Episode #158 - Becoming Compassionate At Different Stages Of Life: An Interview With Edla Prevette

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Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 158 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Today we have Edla Prevette, and Edla is a

licensed clinical mental health counselor.

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For more than 30 years, she has counseled

children and adults of all ages and

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trained and consulted with parents,

teachers, and community volunteers.

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Currently, Edla is working with

adults sandwiched between their

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lives and their aging parents.

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She offers a group program called One

Eighty: When The Parental Roles Reverse,

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and one on one coaching to support

adults through this challenging time.

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Edla lives in North Carolina with

her husband and her cat, and she

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enjoys spending time with her family,

traveling, reading, and riding her bike.

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I have to say that this type of

topic, which we really dive into

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today, a lot of what is important for

planning for the future especially

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as we know that we're on a clock that

will eventually count down to zero.

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We have to make the use of the

life that we have on this earth.

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It should mean, though, that we should

stop and think about ways in which we

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can prepare for that future, whether

it's with the financial piece of it,

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the elder care, the wills, regardless

of what it is, obviously we're

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going to have a cognitive decline.

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I love that we really dive into the

fact that this is about not just aging,

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but why it's so important for us to be

more respectable to the people that we

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have surrounding us, even when we have

that kind of time left on this earth.

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We shouldn't be estranged, and we

shouldn't be thrown aside with the

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education that we can learn about

preparing for the things that will happen

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to us, and those that surround us, but

the way that we can respond so that we're

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heard and understood, especially as we

get older, is something that will build

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cooperation, especially if we put the bias

behind us of what it means to be an adult.

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I think that you're going to find that

this enlightening conversation with

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Edla really helps us to not only work

on ourselves, but it also helps us to

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understand that planning is okay, that

things that will happen in our lives

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are ultimately supposed to happen, but

if we can take care of ourselves, and

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have a plan for the future, not only

will it help us, but it will help those

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around us to be ready for anything.

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But with that, let's go to the episode.

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All right, we're here with Edla Prevette.

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Edla, thanks for sharing

your heart with us today.

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Edla: Thanks, Josh.

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I'm so happy to be here.

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Joshua: Yeah.

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I am so happy that we have you here,

because as I was even mentioning to

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you before we started, this is a really

important subject for me that we're going

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to cover today, and what you do as your

line of work is not only important for

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me, but I think for many of our listeners

as well, so Edla, I've already let

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people know about who you are and your

background, but I want to actually dig

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into, before we get into the specifics,

I want to know what got you into being

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a mental health counselor to begin

with, and doing that for three decades.

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I think that's pretty impressive

to be able to do that kind of work,

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and I wonder if you could start off

with sharing a little bit of your

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background when it comes to that.

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Edla: Sure.

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I actually started as a

middle school science teacher.

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I was a classroom teacher for a while,

and I think what got me into the mental

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health field was I was more concerned

about my middle school students' social

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and emotional well being, than I was about

them passing the state science exam, so I

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went back to school and got my degree, and

became a school counselor, so I worked as

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a school counselor for a number of years,

and then I got another job where I was

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doing some consulting work with parents

and teachers of children through the birth

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through kindergarten population, so I did

a lot of trainings and workshops around

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mental health issues and young children.

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Then I became a parent counselor for

helping parents whose children were

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struggling, and then before I left

the school system, I had started a

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private practice, where primarily,

I was seeing children, and then that

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evolved into seeing adults, which then

evolved into some of the work that

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I'm doing now with adult children of

aging parents, so that's the quick

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version of how that journey came along.

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Joshua: Does anything relating to your

parents relate to why you work with

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aging parents that your clients have, and

dealing with the sort of different types

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of issues or situations that they face?

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Do you have any background

as to relating to that?

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Edla: Yes.

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In fact, if I think about my entire

history as an adult, I would say

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that my parents have a lot of impact.

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My mother was a middle

school science teacher.

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I was a middle school science teacher.

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I was in therapy for a long time in my

30s around issues with my parents, and

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so then I sort of paid that forward by

helping my own private practice clients

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that struggle with some of the issues

that they had from their early years.

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Then, I was my parents caretaker for

over 10 years, so, then my clients, as

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they started getting older, their parents

were getting older, so I started working

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with them around all the things that I

had learned, not just professionally,

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but personally as a caretaker for

aging parents, or aging adults, it

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doesn't have to be their parent, but

that's primarily what I work with.

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Joshua: With being a counselor, I'm sure

you see a lot of different situations

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when it comes to that circumstance.

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Is there a common thread that you've seen,

especially since you have been a caretaker

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yourself for 10 years of your own life

with your parents, that your clients

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come to you and ask you for advice?

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Is there a particular type

of situation that you face?

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Edla: Yes.

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I think the common thread is that people

get on the Internet and they can find

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information about financial things: wills,

home placement, elder care options, but

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they can't find a lot about dealing with

the changes in their parents, so I would

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say hands down, the conversation is always

about, "My parents won't listen to me.

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My parents aren't making safe choices.

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My parents are acting like toddlers.

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My parents are acting like teenagers.",

some version of one of those things is

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every single person that comes to see

me, and that's not as much of a type

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of thing you can do a Google search on,

and get your answers to deal with; your

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parents as they're changing and aging.

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Joshua: That is interesting too,

because I hear that from some of my

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fellow friends and family that are

associated, or have connected, with

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those types of situations that you

described, because I hear about, "Oh!

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They are regressing

back to being a child."

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"Oh!

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They are regressing about being a

teenager, and also remembering things

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from back then that aren't even

applicable to today.", so are you

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really in essence talking about memory

loss that's a common denominator, or

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is it something much more than that?

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Edla: It's much more than that.

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I mean, there is cognitive decline and

aging, but it's not always dementia

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related, right, because that's one

of the things that I talk a lot about

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in all the work that I do is I teach

people about the stages of aging.

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What are the developmental

stages of aging?

