Episode 177

Episode #172 - Exploring The Unlimited Freedom In Our Lives: An Interview With Valerie Rubin

The behaviors that we learn and adapt growing up come from a variety of different sources. Whether they are from our family, friends, or others that we hold close to in our lives, their influences can dictate a number of outcomes in whether we wish to take risks, engage in challenges that we have in our lives, and so much more. When the stakes are incredibly high and you are uncertain about moving past these fears because of not experiencing what "the other side" would look like, would you be courageous enough to seek a possibility of freedom? The owner of Freedom with Valerie LLC, Valerie Rubin, joins us to discuss how to break free from the limitations that we may experience and how to create opportunities when you take charge as the chief executive officer of our lives. Through practical tips she shares, embracing the realm of possibilities that we can experience is not only attainable, but through overcoming stereotypes, can be an achievement that allows anyone to enjoy the freedom that we already have inside ourselves to become better versions of ourselves.

Guest Bio

Valerie helps her clients heal from an anxious attachment style so they can become a match for healthy, secure love. Owner of Freedom With Valerie LLC, she works with clients on situations that include relationships that are narcissistic and emotionally unavailable, chronic anxiety, and panic attacks, which for her personally, have manifested in physical symptoms such as join pain, adrenal fatigue, and acne. Through her Anxious To Secure Method, Valerie works to address the root cause of any anxiety issue and release (not manage) it in a twelve-week process.

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Website: https://www.healmyanxiousattachment.com/

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Transcript
Intro:

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 172 of Speaking from the Heart.

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Today, we have Valerie Rubin joining us.

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And Valerie helps her clients heal from

an anxious attachment style so they can

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become a match for healthy, secure love.

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The owner of Freedom With Valerie LLC,

she works with clients on situations

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that include relationships that

are narcissistic and emotionally

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unavailable, chronic anxiety, and panic

attacks, which for her personally, have

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manifested in physical symptoms such as

joint pain, adrenal fatigue, and acne.

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Through her anxious to secure method,

Valerie works to address the root cause

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of any anxiety issue, and release,

not manage, it in a 12 week process.

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The CEO of your life is something

that we talk about in today's episode,

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and that means that you have your own

chief executive officer: it's yourself.

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Being able to talk about these areas,

talk about how she's overcome her own

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life journey, is something that Valerie,

not only was really open about today, but

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really helped us to understand how some

people, even through chance encounters,

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can create manifestations of our own.

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Whether we think we have to do it

with somebody else or not is really

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a test for today's episode, because

Valerie challenges the status quo

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of what it means that even though we

go through some of the most toughest

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of things, we can challenge it.

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We can be in charge, and that even when

we feel heartbroken and we need to walk

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away, we know that if we can just heal,

even if we're able to just heal one

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person, we can heal the whole entire

world, which you're going to understand

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a little bit about why I'm saying that,

but also, throwing in the towel, no matter

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how tough it might be, is not the answer.

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I have to say that this is probably

the most influential interview that

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I've ever done, not just because of the

impact that it had on me personally,

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but I think you're going to see why

Valerie, of all people that I've had

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on this show, will redefine what you

might think of, especially when it comes

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to coaching, and how it might help you

overcome what you might have been through

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in the past, but also how you're able

to see greatness in your own life, if

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you're just willing to take charge.

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But with that, let's go to the episode.

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Alright, we're here with Valerie Rubin.

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Valerie, thanks for sharing

your heart with us today.

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Valerie: Aw, hi Joshua.

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I'm so glad to be here today to share

stuff that's been on my heart, speaking

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from the heart, and I'm so grateful to be

sharing my story and different insights

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on how to heal anxious attachment, dating,

trauma, all the things we'll go over,

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but thank you so much for having me on.

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I'm so excited to be here.

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Joshua: I'm super excited that you're

here too, and I find that you are one of

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these package type of individuals that I

like having on the show, because we can

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go in a variety of different angles, so

thanks so much for doing this, and I've

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already let the listeners know a little

bit about you, but there's something that

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really stuck out to me that I feel is a

great starting point that I normally don't

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start with right away, so I'm actually

going to go right for the jugular; go

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really deep, and a lot of things that

you've talked about, even in your bio,

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was about suffering from chronic anxiety,

panic attacks, not being available,

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and I'm wondering if you could share

a little bit of your perspective/story

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as to what you were exactly going

through, and what led you into starting

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a business, which for my listeners, is

called the Freedom With Valerie LLC.

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Valerie: Yes, you got it, so I'll just

start with a little bit of my story.

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I really deeply struggled for a few

decades of my life, up until I was 21

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with crippling anxiety, chronic, and

what started to happen was it started

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to lead into deep health issues.

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Symptoms looked like fibromyalgia,

but every doctor, no demand, said

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that there was nothing wrong.

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I'm too young to be feeling this way.

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It started with chronic headaches,

then neck pain, then shoulder pain,

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then stomach aches, and then I felt

like a 90 year old woman in a 20 year

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old's body, and then I also had adrenal

fatigue, and on my website, for those

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who haven't seen my website, and even

on my Instagram, there's a before and

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after of me before I started doing

this deeper healing work, and my skin

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is completely cleared out from that.

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I look like a completely different

person, but getting to my point, I

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really deeply struggled with chronic

anxiety, and then I did talk therapy.

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I did meditation.

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I exercised all the time, I did all the,

quote unquote right things, and nothing

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was moving the needle for me in regards

to my anxiety and overthinking, and

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I felt like such a victim of my life.

