Episode #123 - I'm Just Messing Around

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Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode number

123 of Speaking From The Heart, and

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yeah, I'm not going to mess around today.

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I'm not going to even try to make fun of

this whole subject matter that we're going

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to discuss, because today, although I feel

like I might be kidding around sometimes,

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I'm actually really trying to be serious,

and I'm really trying to communicate

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something of particular importance,

and, you might be thinking, "Sure.

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Yeah you are.

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Let's think about all the times in

which you poked fun at all the different

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subjects that you've covered on this

podcast.", but I think then you're not

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really listening to what I've been really

sharing, which is some authentic truth to

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sometimes the conversations that we should

be having in this ever-changing world.

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I often find it interesting that people

have struggles of trying to "kid around",

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which I use in air quotes, instead of,

"Am I around?", because don't you ever

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feel isolated, especially when somebody

is trying to make a joke or trying to

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make fun of a situation, but you're not

quite feeling like you're resonating

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with what they're trying to say?

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Do you even understand why they were

even joking in the first place, maybe

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even having the conversation that

they're having with you for that matter?

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I feel that this kidding around might

be even a defense mechanism sometimes

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for some people to try to poke fun

at sometimes a very serious situation

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that doesn't want to be addressed,

and I know that for many of us, those

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conversations, they can be light hearted.

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They should be things that are

lighthearted, but for others that

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might have different brain styles and

different ways in which they're trying

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to process what's around them, and might

not know exactly what's going on, you

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might be doing more harm than good.

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I know that this conversation that I'm

about to have with you today on this

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episode might go off the rails very

quickly, and you might be even giving some

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challenging perspective about what I'm

really trying to share, but keep in mind,

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this is just an opinion of your podcast

host, and the fact of the matter is, many

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of the circumstances that I have been

faced in my life, the very own Joshua D.

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Smith that's speaking to you, come from

a variety of different things that have

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happened in my life that I didn't really

find it to be funny, and as a result of

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people thinking that it's funny, they

think that I have to laugh at it, that

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I really have to pay some sort of homage

to what they're trying to do, and if it

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isn't quite clear what I'm talking about

yet, let's put it in this perspective.

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While somebody might think it's funny to

hurt someone with your words and maybe

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even the things that you do, it's not

really funny to somebody else that has

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faced trauma, depression, even felt a

sense of disconnection from somebody

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else as a result of their actions; the

things that they've done, and overall,

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they might not even feel funny about

anything that you're trying to say

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or even convey in a humorous nature.

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I can't believe that I have to say

that, and probably for some of you

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that are listening to this, you

already know what I'm talking about.

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You probably understand exactly what

that feeling is, but yet, for others,

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they have no clue, no comprehension,

because the things that they have

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to experience throughout their life,

even the things that they have dealt

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with, don't even hold a candle to what

we're talking about today, so when

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we're kidding around, you should be

really asking them, "Are you around

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to even listen to what I have to say?"

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I think this stems from many of the

conversations that we should be having

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so that we avoid conflict, which, on

this podcast, we've mentioned numerous

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times about my favorite book of all time,

the Crucial Conversations for Mastering

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Dialogue, now in its third edition, with

the authors of Kerry Patterson, Joseph

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Grenny, and many others, but I think

that that book starts to talk about this

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concept, but doesn't dig deep enough,

which is why I want to dig a little

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bit deeper today on why it's important

to acknowledge the other person's

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feelings, maybe even touch point with

them about why it's important to listen

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to what they have to say, or maybe what

they're not saying for that matter.

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That's right.

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Here at Your Speaking Voice, we're

not just talking about the words

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that we're using, we're talking about

the actions that also tell a story.

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They also have meaningful connection.

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Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing,

we have to address what is underneath

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the surface, and I think that the best

way that we're ever going to understand

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how to have that connection, to have that

relationship with someone else, is that

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we have to listen to our conversations

and how we're going about them, but we

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also have to acknowledge the big elephant

in the room: somebody else's perspective.

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I know that dreaded thing in which we

actually have to respect what someone

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else has to say, but if you think about

it, we should be listening to that

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other person's perspective, that brings

meaningful value into that pool of shared

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meaning, especially with what we've talked

about with the Crucial Conversations

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book, of how we're able to contribute to

the overall ending of that conversation.

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It is so important to be able to

theorize and understand why it's

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so important to listen to what

that other person has to say.