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What is typical?

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People read about that if they have

children; what's typical for a 2 year old

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or a 4 year old, but they don't read about

that with their 80 year old parent, right,

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and so I think if I spend time talking a

lot about just the developmental stages

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so that you can discern is this a physical

thing where there may be something

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dementia related, or is this more a

characteristic of the aging process,

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because there is a cognitive decline, and

it's not just cognitive changes, but you

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have to look at sensory changes, speech

and language changes, like word recall

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becomes more challenging as people age.

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There's just lots of different things

that you see as their child is a change

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in their behavior where it might be

just part of the natural aging process,

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and once you know that that's sort

of quote unquote normal, and I think

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it's a little easier to be empathic

and understanding with your parent.

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Joshua: Well, you said that

there are stages that most times

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people going through with that.

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I'm wondering if you can walk

through with that with our

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listeners what those stages are.

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Edla: Well, it's not really stages

in that it's like adolescence

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or preteens, adolescence.

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It's not really the same as

that, but there are some trends.

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There's something that I read one

time, and I sort of like this.

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It's called the three stages are the go

go, the slow go and the no go, right, so-

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Joshua: That is the most unique

stages I have ever heard with

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anybody I've interviewed on this

show, so you get the cake with that.

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Edla: Well I can't, I got it from somebody

else and I thought, "Oh wow.", so it

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talks about- and this is talking sort

of about retirement and, a financial

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advisor probably heard of it, but when

people are 65, or let's just say, I

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don't use numbers very much, but just

for sake of this discussion, like at

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65, they're often in the go go stage.

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Their kids are launched.

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They've retired.

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They've got a little extra money in

their back pocket, so they're traveling.

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They're doing this, that, and the

other, and then there's the slow go

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phase, when they're just slowing down.

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They can still participate, but they

just don't have the same energy level,

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or the same cognitive level that they

did earlier, and then there's the no

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go stage, and that's pretty much when

they're not much out of the house.

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They might go to their church or

their kid's house, but they've really

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circled the wagons, and I'm speaking

in generalities, cause it's just like

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with anything, and I said I don't use

numbers very often, because you can

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line up, I don't know, ten 80 year olds,

and they look completely different.

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They manifest their age completely

different, so it's not an exact science,

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but that would be sort of the things

you would want to look at, but for me,

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it's not so much what they're doing.

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It's how they're aging, right, so I look

at- well, let's use something that's

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kind of obvious for your listeners.

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If someone has hearing loss as part of

the aging process, or either a disease or

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something, but if they have hearing loss,

that's going to impact their behavior.

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It makes it more difficult

to be in a social setting.

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It makes it more difficult

to follow a conversation.

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Depending on their temperament, they

may just get really quiet and withdraw,

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or, they might get irritable, and

yell at people, because, "I can't hear

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what you're saying.", so there's all

these levels of things that you have

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to consider, not just of the ages of

staging, but then you have to consider

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their temperament as well so that as

their adult child, or the person dealing

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with them, you have to have some skills

to adjust so that you're dealing with

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the different temperaments, but then the

different stages of aging simultaneously.

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Joshua: I can give you an example.

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Maybe we can talk about for a little bit,

because I think that it's interesting

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to hear you say there's different

skills that we have to learn, so I'll

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give you an example of my parents, and

sorry, parents, I'm going to put you

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on the spot, but I love you both, but

my dad can be very stubborn, and my

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dad has been very stubborn for all his

life to the point that nothing's really

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going to change essentially when it

comes to making progress, maybe even

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changing his behavior, while my mom,

on the other hand, she definitely has

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a lot of her faculties, although I

think that she's one of the "slow gos"

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now because of just some of the things

that she's experiencing in her life.

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Being that I'm a child, along with my half

sister who I have a relationship with too,

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what would you say to my half sister and

I relating to what kind of skills might

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be necessary, and if you need to ask more

information, I'd be more than happy to

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have that conversation with you, too.

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Edla: I feel sorry for your parents, Josh.

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Sorry, Josh.

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Joshua: Don't feel sorry.

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They love me and they love that

I'm doing this, so it's all good.

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Edla: Well, I don't think I

have any more questions, because

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literally, then we'd get into a

whole coaching session, but I think-

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Joshua: Ooo.

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Edla: That's another day, right, so-

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Joshua: That is another day.

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Edla: But I will say that the things

that you described about your mom and

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your dad, I have other clients that have

similar things, so when you have a parent

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that's, you use the word stubborn, I

would say the first thing that you want

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to do as their caretaker, or as their

child, is to try to flip the way that

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you describe it so that something more

positive than negative, so instead of

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saying stubborn, you might say something,

"He's determined.", "He's passionate.",

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"He's opinionated.", right, and I think

that has a real different feel on the

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way that the adult child would respond to

that person, because when you say, "He's

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so dead on stubborn!", that just is kind

of got an angry undertone or frustrated

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undertone, but if it's more like, " He's

opinionated, and he's got ideas about how

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he thinks things should go.", then it has

a little different feel to it, so I think

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flipping the negative labels that you give

to your aging parents would be helpful.

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The other thing is that these are adults.

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They have been independent all their

lives, and so their little whippersnapper

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son to come in and tell them what to do or

not to do- yeah, no, that's not going to

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happen, so then you have to approach it in

a way that they would be more cooperative.

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I'll use an example with my dad.

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He was set in his ways, let's just say,

and he had a way of doing things, and

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he was much older than probably your

father is now, but he stopped taking

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a bath, and if you read about ages of

development, that's a really common thing.

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They'll stop bathing,

and I didn't know this.

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I know a lot about it now,

but dad needed to take a bath.

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He'd been working outside, so what

I did was I put it back on him.

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"I wonder if you need to bathe since

you've been in the garden."; you

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know, just trying to put it back on

him, and then I gave him choices.

