Episode #159 - Hear Me Out for A Few Moments

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Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 159 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Now, now, now.

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Don't click on that

stop button and move on.

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Hear me out for a few moments.

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I want you to desperately hear what I have

to say, because sometimes the things that

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I have on my mind don't always come out

until I have the full thought coming to

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my mind, visualizing what it looks like

what I want to say, processing it to make

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sure that you are accepting of what I

have to say, and then finally saying it.

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Have you ever been in situations

like that, where the thoughts, what

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you want to say, all the words,

you are about ready to say it, but

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then they just instantly disappear?

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Today's episode is focusing on not only

some tips that might help you to get over

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that sort of situation, but to also reel

back in the importance of making sure

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that you have that important message that

you have to say actually is being said.

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I think in the communication world

especially, we have to figure

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out what are ways in which we can

effectively deliver a message.

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I have been a big advocate, even for

myself, of sharing stories, being able

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to tell why this concept, why this

important step in the cog of the bigger

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overall picture, is so important for us

to create this context, this vision if

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you will, of what it means to grow, to

sustain ourselves, to see what is truly

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valuable in the bigger grand scheme of

what we ultimately want to have, but

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yet, even when it comes to conversations,

verbal dialogue, it means that we have

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to understand why we're making that

response to someone, whether it's in

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email, whether that is in some sort of

text, whether it's in some kind of other

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things that we're doing as a whole, so

that we can be able to be effective.

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Sometimes the best medium of how we

communicate can also play a role in

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hearing out what we have to say, but

when we see those three dots on our

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iPhones, or in Teams, or in any other

type of platform, when someone's trying

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to type out a message, you often have

to ask yourself, and the thoughts start

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racing in, of, "Why are you typing and

taking so long to type that message?"

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"What are you going to say that

will ultimately impact me?"

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"What are the things that are ultimately

going to be said that will change

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the dialogue, or even the tone if you

will, of this overall conversation?"

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I think one of the first things that we

need to focus on when we talk about this

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is not having that kind of expectation.

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The expectation doesn't fall on you.

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It falls on the other person

that is delivering the message.

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Maybe you are the one that

is delivering the message, so

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that will also apply to you.

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The biggest key, though, is that

if you're the receiver of it, you

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have the ability to dictate how

the ultimate response will occur.

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I know for me, I overthink, I overanalyze

because of my autism, and sometimes

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I have to overcompensate by giving

myself the grace of saying, "It's okay

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to say what is right on my mind.", but

oftentimes, that's not always the case.

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I don't want to say things that are

really impactful, that are negative

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in nature, because if it slips

through my mind, it slips through

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my lips and fingers by accident,

I can't easily take it away again.

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It's out there.

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It means that somebody's going to

process it in a way that maybe has

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some ill intended consequences, so

one of the biggest things you have

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to learn is that when that message is

being received, give it a few moments.

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Think about what you actually

want to say so that it's actually

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received in the way, in the manner,

in which it's supposed to be.

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I know that's easier said than done,

especially in some passion, in a fit

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of rage, maybe you're disappointed with

someone and how their performance is, and

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we've talked about in previous episodes

of ways in which you can overcome that

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performance review conversation, and being

more in charge of what it is that you want

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to have come out of that conversation,

whether you are the employee, or if

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you are the boss delivering that, which

I highly encourage you to check out

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because it ties into some of the things

I even have to mention here today.

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It means that we actually have to take

our composure, we fit it into what we

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are actually hearing, or what we're

expecting to be said to us if we're

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preparing for it, and being able to

extremely challenge ourselves to overcome

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what are some of the messages that are

often heard, so take that step back.

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That's my first tip.

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The second thing is, think about what

you actually want to have, not only

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as the messaging, but what is it going

to say to your audience as a whole

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indirectly, especially when it comes

to the nonverbal cues that you present.

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Now in texting, you can present

nonverbal cues by simply

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using the emojis; using a GIF.

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Those types of imagery, especially in the

21st century, and for many types of Gen

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Zers that are involved with this process,

easily use that as a way of connecting,

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a way in which we can also understand

the thoughts, feelings, emotions of the

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recipient of that message to soften the

blow, or maybe even reinforce the blow,

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of what that message ultimately delivers.

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When we actually think about how we

can keep our composure, how we can

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have that challenging conversation with

each other, it means that we have to

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understand, from a visual context, and

a perceptual context, what it means

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nonverbally what we're trying to say.

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I know that for many of us being able to

talk in that kind of language is foreign.

