Episode 128
Episode #123 - I'm Just Messing Around
Have you ever had a conversation or situation feel that the other person that is involved with it, whether directly or indirectly, was full of “kidding around”, instead of “I am around”? Did you ever feel isolated as a result, making you feel that they do not take you seriously and damaging important relationships to move forward in the future conversations that you may have? Today’s episode examines the importance of not only sharing what is on your mind, but how to diffuse the “kidding around” into positive results that you set out to have. It’s OK to have fun moments, but to also know when it is time to get down to business, and how to engage in meaningful conversations going “off the rails” is important to distinguish.
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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs
Transcript
Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and
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:determination all converge into
an amazing, heartfelt experience.
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:This is Speaking From The Heart.
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:Joshua: Welcome back to episode number
123 of Speaking From The Heart, and
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:yeah, I'm not going to mess around today.
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:I'm not going to even try to make fun of
this whole subject matter that we're going
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:to discuss, because today, although I feel
like I might be kidding around sometimes,
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:I'm actually really trying to be serious,
and I'm really trying to communicate
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:something of particular importance,
and, you might be thinking, "Sure.
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:Yeah you are.
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:Let's think about all the times in
which you poked fun at all the different
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:subjects that you've covered on this
podcast.", but I think then you're not
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:really listening to what I've been really
sharing, which is some authentic truth to
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:sometimes the conversations that we should
be having in this ever-changing world.
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:I often find it interesting that people
have struggles of trying to "kid around",
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:which I use in air quotes, instead of,
"Am I around?", because don't you ever
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:feel isolated, especially when somebody
is trying to make a joke or trying to
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:make fun of a situation, but you're not
quite feeling like you're resonating
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:with what they're trying to say?
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:Do you even understand why they were
even joking in the first place, maybe
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:even having the conversation that
they're having with you for that matter?
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:I feel that this kidding around might
be even a defense mechanism sometimes
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:for some people to try to poke fun
at sometimes a very serious situation
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:that doesn't want to be addressed,
and I know that for many of us, those
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:conversations, they can be light hearted.
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:They should be things that are
lighthearted, but for others that
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:might have different brain styles and
different ways in which they're trying
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:to process what's around them, and might
not know exactly what's going on, you
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:might be doing more harm than good.
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:I know that this conversation that I'm
about to have with you today on this
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:episode might go off the rails very
quickly, and you might be even giving some
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:challenging perspective about what I'm
really trying to share, but keep in mind,
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:this is just an opinion of your podcast
host, and the fact of the matter is, many
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:of the circumstances that I have been
faced in my life, the very own Joshua D.
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:Smith that's speaking to you, come from
a variety of different things that have
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:happened in my life that I didn't really
find it to be funny, and as a result of
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:people thinking that it's funny, they
think that I have to laugh at it, that
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:I really have to pay some sort of homage
to what they're trying to do, and if it
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:isn't quite clear what I'm talking about
yet, let's put it in this perspective.
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:While somebody might think it's funny to
hurt someone with your words and maybe
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:even the things that you do, it's not
really funny to somebody else that has
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:faced trauma, depression, even felt a
sense of disconnection from somebody
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:else as a result of their actions; the
things that they've done, and overall,
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:they might not even feel funny about
anything that you're trying to say
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:or even convey in a humorous nature.
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:I can't believe that I have to say
that, and probably for some of you
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:that are listening to this, you
already know what I'm talking about.
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:You probably understand exactly what
that feeling is, but yet, for others,
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:they have no clue, no comprehension,
because the things that they have
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:to experience throughout their life,
even the things that they have dealt
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:with, don't even hold a candle to what
we're talking about today, so when
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:we're kidding around, you should be
really asking them, "Are you around
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:to even listen to what I have to say?"
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:I think this stems from many of the
conversations that we should be having
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:so that we avoid conflict, which, on
this podcast, we've mentioned numerous
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:times about my favorite book of all time,
the Crucial Conversations for Mastering
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:Dialogue, now in its third edition, with
the authors of Kerry Patterson, Joseph
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:Grenny, and many others, but I think
that that book starts to talk about this
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:concept, but doesn't dig deep enough,
which is why I want to dig a little
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:bit deeper today on why it's important
to acknowledge the other person's
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:feelings, maybe even touch point with
them about why it's important to listen
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:to what they have to say, or maybe what
they're not saying for that matter.
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:That's right.
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:Here at Your Speaking Voice, we're
not just talking about the words
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:that we're using, we're talking about
the actions that also tell a story.
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:They also have meaningful connection.
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:Whether it's a good thing or a bad thing,
we have to address what is underneath
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:the surface, and I think that the best
way that we're ever going to understand
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:how to have that connection, to have that
relationship with someone else, is that
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:we have to listen to our conversations
and how we're going about them, but we
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:also have to acknowledge the big elephant
in the room: somebody else's perspective.