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Well, what actually happened, Josh,

is that I went up to their bathroom,

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and I looked in their bathroom

from a different point of view.

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My father did not feel safe taking

a shower anymore, but he was too

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proud to say, "I don't feel safe."

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we had rugs on the floor that would slip.

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We didn't have any bars.

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He had to step over into the tub.

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He had to take his glasses off, and

then that's where we're talking about

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the sensory pieces, so then it messed

with his depth perception, but he's

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not going to come down and say, "Edla!

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I'm scared to go take a bath.", so

then I approached him differently,

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right, instead of thinking he was

being so obstinate and stubborn.

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What were you saying about your mom?

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She's kind of entered

this "slow go" phase?

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Joshua: Yeah, she has all of her

faculties, and is able to have a good

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conversation, and be able to understand

everything, and what she needs to do,

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and also, takes care of herself, so yeah.

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Edla: Yeah, it just sort

of naturally happens.

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If you've been doing something for 30, 40,

50 years, you're just tired of doing it.

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You're more comfortable just being at

your house, or going to your local senior

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center, or just going to your grocery

store, and coming home, and just enjoying

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that, but I don't know that our society

really embraces that as a okay thing.

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If you're not go, go, going all the time,

then you're not being effective, but I

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think some of that just happens naturally.

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I can even say for myself, I'm a very

social person, but I can tell already

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that I don't have the big parties.

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I'm not going out.

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I'm not doing the same level of

social things that I did when I was

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in my twenties and thirties, right,

so I would say that's just a natural

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progression and that it's okay.

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Joshua: Well, you bring up something

that I sometimes hear about in the

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news, and I know that the news isn't

completely telling the whole story either.

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Surprise, surprise, but I also have heard

about the fact that many parents that need

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to be taken care of by their children,

so they become like caregivers, have

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almost a sense of resentment, or feel

like they being held back, if you will,

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because they aren't being able to do what

they really want to do in their lives.

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They're going home and taking care of

their parents instead, so have you worked

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with people like that, and if so, what

is maybe one piece of advice that you

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might be able to give to somebody that

might change that script, because I don't

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know if it's as simple as saying, "Be

positive.", as we talk about earlier.

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That could work in some

situations, but not all.

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Edla: And that's what I was going

to say that one piece of advice.

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Wow.

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It's so situational.

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One of my clients said to me one time,

and I don't remember exactly the exact

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way that she said it, but she didn't

want me to talk about her loved one.

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She doesn't feel like

they were her loved one.

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She had a terrible relationship with her

parents, and so her story, and the work

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that we had to do, was really different

than for a different client who loves and

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cares and wants to take care of this other

person I'm talking about was her mother.

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Her mother moved in with them, and

she didn't have any regret, or any

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resentment at all, so part of that

depends on the adult child's temperament.

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What are you set up for?

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Now, I'm not going to be naive and

say that this is not a one size fits

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all, because everybody's financial

circumstances are different.

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Their work circumstances are different,

so this is when it gets real nuanced, but

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I did not want my parents living with me.

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I have my own history with them, and I

was okay to be their care manager, but

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I wasn't interested in their hygiene.

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I didn't want to clean them, or bathe

them, or feed them, right, so I think

281

: 00:18:31

the one piece of advice, maybe that I

would give to an adult child is to look

282

: 00:18:36

inward and think, "What am I capable of?

283

: 00:18:39

What am I willing to do, and what am I

not willing to do?", and then you work

284

: 00:18:44

outward from there with a coach, or just

yourself, or your therapist, or whoever

285

: 00:18:49

is helping you, because you're right.

286

: 00:18:52

I mean, some people really resent it.

287

: 00:18:53

I have two siblings, and they were

of minimal help, but I did most of it.

288

: 00:19:00

Joshua: I know my half sister's probably

yelling at me right now, saying, "Yeah, I

289

: 00:19:04

also do all the things, Josh, so when are

you going to step in and do something?"

290

: 00:19:07

Edla: That's exactly right!

291

: 00:19:08

Joshua: I will go on record saying yes.

292

: 00:19:10

I know, and I will do better.

293

: 00:19:13

We actually have had candid conversations,

because distance is actually a big

294

: 00:19:16

factor, and my half sister lives a lot

closer than I do right now, currently,

295

: 00:19:21

so that makes a big difference.

296

: 00:19:22

Edla: It does, and that

was part of my story.

297

: 00:19:25

I lived very close to my parents, so

it was easier for me to help them than

298

: 00:19:29

it was for my siblings, and my career

was a little more flexible, but I think

299

: 00:19:34

you make a good point talking about

your sister is that sibling stuff.

300

: 00:19:38

There is a lot of challenges.

301

: 00:19:41

There's some siblings that just do great,

and then there's some siblings that they

302

: 00:19:47

fight the whole way through the process,

and there's really some that become

303

: 00:19:51

estranged through this process, and that's

part of my reason of wanting to do this.

304

: 00:19:55

I can make this easier for another

family just with education and insight.

305

: 00:20:01

I mean, gosh!

306

: 00:20:02

I feel like I have to do it, right,

to make it easier for someone else.

307

: 00:20:06

Joshua: I think that's why it's

so important in any circumstance.

308

: 00:20:09

That's why I do coaching myself, Edla,

because I feel that being able to see

309

: 00:20:14

that other side, be able to provide

that perspective for somebody, is all

310

: 00:20:18

that sometimes people need to be able

to move forward, but I also say too,

311

: 00:20:22

and I'm sure you say the same thing.

312

: 00:20:23

"I'm not going to do it for you.

313

: 00:20:24

You're going to have to take these

tools, and do them for yourself.

314

: 00:20:28

I can be here to be a level of support,

but not to be doing all that work,

315

: 00:20:32

because if I started doing that, that

means that I'm in for training your

316

: 00:20:35

family, and I don't want to do that."

317

: 00:20:37

I have that problem.

318

: 00:20:38

Edla: Right.

