Episode #163 - How We Rise From Challenging Dilemmas

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Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 163 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Now, we've been through a lot

of challenging perspectives.

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We've been through a lot of different

things that we've had to cover over

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the last few weeks, and even then,

you might be having some very tough

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conversations with yourself, or others,

that might not understand why you're

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feeling the way you're feeling, and

you try to get it out, and you try to

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say your piece, and you try to work on

your goals, and you try to make this

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meaningful progress, but all of a sudden,

it's just stopping you in your tracks.

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It's making you feel horrible, because

these people that you've been trying to

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deal with, whether it's your boss, whether

it's your significant other, whether

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it's friends, family, somebody else, it

feels like every single time that you

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bring up this subject, you feel crud.

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You feel terrible inside of yourself.

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You feel like you are meant to be

nothing to them, and you don't know

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why you keep having this feeling

and why you keep reverting back

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to that feeling of worthlessness.

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Not feeling good about yourself.

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Probably feeling a little bit

of shame, embarrassment, pain.

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Today's episode is addressing all

those, and so much more, dealing with

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the after effects of something that

might be from a challenging dilemma

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that you might have faced recently.

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If there's anybody that's an

authority on this subject, it would

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be me, your podcast host, Joshua D.

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Smith, founder and owner of Your Speaking

Voice, LLC, that has been through

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the ringer, time and time again, with

challenging dilemmas, trying to figure

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out what's the best way to move forward.

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I can be here for hours, telling you

all kinds of different situations, but

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I know that I would put you to sleep.

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I only have about 20 minutes or

less to get my point across, so

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let me try to do something that I

will, hopefully, encourage you to

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think that everything will be okay.

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Stop thinking about it!

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Easier said than done, right?

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That's always what I been told growing up.

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"Stop thinking about it.

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Just put it aside.

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Don't let it be such a big deal."

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well, if it was really such a big

deal, we wouldn't be even recording

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this episode today, let alone even

talking about some of the emotional

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appeal that takes place when it comes

to feeling the way that we do, after

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we tried to figure out what went wrong?

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Why are we having this feeling of

ridicule, shame, disparagement?

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Whatever that feeling is, whatever

that action verb that you want to

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do, whether you want to go punch

a wall, punch a pillow, maybe even

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take that long walk that you usually

don't take, and then you're sore in

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your muscles the next day, trust me.

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I've done all those

things and so much more.

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Even as an adult, I've even had to deal

with some things that are not pretty.

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It's made me have to think about,

"What is it that I'm ultimately

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thinking about when it comes to why

I have this emotional reaction?"

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Well, I'll tell you one thing.

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It's because you're human.

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We react because of the emotions

that build up inside of ourselves.

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We're expecting something to happen

instead, but even then, those feelings,

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the things that we often feel because

we are really struggling with why that

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reaction happened the way it did with

that conversation, that situation that

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occurred, but even with the things that

are challenging, I think that it's really

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hard for us to be able to separate what we

should have done, what we could have done,

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what has happened, what will happen in

the future, because we're always stuck in

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the ways in which that emotion ties to it.

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It's something that even for the default

response as a human being to a variety

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of different situations, we've had many

conversations with many guests about why

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that energy, why that thought process,

even by some trained psychologists that

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I've had on the show, to explain why this

happens at various stages of her life.

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It doesn't mean that we're a bad person.

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It just means that we have

this kind of residual effect.

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It's almost like when the ball is

thrown, we're going to catch it,

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but sometimes when the ball is

thrown, we're not going to catch it.

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Instead, we feel a sense of dread.

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We feel terrible about ourselves,

because we should have done

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something a little bit better.

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Maybe we could have handled it a little

bit differently, but finding that we

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had this type of consensus, knowing

that we were trying to challenge

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ourselves to think differently, but

yet at the same time, this reaction

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instead occurred, it can be devastating.

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It can make us feel like

we're a pile of shit.

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It can make us feel like we're

fucking ridiculous, and I know,

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I'm using swear words, but let's

face it, it can be that visceral.

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We can be really tearing ourselves

down, and we can be making ourselves

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feel like we can never escape from that

bottomless pit that we have fallen in.

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Now, after I have set the

stage, you might be asking,

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"Well, how do I get out of this?

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How do I resolve these problems?