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It's something that even for some of my

Gen Xers, even my Boomers that might be

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listening to this, might have never had

to deal with before, but when you think

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about the bigger picture, the bigger

context of what nonverbal messaging,

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especially like images and emojis, can do,

it helps us to set a context, a direction

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in which we want our recipient to feel.

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It doesn't necessarily mean that you have

to deliver a message with those in mind.

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Maybe the message has to be professional.

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Maybe it has to be serious.

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Keeping the text straight to the point,

not drifting off from other directions,

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means that we have to learn and understand

that our conversations with each other,

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the conversations that we need to grow

in, have to come from a position of

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feeling like we're okay to share these

things, that safety zone, which I've

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talked about in Crucial Conversations

in earlier episodes of this podcast, but

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when the words and the things slip our

fingers, and especially the things that

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we really want to get off our chest,

is there any recourse to reel it back,

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maybe reframe it in a different way?

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My answer is, it depends.

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For many of us, we might

only have one shot.

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For my sales executives and for other

people, we have to abide by code of

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laws and ethics and other things when it

comes to delivering a sale, and sometimes

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the ethics of it are loosely followed

because depending on who you're talking

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to, they might not be professionally

trained, they might not even understand

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what are some of the cultural, societal

perspectives that need to be followed.

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Sometimes that is where ethical concerns

stem from, for the most part, but even

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for legal compliance purposes, even with

some things like procurement of goods and

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services, it means that you have to learn

how to frame that messaging, perfecting it

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right away in the very beginning, because

you might not have another shot in the

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future, so taking that time to understand

who you're talking to, whether it is the

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customer, whether that is a potential

relationship that you're building, whether

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it is somebody that is close to you, each

of those types of scenarios will have

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a different outcome, and it means that

when you hear somebody out for what they

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have to say every time that you start

to formulate that kind of response, you

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have to think about what the ultimate

goal is and pivot on that as well.

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As you know, I've been an avid Toastmaster

for over thirteen years, and that 13

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years of experience has allowed me to

grow in so many different ways, so many

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different opportunities in which it

has expanded my comfort zone, not only

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in delivering impromptu messaging, but

taking any type of topic, and turning

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it into your own, is something that is

really important, especially when we

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have this type of engagement; this type

of conversation that we're having today.

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If we're able to really work on ourselves

to ensure that we have the best composure,

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to ensure that we can get over extremely

challenging situations, it means that

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we have to put ourselves in a mindset of

knowing what will we say when that answer

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that we're expecting from them comes up.

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We can play out all kinds of

different scenarios, but you have to

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also come from a place that is not

only positive in nature, but also

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what the end goal is, and working

towards what you can and cannot do.

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In the business world, that

means you might be the liaison.

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You might even be the owner making

those types of decisions, and you

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have to understand when it's okay and

acceptable to say it in front of a

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group of people, or when it needs to

be discussed in more meetings, or even

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more conversations through written

messaging, but even then, for my people

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that are in the workforce, they are

reporting to a supervisor or manager.

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You have to gauge when that messaging

is okay, and when it might not be okay.

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You have to learn that sometimes

some things might be acceptable, and

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sometimes not acceptable, so finding

that right balance can be very tough,

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and if you don't feel aligned with what

they have to say, explain what your

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concerns are, and have a game plan.

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Maybe, just maybe, they might align with

you, and want to work with you on what you

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have on your mind, and I mean to coerce

them, which I strongly encourage not

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to do, because coercing is the ultimate

"no-no", even when all things considered,

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if you can try to meet some type of back

and forth where you can have that decision

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already made in the first place that

you can walk into, that would be a great

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thing, but even if somebody is struggling

to say what they have to say, you, as

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the recipient, can encourage them, accept

them for what they have on their mind.

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It means that you have to

create a culture of acceptance.

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You have to create that relationship

of trust, and for some people,

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that can be very hard to do.

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I know for me personally, it's been

very hard to create those kinds

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of relationships, because it means

that I have to open up a side of

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myself that I normally don't open.

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It means that I have to reflect on

what it is that I'm trying to achieve

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ultimately, but also know that

some people are not two faced, or

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very mean about what I have to say.

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Usually in my catastrophizing, which is

essentially the art of already setting

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yourself up for failure through a

variety of different things that might

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be from past perspectives, or other

evaluations or resources that you have

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received that indicate otherwise, you

have to learn to not do that, and learn

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how to trust yourself, to create that

perspective in which it allows you to

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learn, and how to grow, in a variety of

ways that sometimes you can verbalize to

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somebody else,, especially if you know

that you can trust them, no matter what.

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Some of my own problems have included

not only what I thought of my bosses,

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and what they thought of me, in terms

of what my perception of it was, but

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also about all the things that we can

effectively change, because I felt

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like I had no voice to change it.