319

: 00:20:39

Yeah.

320

: 00:20:40

I get it.

321

: 00:20:41

Joshua: I want to talk about your coaching

business then as a result, because the

322

: 00:20:45

program, essentially, is 180, and it's

literally the number 180, because we

323

: 00:20:50

are flipping that perspective now where

it used to be the parent taking care of

324

: 00:20:54

us, but now we, the children, sometimes

maybe not have any children, but we

325

: 00:20:58

have somebody else that acts in that

role, we'll be providing that support

326

: 00:21:03

for a parent, or somebody else, so what

would you say is a typical client for

327

: 00:21:10

you that comes in and wants your help?

328

: 00:21:13

Meaning, do they look for more support

from you on an individual level?

329

: 00:21:17

I noticed that you do more group coaching

too, so I'm wondering how that operates

330

: 00:21:22

in that sort of atmosphere if you're

getting some of the family together and

331

: 00:21:26

to help with a group of individuals,

so I'm wondering if you could talk

332

: 00:21:29

a little bit about how that works.

333

: 00:21:30

Edla: Sure, so the group of

individuals are not family members.

334

: 00:21:34

That would be like, let's say 10

people that are adult children of aging

335

: 00:21:39

parents that are sandwiched, and so we

come together and there's an education

336

: 00:21:43

component that I teach, and then

there's like a Q&A, and it runs more

337

: 00:21:48

like group therapy, but it's coaching,

because we're not digging in to the

338

: 00:21:52

past, right, and it's more affordable

for people than one on one coaching.

339

: 00:21:56

Some people like that community of other

people that they get to know, so the

340

: 00:22:02

coaching though, for me as a licensed

therapist, I have to be really careful

341

: 00:22:07

that I keep my license- my therapy

business separate from my coaching

342

: 00:22:13

business, so in therapy, it's often how

the past, just a quick answer, how the

343

: 00:22:20

past is impacting your present, impacts

your future, right, so you're doing

344

: 00:22:24

a lot of historical stuff, looking at

your childhood and that sort of thing.

345

: 00:22:28

When people come in for coaching, we're

starting right now, and looking forward,

346

: 00:22:35

if that makes sense, so think of it

maybe more like psychoeducational, right?

347

: 00:22:39

Some of my therapy clients that I'm doing

work with them from their past they do

348

: 00:22:43

talk about their parents, because they're

mad at their parents, but they're having

349

: 00:22:45

to care for their parents, so they're

in a separate lane, but for my true

350

: 00:22:49

coaching clients, they're seeing changes

in their parents and they're like, "Oh!

351

: 00:22:54

I don't know what to do.", so they come

in, and I get all of the history about

352

: 00:22:58

their parents, what's going on, what's not

going on, what the relationship's like,

353

: 00:23:01

et cetera, et cetera, and then we set some

goals, and then I help them and advise

354

: 00:23:07

them, based on what you've told me about

your parent, this isn't going to work.

355

: 00:23:11

This might work in terms of

talking to them, or getting

356

: 00:23:13

them to be more cooperative.

357

: 00:23:16

I'm not a consultant.

358

: 00:23:17

There are senior advisor consultants

that will help people find services,

359

: 00:23:23

like living services, or Meals On

Wheels, those kinds of services.

360

: 00:23:28

I don't do that.

361

: 00:23:28

This is more the interpersonal, and the

personal interaction and relationship,

362

: 00:23:33

and how to navigate that so that when

your parents life comes to an end, you

363

: 00:23:39

feel a sense of gratitude, and that

you were able to be there to care for

364

: 00:23:45

them, because I can't tell you how many

times people have come in with grief

365

: 00:23:49

work, and they feel guilty because they

were relieved that their parents died,

366

: 00:23:54

because it had been so challenging the

last bit that they felt this sense.

367

: 00:23:58

They were like, "Thank God they're

dead.", and then they just feel so guilty

368

: 00:24:03

about it, so if you can work on your

relationship as it changes, and it has

369

: 00:24:07

to, like, flip, as you say, then that

process just goes easier and it's more

370

: 00:24:13

respectful and it's more connected,

and I think it's really helpful.

371

: 00:24:18

Joshua: When you are connecting people

to maybe have a better time dealing

372

: 00:24:23

with relationships, and building that

ability because of the changes that

373

: 00:24:27

are happening, what is a piece of

advice that you would give to somebody

374

: 00:24:31

that might be struggling with coping

with that different change in role?

375

: 00:24:36

Is there something universal that

maybe you can share, regardless of the

376

: 00:24:39

circumstances, with our listeners to

be able to help them cope with that?

377

: 00:24:43

Edla: Now, are you talking

about someone talking to their

378

: 00:24:47

aging parent, or their own self?

379

: 00:24:49

Joshua: Either way, whatever

way you want to take it.

380

: 00:24:51

Edla: Let me start with probably the

thing that I talk about the most, so

381

: 00:24:55

if you are talking to your parents, or

anyone is talking to their parents,

382

: 00:25:00

and you're trying to get them to make

a different decision, or ,to make a

383

: 00:25:03

different choice, or you see them doing

something that you don't think is safe

384

: 00:25:08

and you go in there and you're like, "Mom!

385

: 00:25:11

You need to quit doing ABC.",

whatever; pick a thing, and

386

: 00:25:16

she looks at you like, "Uh, no!

387

: 00:25:18

Don't tell me what to do."

388

: 00:25:20

or, I'll use my mother, for example.

389

: 00:25:21

She was a pretty anxious person and she

would call me all the time, and she was

390

: 00:25:25

a big worrier about things, because she

just had lost so much control, right?

391

: 00:25:30

The thing that works is to respond

to them in such a way that you are

392

: 00:25:37

making them feel heard and understood.

393

: 00:25:41

You don't have to agree with them, but

if they approach you about something, or

394

: 00:25:46

they do something, and you engage them

in such a way that makes them feel heard

395

: 00:25:52

and understood, then you have a better

chance of problem solving with them.

