Episode 194
Episode #189 - Why Do You Never Tell Me Like It Is?
Have you ever wished that someone would tell you the truth about a situation that took place, and that the feedback that you wished you could receive was more genuine, especially when you know it’s not complete with information? Stunting personal & professional growth by not giving constructive feedback can be tremendously damaging if it is not shared, but can also suffer the same consequences if the way that it is delivered is carefully considered. In today’s episode about a contemporary take on “honesty is the best policy”, we dive into how to handle these conversations with constructive feedback, attention to non-verbal cues, and the integrity each of us have in sharing important information that can fundamentally change the trajectory of someone’s life.
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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs
Transcript
Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and
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:determination all converge into
an amazing, heartfelt experience.
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:This is Speaking From The Heart.
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:Joshua: Welcome back to episode
number 189 of Speaking from the Heart.
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:Have you ever had somebody not
tell you exactly what you should
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:be hearing, especially when it
relates to your job performance?
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:Maybe in a family situation or
some other circumstance where
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:you really wanted to be heard?
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:Maybe even be told the truth about
something that was happening, whether
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:that was in a situation that occurred
recently, or far in the past?
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:Don't you wish that they were
a little bit more up front?
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:Why don't they ever tell
you anything like it is?
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:I know that for many years in my
life, especially working a variety of
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:different jobs in the Commonwealth of
Pennsylvania, I've come across these
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:circumstances time and time again.
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:It's almost as if they are not willing
to share everything that is on their
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:minds, on their hearts, and not even
trying to make any effort whatsoever,
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:knowing that we need that information
if we're going to be better, even if it
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:relates to our job performance, or even
relates to things that we need to work on.
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:Why are we not being told everything?
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:"Why didn't you ever tell me like it is?",
is usually a question that comes up, so
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:in today's episode, I want to break down
a little bit of why the personal and
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:professional aspects of our lives, getting
that constructive feedback, not only could
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:be damaging, but if we don't say anything
at all, imagine how much more damaging
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:it could be if we're holding back, not
telling it like it is and then, not
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:trying to do anything about it whatsoever,
especially when we see it happening over
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:and over again; that repeated pattern.
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:That take on the "honesty is the
best policy", which is a phrase that
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:I've heard for many years growing up
as a kid, has taken on a whole new
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:dimension, especially in today's society.
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:The fear of retribution, being sued, and
even some of the most violent things that
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:I've seen that are grotesque in nature,
might be some of the motivations as to
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:why we hold back, why we're not capable
of having these types of conversations
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:anymore, but one of the basic premises to
even diffuse some of that is not only by
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:our upbringing, or knowing when it's okay
to say certain things at certain times
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:and in certain environments, but it's to
also know what is really happening, what
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:is really diving into some of the things
that have happened in our lives that
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:might be some of the precursors as to why
people don't want to say anything at all.
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:It's a fearful exercise of trying to
overcome, and handle these difficult
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:conversations, but yet have integrity,
have motivation for us, to keep on
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:moving that trajectory forward in
someone's life, or even ourselves.
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:We have to also know a little
bit about their history.
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:Have they reacted to such bad things
that been said to them in the past?
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:How have they been able to take
that kind of advice, and then
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:trying to also understand what
have they been able to accomplish?
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:Are they going to get upset if
they're pointed out again and
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:again that they haven't done what
they said they were going to do?
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:All of these things can be essentially
motivations as to why we don't want to
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:give feedback, why we don't want to try to
be a little bit more genuine, especially
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:if the going gets tough, but I would argue
that it's the way in which we approach it.
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:Giving that constructive feedback,
especially if we're holding it back
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:for so long, and we're not able to
say anything because we're fearful of
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:what that reaction is from somebody
else, can be truly devastating.
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:It can make the situation even worse.
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:It might even erode your credibility,
or trust factor if you will,
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:especially if you're in a committed
relationship on a personal level,
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:or you have to work with them every
day as a professional colleague.
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:Relationships, something that I have
talked about numerously on this show,
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:are really the focal point of what
we're talking about here today, because
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:we need to also gain the second value
of what I've always mentioned in
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:this show, which is about confidence.
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:The confidence of knowing that
when we share those things, we're
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:doing it with the right intentions,
not the wrong motivations, and
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:confidence doesn't come overnight.
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:It means that we have to practice not only
what we're going to say, but also how it's
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:going to be reacted to that recipient,
that person that is receiving it.
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:I know for a long time in my life,
especially as a kid that had many
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:issues with social development had to
overcome some of those frustrations,
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:some of those pain points when it came
to receiving bad news, and I certainly
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:did not know how to handle it very well,
because I wasn't shown very well how
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:to handle those difficult situations.
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:Not having all the information, though,
according to at least some of the things
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:that I have received as my individual
education plan, or IEPs for short, usually
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:would point to various things, such as
making sure that they know what's going
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:on, what is it that they actually need
to learn, and then also setting a plan in
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:motion, and holding to that accountability
factor, letting people know whether
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:they are actually doing the work or not.
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:Those are some of the things that we would
expect from our teachers, but yet, in
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:real life, when there are no teachers, and
there's nobody stopping you, what is it
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:that you should have learned growing up?