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It's very hard to be able to unlock that,

especially if you're in a very challenging

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position in which you have to realize and

recognize that the emotions, the feelings,

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and the thoughts that are swarming

around, don't easily come to fruition with

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other people that are dealing with this.

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They don't know how to articulate the word

structure that's involved with it because

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they've never been approached before

on this type of conversation, so when

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we talk about understanding what other

people have to say or what they have to

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acknowledge as part of the conversation,

we have to open up that dialogue.

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We have to create that safe space to

be able to do that, but the emotions

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that we connect ourselves with, the

very thoughts, feelings and emotions,

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means that we have to have a resonance.

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Our spirit has to manifest into connecting

with that other person so that we're on

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equal wavelength, because if the energy

patterns are not even equaling, not

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even coming close for that matter, to

what that other person is feeling, the

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conversation and everything that goes

alongside of it, will never happen in

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the way that you thought imaginable.

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Sound familiar?

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We've had many different guests on

the show that have talked about energy

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patterns and buildings and other

sort of architectural structures.

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We've had people that talk about the

energy levels that surround us through

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our childhood into even the teenage

years, into young adults, into even

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being older adults for that matter.

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All of those do manifest into this

connectivity that we're talking about

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today, because if we don't have that

connection and we're not able to be

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taken seriously, they are going to

think that you're messing around.

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They are thinking that you are

not worthy of their time or their

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consideration, and I find it really

disheartening because I think everybody

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has this opportunity to feel connected.

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We should be all valuing our energy

levels, our ability to connect.

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We are human creatures after all.

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We need to feel a lot more comfortable

about the things that we're talking

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about, but also the things that we do

talk about as topics need to be respected,

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and respect is something that is very

hard to find, especially nowadays, when

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you can easily go on social media and be

bombarded by all hate, negativity, and

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no respect to the opposite viewpoint.

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You even see the dysfunction, especially

of politicians being able to work

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together, being able to see the common

cause and go over those concessions,

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those abilities that we should all have

to be able to negotiate, delegate, and

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discuss to be able to be on equal footing.

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I think the most important relationships

that we have are for the people that want

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to hear us and what we have to say, and if

we disrespect the process that's involved

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with it, you might as well forget about

ever holding a Crucial Conversation,

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but before I go off more on a path of

Crucial Conversation, let's refocus on

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the fact that this is about emotions.

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This is about whether you're

being taken seriously or not,

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and that's a confidence factor.

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In confidence, we're trying to feel

a lot better about the things that

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we're trying to do; to feel like

we are an expert, an authority.

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Whether that is in parenting, whether

that's being a teacher, whether that

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is being a business person, regardless

of the nature in which you're trying to

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achieve this, each of us are trying to

garner the respect of somebody else, but

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do we need to be known as a jokester to be

able to become a lot better at our craft?

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It's funny because when I talk about

this subject, I think about the fact

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that I use humor as a defense mechanism.

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I use it because I've always been

afraid of what other people might

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think about some of the thoughts that I

have, because I know that the thoughts

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that I have are very black and white.

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They're not very concrete.

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They're not very colorful.

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Sometimes, I am pigeonholing myself

into this corner of not being able to

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negotiate, to address the situations

and the feelings that I'm feeling.

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As a result of that, the connections that

I have often tend to be very surface.

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They're not very deep, and as a result

of that, people think that I'm trying to

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be funny, when oftentimes, if they would

ask the right questions, if they would

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probe a little bit deeper, especially

in the moment when things are really

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turning sour, they might be able to get

a lot more out of me, and what I have

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is thoughts, feelings, and emotions

as it relates to the subject matter.

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In other words, having that

meaningful connection when you think

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that someone is funny, might be

something a little bit deeper going

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on than you ever thought imaginable.

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I think that we have to figure out a

little bit more about what it means

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to dig below the surface instead of

feeling like we have to go to this

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big, overarching conversation about why

something happened in the first place.

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We feel isolated, we feel insecure

about certain subject matters or certain

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things, because I think it's always

about what we have going on in our lives.

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I think that we always think

that we have to overachieve.

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We have to be able to say to ourselves,

"This is okay to feel", but at the same

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time, having that conversation about why

it's important to discuss what's going

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on can help us to focus, to achieve

more clarity, instead of running around,

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having that in the back of our minds, and

distracting us from the bigger picture.

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As I even mentioned in a previous episode,

having the distractions of somebody, even

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something for that matter, that doesn't

allow us to become the best version of

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who we are, often times means that we

have to overcome , not just the problems

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that we have in our lives, but also

the problems that other people have.