396

: 00:25:57

You have a better chance of them being

cooperative, so when mom would call and

397

: 00:26:01

she'd be like, "I've run out of money.

398

: 00:26:03

I don't have any more

money in my bank account.

399

: 00:26:06

Where's all my money?",

that kind of thing.

400

: 00:26:08

Then I would say, "Wow, mom!

401

: 00:26:09

It sounds like you're really

worried that your money's missing,

402

: 00:26:12

and you're not sure where it is."

403

: 00:26:15

I could have said, "Mom!

404

: 00:26:16

Your money's in the bank.

405

: 00:26:17

You don't need to worry about it.",

but that's not hearing the worry, so

406

: 00:26:21

I would say, and that's not a great

example, but I think you get the idea.

407

: 00:26:25

" It sounds like you're really worried,

and confused, about where your

408

: 00:26:28

money is, and it's making you really

um scared and nervous.", and then

409

: 00:26:32

that would sort of calm her down.

410

: 00:26:34

They're like, "Oh!

411

: 00:26:34

Okay.

412

: 00:26:35

Well, let me call the bank.", or, "I'll

come pick you up and we can go to the

413

: 00:26:39

bank.", or whatever I would tell her,

then she would be more likely to be

414

: 00:26:42

cooperative, so if you go to your parent's

house, this is one that happens a lot.

415

: 00:26:47

People show up to their parent's

house and there's all this expired

416

: 00:26:50

food in the refrigerator, and

the adult child goes in, "Mom!

417

: 00:26:54

This has been in here for two years.

418

: 00:26:57

Why do you still got this in here?",

that will put the parent on the defense,

419

: 00:27:03

right, because it's insulting them.

420

: 00:27:04

They're embarrassed, but if you

start with something like, "Wow, mom.

421

: 00:27:08

Your refrigerator is pretty full.

422

: 00:27:10

I wonder if we should spend the next

little bit of time cleaning it out.",

423

: 00:27:14

or, "When did you get this potato salad?

424

: 00:27:16

Where did you get it?",

and then you go, "Oh gosh!

425

: 00:27:18

I see.

426

: 00:27:19

The expiration was two months ago.

427

: 00:27:20

Maybe we should throw that out."

428

: 00:27:22

You see, they may be more cooperative

than you just going, "Mom!

429

: 00:27:24

Why have you got all this

old potato salad in here?"

430

: 00:27:26

That kind of thing.

431

: 00:27:29

Joshua: That makes so much more sense,

and even in coaching, I feel that

432

: 00:27:33

what you said about being heard, being

understood is even universal to young

433

: 00:27:39

adults, and even people my age, which-

434

: 00:27:42

Edla: Everyone!

435

: 00:27:42

Joshua: You can tell.

436

: 00:27:43

Yeah.

437

: 00:27:44

Yeah.

438

: 00:27:45

Everyone needs to be-

439

: 00:27:46

Edla: Even little kids; little three or

four year olds and their tantrum about

440

: 00:27:49

something, because you won't let them

have ice cream or whatever, you go, "You

441

: 00:27:52

were really sad, and really mad that

I won't let you have any ice cream."

442

: 00:27:56

That doesn't mean you're going

to give them ice cream, but

443

: 00:27:58

you can be empathic with them.

444

: 00:28:00

Same with the coaching client.

445

: 00:28:01

I would absolutely, like for you,

if they're trying to go through

446

: 00:28:04

career changes and you just start

going, "Well, you need to do this and

447

: 00:28:07

this and this and this and this.",

but if you started with, "Wow!

448

: 00:28:10

I can tell you're really overwhelmed

with the options and the choices."

449

: 00:28:13

I mean, people feel heard.

450

: 00:28:16

It's great.

451

: 00:28:16

Joshua: For the record, I don't do that.

452

: 00:28:18

I don't say, "You need to do this, this,

this, and this.", but I have to say

453

: 00:28:21

that, just in case people are listening

first time and they think that, "Oh.

454

: 00:28:24

You're that type of person?"

455

: 00:28:26

Edla: No, no!

456

: 00:28:26

Joshua: Don't be sorry.

457

: 00:28:27

I think it's just really important

to set the record straight that there

458

: 00:28:30

are ways in which you have to go about

it, and I've had this conversation

459

: 00:28:34

with numerous others on the show too.

460

: 00:28:36

Edla: But we don't do it sometimes

with our parents, because sometimes

461

: 00:28:39

we're acting like a child ourself.

462

: 00:28:41

You might go in as a 40 year old,

but you're acting like a 10 year

463

: 00:28:46

old, so you kind of revert back

to some of those interactions that

464

: 00:28:50

you had when you were a child with

your parents, and so you have to.

465

: 00:28:53

I guess a piece of advice that I

would think for us as the individual

466

: 00:28:58

that's talking to our parents is

that we've got to really look deep

467

: 00:29:01

inside and say, "I'm an adult.

468

: 00:29:03

I need to act like an adult.

469

: 00:29:04

What would I say to people at work?

470

: 00:29:06

What would I do with the people that

are in my peer group?", and kind of

471

: 00:29:10

get in that mindset of you've got to

be the adult, which can be hard to

472

: 00:29:14

do when you're engaging your parents.

473

: 00:29:16

Joshua: Edla, we're almost at the end

of our time, but I want to ask you

474

: 00:29:19

this one last question, because this

conversation has been full of information.

475

: 00:29:24

Edla: We'll do part two.

476

: 00:29:24

Joshua: We could.

477

: 00:29:25

Yeah!

478

: 00:29:26

We could easily do a part two,

but I want to wrap it up for today

479

: 00:29:29

and ask you this kind of question.

480

: 00:29:32

You've been doing some sort of counseling,

or coaching, for now, about 30 plus years.

481

: 00:29:38

Edla: Right.