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:What is it that you're supposed to rely
on, so I'm hoping that today's episode
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:also bridges this gap of these verbal,
and non-verbal cues, and the integrity
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:that we should have to uphold why we
should let that person know, regardless
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:of how tough it might be, to get that
difficult conversation over and done with.
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:One of the things that I have learned,
especially when it comes to even my
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:Toastmasters experience, is the way
that you say it, the constructive
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:feedback that we have to give somebody.
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:The feedback isn't necessarily accusatory
in nature, but it's supposed to be
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:productive in a way in which that
allows that individual to know what
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:is exactly happening, and trying to
make sure that they can overcome those
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:deficiencies in adequate amount of time.
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:I'm not talking about a
performance improvement plan,
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:which we've already covered a
little bit on a previous episode.
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:I'm actually talking about how we are
able to see through that other person's
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:lens, why they would say what they're
saying, so as the recipient, when I
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:receive that constructive feedback,
I shouldn't take it personally.
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:It's supposed to help me.
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:It's supposed to show me what are some
of the things that I can do to be better,
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:where at the same token, as I'm delivering
that kind of advice to somebody that
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:might be receiving it and I don't know
what they're going to say, one of the
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:biggest things that we can do to make
sure that we hold ourselves back, and
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:that we're not taking a defensive mode
what they're going to say, is by setting
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:up the premise of the conversation.
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:Why is it that we're actually meeting in
the first place, or why are we having this
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:conversation right now of all moments?
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:We often forget about when constructive
feedback occurs to actually set up
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:the tone, the direction of what that
conversation is supposed to be all about.
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:That direction, that ability for us
to see what's ahead, or even what's
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:behind us for that matter, can certainly
create a different context, a different
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:direction of the overall tone, and that
tone is so important, especially if
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:you are trying to make sure that that
person knows exactly what is going on.
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:Constructive feedback also
doesn't have to be accusatory.
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:It doesn't have to be an attack
on somebody's individuality,
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:or what they actually did.
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:When we learn how to talk to people
in a humane manner, being able to
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:tell it like it is becomes easier.
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:It becomes more direct, but also at
the same time, isn't full of emotion,
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:accusatory reactions, and other sort
of stimuli that might hold us back of
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:becoming better versions of who we are,
thus resolving the problem that is brought
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:up in the first place, so constructive
feedback is the biggest thing, especially
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:starting out, making sure that you
understand both parties, that is, how
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:to go about that conversation, but the
next thing, the attention to nonverbal
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:cues, is something that we, as we're
speaking, or even receiving, we need
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:to be able to understand if that
person is really being genuine or not.
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:One of the biggest things as to why
most information isn't completely
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:communicated, even if we have it in our
mind that we're going to communicate
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:everything that we want to say, is
because of the nonverbal cues that we see.
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:If somebody flinches, holds onto their
fist and clenches them, or even looks
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:away, those are some signs that maybe they
feel a little bit of discomfort, whether
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:that's in an angry sort of situation,
or maybe they're just not happy that
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:they have to sit through this, but that
attention to the nonverbal cues, the
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:way in which we actually interact with
someone, can make such a big difference
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:in not only achieving what we're supposed
to be doing with this conversation, but
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:also pivoting, making sure that we are
learning that through that pivot, we can
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:also address why that person feels the way
that they do, and it happens in both ways.
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:I could be, as someone receiving it, be
frustrated, and that might be the most
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:common tactic that you might see that
people are going through, but on the other
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:side of it, the person that is listening
to what that person has to say has to be
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:able to learn why it's important to pay
attention, and keep a straight face when
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:it comes to delivering this critique.
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:There shouldn't be any giggling.
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:There shouldn't be any frustration.
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:There shouldn't be any emotion.
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:It has to be as objective as it
possibly can, sticking to the facts.
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:Nonverbal cues really do help with
understanding whether that person is
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:listening, or appreciating what that
person has to say too, so it's a two way
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:street, making sure that each person pays
attention to what those nonverbal aspects
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:are, so that is number two and why it
might be sometimes hard to have these
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:types of conversations, but the integrity.
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:The reason is which we're sharing this
important information can fundamentally
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:change a corporation, a person's
relationship with someone, or even
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:the way in which we go about the rest
of our lives, because when we don't
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:handle it correctly, and we don't
give them all the facts, and they keep
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:doing the wrong thing over and over
again, without clearly telling them why
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:they're doing it wrong, that is where
this conversation oftentimes messes up.
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:It can be the number one thing, because
we're so worried about the retaliation,
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:the things that might be said to us, or
even other things that, especially in
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:today's society that we're worried about,
can create these issues in someone's life.
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:Part of the problem that we have to
face when it comes to having these
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:conversations, and even learning
about why that person's never said
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:anything to us in the first place, is
understanding why that trajectory changed.
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:If we're able to get to the heart of
why that fundamental change occurred,
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:and we're able to communicate
effectively why that change happened
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:in the first place, we are able
to then become better stewards.