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We have to be our own coaches

sometimes when it comes to

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addressing what is really happening.

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To get to the bottom of it though, means

that we have to stop kidding around and

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start examining what's really important as

to why that person feels the way they do.

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Businesses spend so much

time resolving conflict.

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In a recent study that I read within

the last year, puts it at about

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three hours out of an eight hour

workday, in which many managers and

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bosses have to resolve that conflict

that's happening in the workplace.

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Imagine spending more than almost

half your day addressing conflict,

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and not being able to do your work.

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Why wonder we are least productive,

because we're always trying to

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put out a fire, because somebody

doesn't know how to defuse conflict.

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In other words, instead of worrying

about why they're kidding around

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and joking around, they're not

looking at what's below the surface.

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The next time that you have a conversation

with someone, and you're saying to

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yourself, "Why is this person kidding

around?", maybe they have something

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deeper happening in their lives.

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Maybe they truly are kidding around,

and maybe it's a Friday afternoon,

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in which there isn't very much work,

and you're just beating down the

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clock before you get to head out the

door, or sign off from your computer,

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for that matter, and that's okay.

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It's really about understanding how you

can connect, how you can create, and how

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you can endeavor to find that relationship

with someone, or something for that

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matter, that allows you to understand

why somebody is feeling the way they are.

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Now today I'm not asking you to be

"buddy, buddy" with someone that

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you absolutely despise being with.

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I'm actually asking you to open the

door to the possibility of having a

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conversation, to having a negotiation

if you will, of somebody that might

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be feeling a little bit down in the

dumps, but isn't quite sure how to best

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move forward, and you've seen some of

the patterns that oftentimes patterns

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never happened before in that person.

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Maybe the days in which they were happy

at one point are now looking a little

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bit sadder, or maybe the days, in which

they are looking a little bit happier

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might be because of some things that

have been happening below the surface,

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and maybe they are acting out of turn,

because they're never that kind of

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happy that they're showing right now.

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Now, I'm not asking you to go put on your

detective hat, be Sherlock Holmes or Mr.

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Watson for that matter, and walk

all over England to figure out what

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solving the crime is all about,

especially when you know that all the

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hidden clues are actually visible.

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I'm not asking you to do that.

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What I'm asking you to do is

just pay attention a little bit

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more than you normally would pay

attention, because when people go

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off the rails, something is wrong.

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I know that for many of us, this

might be just fun and games, but

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when we are about ready to get down

to business, and we want to have

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meaningful, engaging conversations,

and that person doesn't want to open

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up, the damage has already been done.

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Something has already happened, and

when you're getting all the laughs

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and chuckles when you're trying to be

serious, now you understand that maybe

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there was something wrong to begin with,

but it was already too late to fix it.

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My hope for you today is that you start

to open your eyes and you see that

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that is not impossible to resolve.

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You can change anything, or everything,

about your life and what you're really

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trying to do, but it's about understanding

and recognizing that we all have faults.

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We all have things that we have to be

serious about, but also at the same time,

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address the concerns, the problems, the

feelings of remorse, guilt, shame, maybe

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even ridicule for that matter, and be

able to have a conversation so that that

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conversation not only resolves conflict

but maybe just resolves a minor difference

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that you have, but, hey, if it's a Friday

afternoon and you're listening to this,

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I would recommend re listening to this

on a Monday, because they might be just

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joking around, but it's about patterns.

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It's about what we see

directly and indirectly.

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It's about taking inventory of what's

all around us, but it's also paying

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attention to the signs that are around

us when they really count the most, so

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the next time that you're messing around,

think about what you might be doing.

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Think about how it might have an impact

on somebody else that might be thinking a

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little bit differently, but, I'm not also

saying that you have to be hypersensitive.

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Maybe have a conversation about what

it means to be a little bit funny with

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that person; maybe they will have a

different perspective, appreciation,

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if you will, of what your viewpoint

is, and if they don't like you,

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even after all of that, that's okay.

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You tried, and, in the coaching

world, we celebrate trying.

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Even if it doesn't succeed, the sheer

effort of you actually applying by

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what you have been taught can make

such a big difference, not just in

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your mindset, but also in what other

people might think about you, and what

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I think about you when you try this?

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I know you're not messing around.

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I know that you're taking it

seriously, and I'm glad for it.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 123 of Speaking From The

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

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The Heart to subscribe and be notified

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

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services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.