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I felt like I had nothing to give.

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That's what led, ultimately, to

a lot of the problems that I'm

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still even struggling with to

this day, but continuously work

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on, because it's not perfect.

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It means that we have to be able to

be flexible in the changes in the

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direction that we're leading into.

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The important things that we

have to learn, even when it means

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sharing what is on our heart and

sharing those perspectives, means

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that we have to give people grace.

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We are all human, and by the end of this

episode, I hope that you acknowledge

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that you're human to be able to share

your story, even if it is something that

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might be a little bit hard to share in

the first place, because the best way

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to make sure that you're creating that

context for others is by accepting for

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yourself that you have to give value.

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That value is what creates the

foundation for all the things that

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we're even talking about today.

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It's okay if this goes wrong, I

know that I can do better next time.

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It's all about continuous

improvement and process refinement.

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I wasn't the best person when I stood

up in front of a room talking about

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an impromptu topic in Toastmasters.

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I also wasn't the very best when

it came to my speaking ability.

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I would always look in the corner of

the room, not making eye contact with

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my audience, and being afraid to being

able to share what I had on my heart

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and what my audience, I believed,

needed to hear in terms of messaging.

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One of the best ways in which we can

create this is just by practicing.

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Practicing can create many different

types of avenues for us in our lives,

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whether it is overcoming some of the

challenges that we have at our work

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or even some of the relationships

that we need to build with others.

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One of the best things that we

can do to help us is to role play.

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Figure out what kinds of situations

might be occurring, and working with

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someone that we extremely trust to give

us feedback, to help push us to have that

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context to create the direction that we

ultimately want to achieve, and then we're

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able to see where we can improve, because

even if we have to pause and think about

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what we have to say, it's always important

for us to learn from our mistakes, and

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that is the catalyst that we should always

stand by when it comes to starting out

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in this grand adventure that we call

life, and that we continuously evolve in

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throughout the rest of our lives, even

if we have to ask someone to hear us out.

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I know that a lot of this is very general,

broad strokes of what it means to be

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heard out, and your situation might

not even have been covered in what I

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had to share as general tips today, but

the most important thing to consider is

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that if you realize that you have this

ability to work on yourself, and you're

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willing to put that effort in to change

that perspective, you can be heard out.

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Your bosses, your leadership, your

significant other, your friends, your

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family, regardless of who those people

are, and what circumstances present

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themselves, all you have to do is keep

a level, cool head, know that sometimes

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people will shake, rattle, and roll us,

but we also have to stay true to what

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we ultimately want to provide to them.

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Keeping our composure might be one of

the biggest challenges for any of us,

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and I highly encourage you to practice

some of those trigger words, and how

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you can respond differently, because

once you understand what those trigger

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words are that push you aside, you know

how to then best respond in a different

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way; an extremely different challenging

perspective that allows you to create

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all the considerations that you might

have for the parties that are involved.

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Even if you just want to simply

be heard, just start trying today.

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Don't limit yourself to the potential

possibilities that you can face, or even

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create for that matter, that helps you to

be heard, that helps you to be effective

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in all the additional minutes, hours,

days, months, or years that you have been

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wasting, because if you haven't started

this kind of conversation, if you haven't

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stopped someone in the hallway or in your

house, and say, "Hear me out for a few

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moments.", maybe this is the time to start

today, because you do have an important

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voice, and that voice should be heard.

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In this ever changing world that I

always have described, that world

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is changing for you, if you're

willing to work on yourself.

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Work on the things that need to be worked

on in terms of not only the communication

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style that you're presenting, whether it's

through written form or even verbal, but

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it also means that the words that might

escape you can come back to you if you're

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just willing to give yourself the grace

and opportunity to share it, because you

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have such a sweet, sounding voice, maybe

not as sweet sounding like mine, but I

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will have to say that even with all the

things that are going on in our lives,

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if we're willing to give ourselves just

a few moments to have that patience to

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be heard, that, in itself, as the late,

great Dale Carnegie would say, is the

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sweetest language that we ever wanted

to hear, even if it's our own name, and

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even if it slips our mind, don't worry.

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There's always another time.

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There's always another try, because as

long as you believe in yourself, If you

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believe in what you have to say, if you

believe in the messaging that you're

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conveying, not only will your audience

feel more appreciative, not only will you

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have more confidence, but I think that

you'll be more determined going forward

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to resolving some of the things that

you've been holding back on for so long.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 159 of Speaking From the

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

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The Heart to subscribe and be notified

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

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services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.