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How can I be more prepared for the

challenging moments that will be

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happening in the future, especially if

this type of situation is occurring?"

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Let's be real.

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If I sat here and tried to explain every

sort of circumstance that would ever

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occur in your life, this episode would

be over 24 hours long, and even then,

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I would not even scratch the surface of

what some other potential possibilities

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might occur, because let's be honest.

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One of the things that we have to deal

with when it comes to these situations

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is figuring out not only what are some

of those triggers, but also what we

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can say instead, so let's run through

a couple of pointers that might help

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you with preparing for something like

this in the future, especially if

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you feel like the emotions are high.

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Now, this emotional state is something

that we have even talked about in

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Crucial Conversations for Mastering

Dialogue, but we haven't really dug

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underneath as to what those kinds of

emotions are like, hence the reason

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for having this discussion today.

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Part of the way in which we can

even start to think about how we

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can change our thoughts differently

is to just simply write down.

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When somebody says this, this

is what it makes me feel.

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You can probably think about even the

most latest conversation that you had

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in which you had a disagreement with

someone, and think about what are some

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of the words, some of the phrasing,

that made you feel the way that you did.

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It could be something that was

challenging you, pushing you aside,

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making you feel like you were worth

nothing, but the part of the story

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that I really want to get into is

why that emotional reaction happened.

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Write down all the emotions that are

associated with what that phrasing was and

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how it was said so that we have a better

picture of what we're working with, and

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by using the emotion wheel, which you

can easily Google a resource like that

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online and use it to your advantage,

start to write down all the emotions

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that associate with that phrasing.

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Nothing is off the table.

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If you have to repeat some of

those emotions, feel free to do so.

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Now, with those emotions in check,

let's push them aside for a moment,

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and think about the context of what

that statement that ultimately led you

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into the feelings that you had, how

you can start to change that dialogue.

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For many people, being able to

change that phrasing means that you

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have to understand the personality

of what that person gave you.

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In other words, how was that received by

somebody that was acting in a visceral

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way to create the emotion of having this

challenging dilemma in the first place?

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I can't account for every single type

of nuance, but for you, in general,

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what was it with that person that said

the things that they said that could

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help you to break down why, oh why, you

had those emotions in the first place?

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In narrative form, I'm simply

asking you to write down and

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explain why that feeling occurred.

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Now that you have all the emotions

identified, start to write down

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what really made that trigger occur.

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If it was something in terms of

the way it was said, or that was

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provided in a non-verbal sense, write

those sort of characteristics down.

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Think about how those things might

have had an interference with the way

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in which it processed in your brain.

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After you do those two things, the last

thing I want you to do is to write down

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what you would expect instead if you ever

had that thought come across your brain,

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or had that situation come across from

what somebody said, ever again to you.

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In other words, I want you to think

about what you would think differently

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about when someone says it that way.

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What are some things that might be some

positive manifestations, or maybe some

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more professional wording, that would

help you to calm down, calm that other

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person down, and to have a more productive

conversation at the end of the day?

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Using that three step process, using

the emotions, writing down why it made

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you feel the way you did, but also

identifying what are some more healthier

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ways to address this situation, can

help you re engage, and come at it

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with a different type of perspective

that otherwise you would have not had.

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Now, if you are struggling with this,

try to find somebody that would help

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you, and coach you through what it would

look like to write down all these things.

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Maybe they can give you also an objective

opinion, and look at it from a different

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view, or even a different type of lens,

because, When we look at these types

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of situations, sometimes we have those

rose colored glasses on, and when we're

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covering ourselves with those rose colored

fashions, that might be hurting us.

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It might be even getting in our way

of being able to overcome or even

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address that challenging dilemma,

so now I have all those things

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written down, you are ready to take

on this conversation, or are you?

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You see, I've done this type of exercise

before, and I've done it with all

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kinds of different thoughts in mind.

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The most biggest challenge that I've had

is being able to now put it into practice.

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Being able to actually hear myself

say those words out loud can be

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emotional interference in itself.

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It can push us back into having that

state of flux, battling around, trying

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to figure out, flaring our arms and legs,

"Why do we have to do this?", almost like

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a little child having a temper tantrum.

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It's okay to feel that way.

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It's uncomfortable.