482

: 00:29:39

Joshua: What has been the most rewarding

thing about your career personally,

483

: 00:29:42

and it doesn't have to be a specific

example or anything, you can just talk

484

: 00:29:45

in general about it, but what would you

say is that one thing- and I know I'm

485

: 00:29:48

putting you on the spot- there's one

thing that would summarize your whole

486

: 00:29:51

entire career that would help you,

and maybe help other people understand

487

: 00:29:56

why you love doing what you're doing,

if you could share that with us.

488

: 00:30:00

Edla: You know, I'm a

helping professional.

489

: 00:30:01

Everything that I've done has been helping

other people, and oftentimes I don't know

490

: 00:30:06

what the outcome is, or the impact that

the work that people have done with me

491

: 00:30:11

has had on their life, but I can think

about four or five times where people

492

: 00:30:16

have circled back to me, and have just

said, whatever the interaction was what

493

: 00:30:21

you taught me, or how you engaged me, or

how you helped me with my kids, was so

494

: 00:30:27

helpful, that just propels it forward for

me, and so I continue to do that kind of

495

: 00:30:33

thing, knowing that I put my best foot

forward and I always try to help people

496

: 00:30:39

and I always have their best interest at

heart, and so I would say the majority

497

: 00:30:45

of the time that I'm able to help people

feel better in their circumstances,

498

: 00:30:49

and so that's why I keep doing it.

499

: 00:30:52

Joshua: I love that you keep doing it.

500

: 00:30:53

I love that you're helping in this

very important niche that you're doing.

501

: 00:30:58

It's such an important piece of

it, especially as we have an aging

502

: 00:31:01

population, not just in the United

States, but across the world, and being

503

: 00:31:05

able to understand how to address some

of these concerns today, I think you

504

: 00:31:10

gave some valuable insight, but Edla, I

want to give you the last few minutes.

505

: 00:31:14

How can people reach out to you

if they're actually interested

506

: 00:31:17

in maybe engaging you in coaching

one on one, or a group setting?

507

: 00:31:20

How can they get in contact with you?

508

: 00:31:22

What are some best ways in which

they could even follow you, for that

509

: 00:31:26

matter, if they have any other types

of questions, but I'm going to give you

510

: 00:31:28

the last few minutes to pitch yourself.

511

: 00:31:31

Edla: Okay.

512

: 00:31:31

Thank you.

513

: 00:31:32

I would say the first thing I would

encourage your listeners to do is to

514

: 00:31:37

go to my website, and I have a workbook

called the 180 Bookend Technique.

515

: 00:31:41

It is a downloadable three step

technique that gives examples and

516

: 00:31:46

scripts that you can use immediately

to increase cooperation and

517

: 00:31:50

reduce conflicts for your parents.

518

: 00:31:51

It's all over my website,

which is edlapravette.com.

519

: 00:31:56

The other thing I would say, the

website also has all of my coaching

520

: 00:32:01

and my group programs that I

offer, so that's all inclusive.

521

: 00:32:06

Your listeners can follow me

on Facebook at OneEighty, and

522

: 00:32:10

that's a word, not a number.

523

: 00:32:12

OneEighty with Edla Prevett,

and I'm also on Instagram at

524

: 00:32:16

OneEighty_EdlaPravette, so there you go.

525

: 00:32:20

Joshua: Awesome, Edla.

526

: 00:32:21

Thanks so much for sharing all of that

with us today, and again, if anybody is

527

: 00:32:26

interested in reaching out, I'll put all

that in the episode notes, but this is

528

: 00:32:31

really not just an important subject,

but I think it's just something that an

529

: 00:32:34

overall scheme of things we need to pay

attention to is how we frame things, how

530

: 00:32:39

we say things, especially to even our

aging parents, because they are still

531

: 00:32:43

people, they're still human beings.

532

: 00:32:45

We don't have to treat them as a burden,

or a second class citizen, or whatever.

533

: 00:32:50

We can all treat them equally, so for

all those reasons, Edla, thanks for

534

: 00:32:55

being on Speaking From The Heart today.

535

: 00:32:56

I really appreciate our conversation.

536

: 00:32:58

Edla: Sure.

537

: 00:32:58

Thanks for having me, Josh.

538

: 00:33:00

Take care.

539

: 00:33:01

Joshua: I want to thank Edla again

so much for spending her time talking

540

: 00:33:05

about these variety of different

techniques, all these different types

541

: 00:33:08

of considerations that we should have,

especially when it comes to planning.

542

: 00:33:12

Her level of experience, her care for

others, certainly shows in today's

543

: 00:33:17

episode, and I think that even for us,

we know of somebody that has gone through

544

: 00:33:22

these types of struggles, has really

overcome a lot of different pain points,

545

: 00:33:26

and has thrown us into a variety of

different tailspins when it comes to not

546

: 00:33:31

only health concerns, financial concerns,

estate planning, all the different types

547

: 00:33:36

of decisions that had to be made by an

executor, all those things can really take

548

: 00:33:41

a toll on our mental health especially,

and I think that it all leads to the fact

549

: 00:33:46

that we have a certain level of ability.

550

: 00:33:48

We have to be able to really branch

out and to share those skills

551

: 00:33:52

in a variety of different ways.

552

: 00:33:53

That's what I do for my business, Your

Speaking Voice, LLC, and Edla does it,

553

: 00:33:58

obviously, for the trainings and workshops

that she tries to develop so that she can

554

: 00:34:02

help others create those opportunities,

but even with all that said, each of us

555

: 00:34:07

have a different mindset, a different

framework that we're coming from.

556

: 00:34:11

Not every single situation is unique.

557

: 00:34:15

We might have some of the things that

were talked about today be on the table

558

: 00:34:19

when it comes to planning out that master

plan when it comes to even the people that

559

: 00:34:24

need to have that extra level of support,

but we have to be able to understand that

560

: 00:34:29

there are developmental stages of aging.