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:I know that dreaded thing in which we
actually have to respect what someone
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:else has to say, but if you think about
it, we should be listening to that
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:other person's perspective, that brings
meaningful value into that pool of shared
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:meaning, especially with what we've talked
about with the Crucial Conversations
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:book, of how we're able to contribute to
the overall ending of that conversation.
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:It is so important to be able to
theorize and understand why it's
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:so important to listen to what
that other person has to say.
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:It's very hard to be able to unlock that,
especially if you're in a very challenging
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:position in which you have to realize and
recognize that the emotions, the feelings,
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:and the thoughts that are swarming
around, don't easily come to fruition with
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:other people that are dealing with this.
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:They don't know how to articulate the word
structure that's involved with it because
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:they've never been approached before
on this type of conversation, so when
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:we talk about understanding what other
people have to say or what they have to
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:acknowledge as part of the conversation,
we have to open up that dialogue.
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:We have to create that safe space to
be able to do that, but the emotions
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:that we connect ourselves with, the
very thoughts, feelings and emotions,
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:means that we have to have a resonance.
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:Our spirit has to manifest into connecting
with that other person so that we're on
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:equal wavelength, because if the energy
patterns are not even equaling, not
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:even coming close for that matter, to
what that other person is feeling, the
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:conversation and everything that goes
alongside of it, will never happen in
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:the way that you thought imaginable.
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:Sound familiar?
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:We've had many different guests on
the show that have talked about energy
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:patterns and buildings and other
sort of architectural structures.
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:We've had people that talk about the
energy levels that surround us through
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:our childhood into even the teenage
years, into young adults, into even
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:being older adults for that matter.
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:All of those do manifest into this
connectivity that we're talking about
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:today, because if we don't have that
connection and we're not able to be
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:taken seriously, they are going to
think that you're messing around.
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:They are thinking that you are
not worthy of their time or their
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:consideration, and I find it really
disheartening because I think everybody
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:has this opportunity to feel connected.
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:We should be all valuing our energy
levels, our ability to connect.
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:We are human creatures after all.
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:We need to feel a lot more comfortable
about the things that we're talking
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:about, but also the things that we do
talk about as topics need to be respected,
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:and respect is something that is very
hard to find, especially nowadays, when
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:you can easily go on social media and be
bombarded by all hate, negativity, and
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:no respect to the opposite viewpoint.
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:You even see the dysfunction, especially
of politicians being able to work
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:together, being able to see the common
cause and go over those concessions,
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:those abilities that we should all have
to be able to negotiate, delegate, and
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:discuss to be able to be on equal footing.
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:I think the most important relationships
that we have are for the people that want
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:to hear us and what we have to say, and if
we disrespect the process that's involved
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:with it, you might as well forget about
ever holding a Crucial Conversation,
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:but before I go off more on a path of
Crucial Conversation, let's refocus on
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:the fact that this is about emotions.
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:This is about whether you're
being taken seriously or not,
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:and that's a confidence factor.
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:In confidence, we're trying to feel
a lot better about the things that
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:we're trying to do; to feel like
we are an expert, an authority.
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:Whether that is in parenting, whether
that's being a teacher, whether that
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:is being a business person, regardless
of the nature in which you're trying to
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:achieve this, each of us are trying to
garner the respect of somebody else, but
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:do we need to be known as a jokester to be
able to become a lot better at our craft?
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:It's funny because when I talk about
this subject, I think about the fact
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:that I use humor as a defense mechanism.
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:I use it because I've always been
afraid of what other people might
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:think about some of the thoughts that I
have, because I know that the thoughts
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:that I have are very black and white.
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:They're not very concrete.
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:They're not very colorful.
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:Sometimes, I am pigeonholing myself
into this corner of not being able to
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:negotiate, to address the situations
and the feelings that I'm feeling.
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:As a result of that, the connections that
I have often tend to be very surface.
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:They're not very deep, and as a result
of that, people think that I'm trying to
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:be funny, when oftentimes, if they would
ask the right questions, if they would
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:probe a little bit deeper, especially
in the moment when things are really
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:turning sour, they might be able to get
a lot more out of me, and what I have
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:is thoughts, feelings, and emotions
as it relates to the subject matter.
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:In other words, having that
meaningful connection when you think
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:that someone is funny, might be
something a little bit deeper going
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:on than you ever thought imaginable.
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:I think that we have to figure out a
little bit more about what it means
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:to dig below the surface instead of
feeling like we have to go to this
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:big, overarching conversation about why
something happened in the first place.
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:We feel isolated, we feel insecure
about certain subject matters or certain
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:things, because I think it's always
about what we have going on in our lives.
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:I think that we always think
that we have to overachieve.
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:We have to be able to say to ourselves,
"This is okay to feel", but at the same
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:time, having that conversation about why
it's important to discuss what's going
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:on can help us to focus, to achieve
more clarity, instead of running around,
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:having that in the back of our minds, and
distracting us from the bigger picture.