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:We're able to address the consequences
of these types of conversations, and
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:have that feedback loop become more
genuine, more attuned, to what we actually
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:want it to do, which is to help that
other person, and to help ourselves
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:for that matter, tell that person what
is on our heart, what is on our mind.
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:Building relationships and confidence,
especially when it comes to these
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:types of conversations, means
that you have to have integrity.
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:Lying to someone, or not telling them
everything that you need to tell them, can
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:be a sure fine way of not only burning a
bridge, especially when it comes to the
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:corporate world, or even the sales that
you're trying to make, but also reflects
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:on you when you don't share everything
that you need to share, and that trust
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:factor depreciates significantly.
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:All these things, whether we're talking
about how we deliver that constructive
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:feedback, the nonverbal cues that
we're presenting, or even the integrity
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:that we have, can be all facets,
and can be all ways, in which that
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:might stunt our personal professional
growth if we're not able to handle
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:each of these three things correctly.
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:Now, there's obviously so much more
to this topic, and I'm sure that you
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:could point to many other critiques
of what those kinds of situations
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:are, and that provide that kind of
feedback, especially being genuine in
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:nature, but it's not just about these
three things, and it's not about what
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:we're trying to do as the methodology.
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:It's about the "why" factor, and as
we wrap up today's episode, I want to
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:explain to you why it's so important
to discuss these types of things
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:with an employee, with your partner,
no matter how tough it might be.
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:For many years of my life, especially
not getting the diagnosis that I received
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:with autism, it was a very lost process
for me to try to navigate as to why I
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:was feeling the way that I was feeling.
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:Of course, medical science has come a
long way, and this might not be the best
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:of examples, but relate to the fact that
what if you had the cure for cancer,
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:and you're not willing to tell that
person what that cure is, and you let
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:them suffer for cancer for many years?
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:Is that something that you ethically,
and morally, can live with?
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:Is this something that as you see
that person depreciate in their
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:health, and also don't feel very
good at all in trying to do a number
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:of different things in their life,
will you continue to let them suffer?
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:Will you let them hurt to the point
that you finally said, "Oh wait.
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:I have the cure for cancer.
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:I just withheld it from you,
because I wanted you to suffer."
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:Does that make you a better person?
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:Now, although this example is quite
extreme, I wish that I had some of the
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:tools in my toolbox that I now have
today, especially going through my
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:autism diagnosis, going through my life
situations that I have had for almost
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:five years, getting to this trajectory,
getting to this point where I feel a
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:lot more confident about myself, but
the problem was that no one ever told
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:me like it is, and as a result of
that, all those years, I could easily
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:say to myself That they were wasted.
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:Now for my listeners, I know
what you're going to say.
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:You're going to tell me that, "Josh.
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:Those years were not wasted.
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:You've learned so much about yourself.
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:You're so much of a better person."
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:The gap between point A and point B
could have been shortened significantly
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:if we were able to have this
conversation with complete information.
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:Giving constructive feedback, being able
to pay attention to the nonverbal cues,
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:and having the integrity, the respect of
actually having this type of conversation,
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:being able to have that contemporary
take on "honesty is the best policy",
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:means that we have to be responsible.
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:Being responsible means if we know that
there's an answer to a problem, and we're
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:not willing to share that with others,
does that make us the enemy as well?
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:Do we become victims, because of someone
else's antics, because they were so
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:frustrated by not having the answers to
those problems, especially if you had
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:the answers to them to begin with, and
you're never willing to volunteer it?
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:Who, at the end of the day, is
the enemy through those causes?
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:Through those situations?
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:When we look at all these things that
are happening in our lives, I want
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:you to reflect on today why it's so
important for us to never hold back
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:from our obligation to share what is
on our hearts, what is on our minds.
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:Being able to be tactful and respectful
means that we have to learn proper
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:manners, and I think as a lost art of
communication, we forgot what it looks
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:like to actually have the decency to
have those frank, tough conversations,
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:especially in a society that now depends
on shortened communications, like text
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:messaging and emails, to really shorten
the length of time in which we have to
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:communicate vast amounts of information.
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:The information that we need to share,
though, might be pivotal to making
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:a big difference in not only someone
else's life, but in all lives, so I
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:ask you today to reconsider how much
you might be sharing, and share more
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:than you might normally do, just
to see how that person might react.
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:If you're able to do that, and you're
able to share that kinds of information
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:with someone so that they are able to
make those kind, thoughtful decisions
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:to move themselves forward, I promise
you, at the end of the day, if they're
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:willing to see what you're truly capable
of becoming, if you're really able to
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:help them to see what they're able to
become, you would tell it like it is, so
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:grab that cup of coffee, grab that cup
of tea, maybe your favorite beverage,
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:sit down with that person, and let's have
that conversation once and for all, laying
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:everything on the table, but remember.
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:Constructive feedback, paying attention
to nonverbal cues, and the integrity of
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:why you're having that conversation is
what you need to work on, which is why
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:you can be better, and all of us can
be better, and having these types of
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:conversations, whether we like them or
not, it's okay to start talking again.
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:Thanks for listening to episode
number 189 of Speaking from the
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:Heart, and I look forward to
hearing from your heart very soon.
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:Outro: Thanks for listening.
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