561

: 00:34:32

We have to understand and respect the

fact that as people get older, they

562

: 00:34:36

don't have the same level of patience.

563

: 00:34:38

They don't have the same faculties

that they once did when they

564

: 00:34:41

were kids, or even as adults.

565

: 00:34:44

Those types of decisions are at

their epiphany when it comes at

566

: 00:34:48

the time of their lives when they

really have everything established.

567

: 00:34:52

Those are the things that

they are really growing into.

568

: 00:34:55

They have consistently built a pattern,

and cognitively, that's what they feel

569

: 00:35:00

comfortable with, but you have to also

pay attention to the facial expressions,

570

: 00:35:05

the communication styles that they have,

and whether they are being normal or

571

: 00:35:10

not normal, whether they're go go, slow

go, or no go, those are all tall tale

572

: 00:35:15

signs of these types of phenomenons,

and I think that is really important,

573

: 00:35:19

especially with the context of what

I do for a living, public speaking

574

: 00:35:23

coaching primarily, that helps people

to understand how you identify with your

575

: 00:35:27

audience, how do you get to that next

step, but even more importantly, how

576

: 00:35:31

you're able to adjust when you have those

things going on in your life, that you

577

: 00:35:36

have going on in your audience, so that

you're better prepared to handle any

578

: 00:35:41

sort of objections that they might have.

579

: 00:35:44

This isn't all about ageism.

580

: 00:35:46

It isn't all about what they might be

going through as they're getting older.

581

: 00:35:50

These types of skills, these things

that they have, they were once very

582

: 00:35:55

good at, but now they have flipped,

and now the things that need to be

583

: 00:35:58

done are relying on you to take the

mantle and keep charging forward.

584

: 00:36:04

Also, it's really about the opportunity

for us to respond in a lot of

585

: 00:36:09

different things, a lot of different

ways, in order for us to have areas

586

: 00:36:12

that are needed to be developed.

587

: 00:36:15

Being an adult, being able to learn that

even as a kid, we have to understand the

588

: 00:36:20

functions and choices that it means to

be able to make that decision happen.

589

: 00:36:25

We learn those at a younger age,

but even as we get older, those

590

: 00:36:29

modalities, the ways in which we

used to think about them, are warped.

591

: 00:36:33

They're figured out in a completely

different way, which is why we have to

592

: 00:36:37

understand that when we have these types

of conversations with people, especially

593

: 00:36:41

as they get older, they might not

have the same understanding as before.

594

: 00:36:46

In other words, we have to appreciate

the other person's perspective.

595

: 00:36:51

Not everyone's going to feel fully

capable or connected to have somebody

596

: 00:36:56

else, or someone else, on their side.

597

: 00:37:00

What am I willing, or not willing to

do, in order to fix the things that are

598

: 00:37:04

happening around us, and I think that

it's really important to understand

599

: 00:37:07

with Edla's conversation today that

we can't be estranged with this.

600

: 00:37:12

We have to be able to get educated,

and that's where the importance of

601

: 00:37:16

community, having a support system

that help you to understand and feel

602

: 00:37:20

comfortable about these types of

life situations, can go a long way.

603

: 00:37:25

I know that for many parts of my family

as they've gotten older, it's been

604

: 00:37:29

really helpful to engage, understand,

and create a context, an understanding,

605

: 00:37:34

of what it means to go through

these different late stages of life.

606

: 00:37:38

Even as I've gotten older, this

understanding has helped me tremendously

607

: 00:37:44

so I'm not impatient, I know what

to fully expect, but ultimately,

608

: 00:37:49

that community that has gone through

it has a level of engagement.

609

: 00:37:53

They have a level of understanding.

610

: 00:37:55

They have knowledge that

they can impart onto me.

611

: 00:37:58

Does this sound familiar?

612

: 00:38:00

Yes, because in many episodes, I've

advocated for you, my listeners, to

613

: 00:38:06

pay attention to your surroundings.

614

: 00:38:08

Use the skills that you have.

615

: 00:38:10

Try to navigate through all the

different types of things that

616

: 00:38:12

are happening around you so that

you can grow that better mindset.

617

: 00:38:17

You have that community

that will support you.

618

: 00:38:20

That basic understanding is essentially

being applied to what our conversation

619

: 00:38:25

is today, which is really helping others

to overcome some of the challenges

620

: 00:38:30

that they might have in their life.

621

: 00:38:32

How the past affects the present, and

how it enters into the future, can make

622

: 00:38:36

such a big difference when it comes to

this conversation, because it allows

623

: 00:38:40

you to navigate resources that were once

there, might no longer be there, but

624

: 00:38:46

it allows you to keep moving forward.

625

: 00:38:48

It allows you to understand what is

available to you today that might have

626

: 00:38:52

otherwise not been available before,

but you have to learn that you must

627

: 00:38:57

be responding to those people that are

asking for help, and might need a little

628

: 00:39:02

bit more patience and grace through the

process, to be heard and to be understood.

629

: 00:39:10

You have to be cooperative.

630

: 00:39:11

You have to put the bias that is

about these older people behind you.

631

: 00:39:16

I know they can be very frustrating,

especially for the younger people.

632

: 00:39:19

They don't want to deal with it.

633

: 00:39:20

They want quick, quick, quick, especially

in today's society, that is the way

634

: 00:39:25

that it's supposed to go, but how

we can help them can make such a big

635

: 00:39:29

difference in the ways and the forms

of how we can engage with each other.

636

: 00:39:34

How we can make that big difference in the

grand scheme of things means that we have

637

: 00:39:39

to put aside that unconscious bias, which,

in some episodes, we have covered this

638

: 00:39:45

concept, because sometimes we have these

presuppositions of what we think, what we

639

: 00:39:51

have going on, and we have to understand

that for some people, the challenge is

640

: 00:39:56

going to be very tough, they might need

to be overcome, and, let's face it, they

641

: 00:40:02

might not be very pretty to deal with.