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:As I even mentioned in a previous episode,
having the distractions of somebody, even
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:something for that matter, that doesn't
allow us to become the best version of
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:who we are, often times means that we
have to overcome , not just the problems
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:that we have in our lives, but also
the problems that other people have.
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:We have to be our own coaches
sometimes when it comes to
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:addressing what is really happening.
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:To get to the bottom of it though, means
that we have to stop kidding around and
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:start examining what's really important as
to why that person feels the way they do.
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:Businesses spend so much
time resolving conflict.
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:In a recent study that I read within
the last year, puts it at about
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:three hours out of an eight hour
workday, in which many managers and
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:bosses have to resolve that conflict
that's happening in the workplace.
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:Imagine spending more than almost
half your day addressing conflict,
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:and not being able to do your work.
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:Why wonder we are least productive,
because we're always trying to
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:put out a fire, because somebody
doesn't know how to defuse conflict.
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:In other words, instead of worrying
about why they're kidding around
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:and joking around, they're not
looking at what's below the surface.
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:The next time that you have a conversation
with someone, and you're saying to
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:yourself, "Why is this person kidding
around?", maybe they have something
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:deeper happening in their lives.
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:Maybe they truly are kidding around,
and maybe it's a Friday afternoon,
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:in which there isn't very much work,
and you're just beating down the
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:clock before you get to head out the
door, or sign off from your computer,
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:for that matter, and that's okay.
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:It's really about understanding how you
can connect, how you can create, and how
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:you can endeavor to find that relationship
with someone, or something for that
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:matter, that allows you to understand
why somebody is feeling the way they are.
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:Now today I'm not asking you to be
"buddy, buddy" with someone that
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:you absolutely despise being with.
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:I'm actually asking you to open the
door to the possibility of having a
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:conversation, to having a negotiation
if you will, of somebody that might
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:be feeling a little bit down in the
dumps, but isn't quite sure how to best
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:move forward, and you've seen some of
the patterns that oftentimes patterns
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:never happened before in that person.
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:Maybe the days in which they were happy
at one point are now looking a little
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:bit sadder, or maybe the days, in which
they are looking a little bit happier
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:might be because of some things that
have been happening below the surface,
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:and maybe they are acting out of turn,
because they're never that kind of
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:happy that they're showing right now.
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:Now, I'm not asking you to go put on your
detective hat, be Sherlock Holmes or Mr.
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:Watson for that matter, and walk
all over England to figure out what
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:solving the crime is all about,
especially when you know that all the
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:hidden clues are actually visible.
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:I'm not asking you to do that.
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:What I'm asking you to do is
just pay attention a little bit
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:more than you normally would pay
attention, because when people go
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:off the rails, something is wrong.
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:I know that for many of us, this
might be just fun and games, but
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:when we are about ready to get down
to business, and we want to have
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:meaningful, engaging conversations,
and that person doesn't want to open
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:up, the damage has already been done.
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:Something has already happened, and
when you're getting all the laughs
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:and chuckles when you're trying to be
serious, now you understand that maybe
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:there was something wrong to begin with,
but it was already too late to fix it.
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:My hope for you today is that you start
to open your eyes and you see that
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:that is not impossible to resolve.
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:You can change anything, or everything,
about your life and what you're really
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:trying to do, but it's about understanding
and recognizing that we all have faults.
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:We all have things that we have to be
serious about, but also at the same time,
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:address the concerns, the problems, the
feelings of remorse, guilt, shame, maybe
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:even ridicule for that matter, and be
able to have a conversation so that that
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:conversation not only resolves conflict
but maybe just resolves a minor difference
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:that you have, but, hey, if it's a Friday
afternoon and you're listening to this,
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:I would recommend re listening to this
on a Monday, because they might be just
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:joking around, but it's about patterns.
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:It's about what we see
directly and indirectly.
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:It's about taking inventory of what's
all around us, but it's also paying
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:attention to the signs that are around
us when they really count the most, so
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:the next time that you're messing around,
think about what you might be doing.
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:Think about how it might have an impact
on somebody else that might be thinking a
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:little bit differently, but, I'm not also
saying that you have to be hypersensitive.
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:Maybe have a conversation about what
it means to be a little bit funny with
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:that person; maybe they will have a
different perspective, appreciation,
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:if you will, of what your viewpoint
is, and if they don't like you,
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:even after all of that, that's okay.
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:You tried, and, in the coaching
world, we celebrate trying.
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:Even if it doesn't succeed, the sheer
effort of you actually applying by
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:what you have been taught can make
such a big difference, not just in
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:your mindset, but also in what other
people might think about you, and what
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:I think about you when you try this?
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:I know you're not messing around.
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:I know that you're taking it
seriously, and I'm glad for it.
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:Thanks for listening to episode
number 123 of Speaking From The
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:Heart, and I look forward to
hearing from your heart, very soon.
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:Outro: Thanks for listening.
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:For more information about our podcast
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:The Heart to subscribe and be notified
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:services that can help you create
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:See you next time.
