what

they have to say, what they have

180

: 00:11:48

on their chest, that they want to

get out to you, that sometimes they

181

: 00:11:52

don't even consider what some of the

viewpoints that I'm saying today.

182

: 00:11:56

Giving yourself the perspective of,

"What is it that you really want to

183

: 00:12:00

achieve?", and also, "What are some

ways in which you can fight against some

184

: 00:12:05

of the negative imagery, or even the

messaging that you're going to portray?"

185

: 00:12:10

Being able to stay in this

space of rejection does do some

186

: 00:12:13

physical harm, and let's be real.

187

: 00:12:16

This guy, your podcast host, has

definitely created that negative

188

: 00:12:21

perception of himself in that space

of rejection time and time again,

189

: 00:12:26

and dare I say, I might even be

doing it now by even mentioning it

190

: 00:12:30

here on this very episode, because

I know that I am a work in progress.

191

: 00:12:37

That means that that continuous

feedback loop of knowing that I need

192

: 00:12:41

to work on myself needs to happen.

193

: 00:12:44

I don't need to catastrophize

myself every single time.

194

: 00:12:48

One of the things that I've learned

even as I continue to do this

195

: 00:12:51

podcast, and even do my business,

is that confidence is something that

196

: 00:12:55

really people appreciate a lot more.

197

: 00:12:58

They want to feel like they can trust

you in what you really have to say.

198

: 00:13:03

Whether it's right, wrong, or indifferent,

having that conviction of knowing that

199

: 00:13:07

this is the universal laws that I live by

is something that they really appreciate

200

: 00:13:12

a lot more than anything else, so if

you don't have those universal laws that

201

: 00:13:16

you live by and you're just drifting

aimlessly through life, that is something

202

: 00:13:20

that I would encourage you to set goals

on, to be able to figure out what are

203

: 00:13:24

the things that you're really driving

yourself towards, because even with all

204

: 00:13:28

those things that are happening, whether

it's through the different types of

205

: 00:13:32

mental health, physical health, or even

emotional health that you have, even

206

: 00:13:39

if it is all those things and so much

more, I want you to know that by just

207

: 00:13:44

working on yourself, and failing at it,

doesn't mean that you are a failure,

208

: 00:13:51

and regardless of what other people have

to say to you, you are not a failure.

209

: 00:13:59

At the time of this recording, I was

at a Toastmasters meeting in which I

210

: 00:14:02

met a young lady a number of months

ago, which I will withhold her identity

211

: 00:14:06

for her protection, that really had

given me a perspective on why it's so

212

: 00:14:10

important to work on your confidence.

213

: 00:14:13

A number of years ago, when I went on

my stint of joining over 12 Toastmaster

214

: 00:14:18

clubs, and I know it's crazy, right?

215

: 00:14:21

Joining that many clubs and trying

to work on yourself was absolutely

216

: 00:14:25

insane, but for me, I needed that

healing at that period of time.

217

: 00:14:29

I was missing the confidence in myself

because I let other voices in my head

218

: 00:14:33

tell me that I wasn't good enough,

and it wasn't just the voices of the

219

: 00:14:36

past, it was the voices of the present.

220

: 00:14:40

This lady, which gave an eight to ten

minute speech about what it means to

221

: 00:14:44

be consistent, to be able to form good

habits, realized in herself that maybe

222

: 00:14:50

she needed to work on that and created

a YouTube channel that really helped

223

: 00:14:53

her to create that ongoing engagement.

224

: 00:14:58

Now, this lady, who has always been able

to work and grow and be able to develop

225

: 00:15:04

her self confidence and the future version

of herself in her own way, has really

226

: 00:15:09

inspired me in this episode to talk about

why it's so important to stay committed.

227

: 00:15:15

That commitment has really changed not

only her speaking ability, but I was

228

: 00:15:20

really proud because I had evaluated

her a number of months ago, seeing her

229

: 00:15:24

incorporate the feedback that I gave her.

230

: 00:15:28

She could have disregarded that

feedback and kept on walking away,

231

: 00:15:33

but instead, she embraced it.

232

: 00:15:35

She was able to keep walking with all

the things that she had going on in

233

: 00:15:40

her life, and be able to use what I

give in her as value as something that

234

: 00:15:45

will allow her to grow into a variety

of different ways, whether it is with

235

: 00:15:50

her speaking ability, or maybe even

with her own personal development.

236

: 00:15:56

I sometimes have to pause and learn

that really, it's about this path

237

: 00:16:01

that we walk on, even with people that

think that they really know it all,

238

: 00:16:06

or even if they feel like they do know

something or don't know something,

239

: 00:16:10

it's okay to have that conversation.

240

: 00:16:13

If anything, today's episode is

really about figuring out how we

241

: 00:16:17

can keep on walking forward, but

also not walking ourselves back,

242

: 00:16:22

thinking that we're worthless.

243

: 00:16:24

We need to be able to find ways in which

we don't reject ourself, not reduce our

244

: 00:16:29

self worth, but grow our self worth.

245

: 00:16:33

Oh, by the way, that woman is somebody

that I really admire that is willing

246

: 00:16:38

to work on herself, and be able to be

a shining example for her kids, amongst

247

: 00:16:43

others, in the Toastmasters club I

belong to, and it really has been an

248

: 00:16:47

enjoyable experience seeing herself

become the best version of who she is.

249

: 00:16:53

Are you willing to be the

best version of who you are?

250

: 00:16:56

Are you willing to take on that percentage

of chance that maybe you can work on

251

: 00:17:01

yourself and build a better habit?

252

: 00:17:03

Are you willing to stop pushing people

away, and start walking with them,

253

: 00:17:08

to become not only the best version,

but also learn a thing or two about

254

: 00:17:13

what life is all about, because I

believe it's not all about failures.

255

: 00:17:18

It's all about success.

256

: 00:17:21

Of course, by your perception that is.

257

: 00:17:24

Thanks for listening to episode

number 167 of Speaking From the

258

: 00:17:28

Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart very soon.

259

: 00:17:33

Outro: Thanks for listening.

260

: 00:17:34

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

261

: 00:17:39

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

262

: 00:17:44

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

263

: 00:17:50

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

264

: 00:17:54

See you next time.