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It's something that we often times

feel when we are uncomfortable about

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a situation that we're presented with,

but even then, what are some ways that

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you can practice this with somebody

that would give you some objective

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feedback as to how you're approaching

it, and how you're making a difference

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by saying something different to them,

instead of the reaction that you had?

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Once you start to put this into practice,

once you start to actually show what

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it looks like to have this kind of

conversation with somebody else, you'll

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start to feel a little bit differently

every single time that you rehearse.

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Some things are easier than others

to overcome, and it's okay to think

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about what are some ways, what

are some thought patterns, that we

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can start to institute that would

start to change that status quo.

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The way that we ultimately feel

right now can ultimately change

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for the better as a whole.

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It means that we have to, though, examine

if the emotional state has changed.

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Every time that you practice this, I

want you to write down every single

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new emotion that you might have.

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Maybe there is a different

phrasing that you're feeling.

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Maybe there has been a noticeable shift.

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That's where the power of journaling

with this comes into mind, and helps you

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to overcome those challenging dilemmas

so that once and for all, when you're

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faced with that circumstance, you're

able to keep moving forward, build

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that consensus, have that dynamic of

that situation shift, and once and for

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all, you can stop being stuck in the

after effects that we typically feel.

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Now, you might be asking yourself

after hearing this great analysis and

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having this meaningful advice, "Josh!

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I just don't feel comfortable about this.

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I feel really uncertain about whether

this change will really happen.",

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and I'm going to be honest with you.

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It might not happen.

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It might not be something that

is easily done after one try.

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It might not happen after two tries,

three tries, but I promise you that

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if you continue to stay with it,

just like any sort of great thing,

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you can start to build a habit.

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Habits are great ways in which we can

diffuse something that might've been

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really bad in the past, challenge the

status quo of the present, but see what

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the envisioned future looks like by having

a better habit that receives continuous

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feedback, and allows us to have some

perception of whether it's working or not.

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Regardless of the way in which

you want to measure it, it's okay

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to not be perfect the first time.

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I wish as a child that I was told that,

even with my own autism, because it

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would have made such a big difference

to be reassured that even though

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I wasn't able to do that right the

first time, it's okay to get back on.

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It's okay to have that pat on the back,

saying, "Josh, you're going to be alright.

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Just keep going.

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Keep doing what you're doing.

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You're doing a great job.", because

sometimes we need that reassurance.

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We need to know that we're doing the

right thing, and sometimes doing the

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right thing means that we have to have

a different perspective, even when

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that perspective might be something

that is very hard to find in itself.

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Regardless of whether it's a

coach, a friend, a family member

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that you trust, I promise you.

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If you put this into motion today, it

will happen, whether it will happen

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tomorrow, whether it will happen

the next day, a month from now, six

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months from now, even a year from now.

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It's all about building muscle, and in

the muscle world, especially when it comes

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to our brains, building that consistent,

positive habit can help diffuse what

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you might be feeling inside of yourself.

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I know that for many of us,

we are faced with challenging

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dilemmas of all shapes and sizes.

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The circumstances that we might be faced

with, the various situations, whether

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they're personal, professional, business

related, all have different contexts.

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It means that we have to analyze,

break down, showcase why it's so

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important to figure out how we can

create better decisions; how we can

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not get stuck in these after effects,

because once we address the after

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effects, we can be better stewards of

our own lives, being able to resolve

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problems at a moment's notice, and

stop holding ourselves back, thinking

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that we can't overcome the impossible.

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I know that for you and me, practice,

practice, practice can be very tough,

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but in this ever changing world in

which we have to put in the hard work,

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if you're able to at least do that,

if you're able to at least shift the

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needle forward, being able to even put

the baby steps, one foot in front of

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the other, on these types of practices

that I've showcased today, I know that

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you're going to be much better off.

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You're going to be much better in

terms of your overall handling of the

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situation that you're facing, and oh yes!

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The thoughts that were once holding

you back will ultimately disappear,

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looking like shadows of your former

self, and helping you to see what you're

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ultimately capable of becoming, which

is something pretty darn spectacular,

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and knowing that you're no longer being

held back by those limited beliefs, those

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limited things that have always been

holding you back for so long, it would

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be pretty nice to see somebody that is

very upright, confident, and very brave

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in being able to take on something that

has been holding them back, but is now

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making them stand stronger, even more

prouder than they ever had before.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 163 of Speaking from the

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart, very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

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The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

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services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.