642

: 00:40:06

My story when it comes to dealing

with older people has been

643

: 00:40:09

always a place of compassion.

644

: 00:40:12

I worked at a factory in Boyertown,

Pennsylvania when I was in college,

645

: 00:40:16

manufacturing pharmaceutical bottles.

646

: 00:40:19

As part of that process, my job was a

packager inspector, making sure that

647

: 00:40:23

the bottles were quality controlled,

packaging them up based on the customer's

648

: 00:40:27

order, throwing them onto the conveyor

belt, and making sure that I kept my

649

: 00:40:32

space tidy, but around that time, I

also was surrounded by many women.

650

: 00:40:37

The women on that floor were

the most engaging, nice people

651

: 00:40:40

that I've ever had in my life,

at one particular point of time.

652

: 00:40:45

These women, ranging from the ages of

their early 30s, all the way to the

653

: 00:40:49

late 60s, all had different viewpoints

about life, and they would tell me, even

654

: 00:40:54

as a young college student, "Joshua!

655

: 00:40:57

Make sure that you pay attention

to both sides of the road before

656

: 00:41:00

you cross, because those cars

are flying down the street."

657

: 00:41:04

well, maybe not something like

that, but they were very cautious.

658

: 00:41:08

They were very protective of me, and

I never really quite understood why.

659

: 00:41:13

Of course, I had my theories.

660

: 00:41:15

They have their own kids.

661

: 00:41:16

They have their own grandparents.

662

: 00:41:18

They have their own types of individuals

in their lives that have surrounded

663

: 00:41:22

them, and supported them, when the going

gets tough, and as they've gotten older,

664

: 00:41:27

they have received the same in return.

665

: 00:41:30

Sometimes I wonder if even in today's

society, even some of the things

666

: 00:41:34

that Edla and I have talked about

today are even being practiced.

667

: 00:41:38

The mental health crisis in itself, which

has been a hot topic for many of these

668

: 00:41:42

episodes, and really the basis of why

I started Speaking From The Heart, is

669

: 00:41:47

understanding why mental health is so

important, and trying to overcome the

670

: 00:41:52

problems that we have in society, but with

the variety of different things that go

671

: 00:41:57

on in life, I'm starting to understand why

that young college boy that was on that

672

: 00:42:02

manufacturing floor was being protected

and why he was ensured that he would be

673

: 00:42:08

successful, because in the various stages

of development, we might go from go go,

674

: 00:42:13

slow go, no go, all the way to where we

have a place at the seat at the table to

675

: 00:42:21

feel like we're being heard and respected.

676

: 00:42:24

You see, our roles in life change.

677

: 00:42:27

Regardless of what you might feel

about it, it is going to change.

678

: 00:42:31

It's the inevitable part of life that, for

most people, they feel uncomfortable with.

679

: 00:42:37

They want to feel engaged.

680

: 00:42:38

They want to be part of a process.

681

: 00:42:40

They want to grow with you.

682

: 00:42:42

They want to be respected.

683

: 00:42:44

What it means to be an adult over

a child is one of the most special

684

: 00:42:48

moments for many parent's life.

685

: 00:42:50

I can understand.

686

: 00:42:51

I have friends that have kids, but to

feel fully connected with somebody,

687

: 00:42:56

to feel like you actually taking care

of them, means that you are living

688

: 00:43:00

a life that is worth living for.

689

: 00:43:03

You don't feel like you're being pushed to

the side, and as you get older, you feel

690

: 00:43:08

that way, or does it have to be that way?

691

: 00:43:13

Navigate what you have

around you today, my friends.

692

: 00:43:17

Listen to what kinds of advice are

around you, and also pay attention to

693

: 00:43:20

what might be coming down the road,

because if you have a plan, if you're

694

: 00:43:25

willing to help other people out,

they might scratch your back as well.

695

: 00:43:29

This is really all in for us to be able

to understand and create the different

696

: 00:43:34

contexts of our life so that we're ready

for each stage of them, but how we can

697

: 00:43:40

help others makes the biggest difference,

even as what Edla has said at the very

698

: 00:43:45

end, and I think that even at the very

end, you're going to remember all the

699

: 00:43:50

different people, places, and things

that you've been able to accomplish, but

700

: 00:43:54

more importantly, you might have that

glimmer that somebody else took care of

701

: 00:43:58

you to make sure that you were comfortable

,before the end of life happened.

702

: 00:44:03

But even if you're listening to

this now, and you might have many

703

: 00:44:06

more years yet to go, don't be

feeling like it's doom and gloom.

704

: 00:44:11

I know it's the month of October,

and I know that it's Halloween

705

: 00:44:14

season that is upon us, but yet,

at the same time, it doesn't mean

706

: 00:44:19

that we can't start planning today.

707

: 00:44:22

If you're willing to work on a plan, if

you're willing to challenge yourself,

708

: 00:44:26

being able to learn and educate in a

variety of different ways so that you're

709

: 00:44:30

prepared for each stage, I think that

plan is really what's worthwhile, and if

710

: 00:44:36

you're helping others, like I've always

said, I'm glad for it, but if you're not,

711

: 00:44:42

just know that now is the time to start,

and if you can give those skills a flip,

712

: 00:44:48

and you can help others going from go go

to no go, and making them feel a little

713

: 00:44:54

bit more comfortable, I think you're

going to be even more connected with

714

: 00:44:58

them than you could have ever imagined,

and maybe, you might learn something

715

: 00:45:03

about yourself and them along the way.

716

: 00:45:08

Thanks for listening to episode

number 158 of Speaking From the

717

: 00:45:12

Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

718

: 00:45:17

Outro: Thanks for listening.

719

: 00:45:18

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

720

: 00:45:22

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

721

: 00:45:27

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

722

: 00:45:34

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

723

: 00:45:38

See you next time.