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I couldn't calm down.

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I couldn't ever fully stop worrying,

and ever surrender in my life, and I

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felt like my body was betraying me,

and so for me, I then literally came

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across a woman on TikTok, who was

a rapid transformational therapist.

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It's another form of hypnotherapy that

really gets to the root cause of a lot

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of health issues, a lot of mental issues,

so this woman specialized in anxiety.

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Literally, after one session, it felt

like ten years of therapy in one session.

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I did six weeks working with this woman.

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After that, all of my anxiety

became much more manageable.

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It greatly reduced, and then,

all my health issues literally

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vanished, and went away.

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I had zero chronic pain.

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I'm chronic pain free.

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I'm able to move with ease.

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I had to take off years of my life from

lifting weights, from doing things that I

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thought would inflame me more, so that's

really how my story got started, and

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then I went into the coaching world and

started my own business, because I was

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going to get my PhD in clinical health

psychology and clinical psychology, but

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I realized that I didn't want to be a

traditional talk therapist, because of the

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huge transformation that I went through,

and so because of that, I decided to

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go the untraditional route; started a

business, started to train in this form

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of therapy called Rapid Transformational

Therapy and Hypnotherapy, and it

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completely transformed my entire life.

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As I was going through my journey, and

working with more and more clients, I

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then specialized in generalized anxiety

disorder and chronic anxiety, and I

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was so fascinated by hypnotherapy,

but it still wasn't getting as deep.

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Some clients needed who had complex

post traumatic stress disorder, a lot

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of childhood trauma, it only helped to

some degree, and you can't just regress

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people every single week necessarily, so

what I ended up doing was I started to

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receive somatic therapy sessions on myself

through different colleagues of mine.

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I did something called brain spotting,

somatic IFS, also known as parts

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work, which we can go deeper on, and

then nervous system regulation, so

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to kind of backtrack a little bit, I

went through all this anxiety reduced,

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and then I met an ex-partner of mine.

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We started dating, and it ended up being

a very toxic relationship, and something

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called a trauma bond, and so I was in a

relationship; a very serious one with a

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covert narcissist, and then all my anxiety

really came back, because anxiety is a

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messenger that something is off, and then,

I then discovered somatic therapy, brain

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spotting, and nervous system regulation,

things that were a lot more trauma

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informed that were actually working with

the body, like where these relationship

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patterns were stemming from, what caused

me to stay in this relationship when I

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rationally knew that I wasn't supposed to

stay in that, and so, because of that, I

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then realized all my clients had a similar

problem with their chronic anxiety.

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They had something called

an anxious attachment style.

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They had chronic anxiety in relationships.

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They had a fear of

abandonment, low self esteem.

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It created this blueprint, this anxious

attachment blueprint, that made it

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hard for people to leave these types

of relationships, and this is what

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actually caused people chronic anxiety.

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The people who weren't getting better,

it was because of these dynamics in

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relationships, and so then, I healed my

own anxious attachment style, becoming

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a master in somatic therapy, and then,

I decided to switch my niche to anxious

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attachment, because that was really at

the root of where all of this was coming

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from, so that's really how my involvement

started to happen, really, my soul journey

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and how I've gotten to the place I have

today, and why I started my business, and

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why I started Freedom With Valerie LLC.

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Joshua: Wow.

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There is a lot of stuff with that, and I

was very patient, because there's just so

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many questions that came up through that,

that I want to ask you, and I want to

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start with the physical aspects, because

especially with things that happen in

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our lives, I remember growing up too.

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I would have these acne breakouts too

because of how much stress I had, and

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things of that nature, and even as a male,

I know that things are different from a

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body chemistry perspective from a female,

but as I've gotten older, it's strange

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to me how I've realized that stress, and

anxiety, all those different things, can

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cause a variety of different shifts in

the way in which you respond to things.

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I'm kind of curious.

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Did that impact your self image

growing up, especially with all

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these different physical ailments?

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I imagine that you were

bullied a lot, were you?

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Valerie: Actually, that's one thing I

didn't really experience was bullying.

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I had this mask that

everything was perfect.

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In my hypnotherapy school, something that

I learned that I teach all my clients

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is we play four roles in order to stay

safe and to get attention, unconsciously.

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It's one, so four different roles: the

perfect one, the perfect child, the

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chronically ill child, the caretaker,

and the difficult/rebellious one, so

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for me, I really overlapped and shifted

into different ones, but for me growing

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up, I was the perfect child, so no one

really knew, other than close friends and

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family, what was truly going on with my

physical symptoms and what was happening.

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Growing up, I just really had these

deep core beliefs that I wasn't

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good enough, not because that was

the innate truth of who I was.

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It was because I

experienced a lot of trauma.

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My father was a narcissist, as well as

my mom was very emotionally unavailable,

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and one of my brothers is autistic, so

it was just very chaotic and my parents

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weren't available to meet my needs, so

because of that, I started to internalize

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beliefs that: "I'm not good enough."

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"I'm unlovable."

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It created a lot of these fears of

abandonment, and that's really where

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a lot of the stress was coming from,

because those needs weren't being met,

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and I didn't know how to process my

emotions, because my parents didn't, and

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so if that's unlearned, of course all

that stress is going to accumulate in

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your body, and so, physical ailments,

and physical problems, all stem down to

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one simple statement, and that is when

we are in a state of fight or flight,

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our bodies cannot heal in that state.

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We can only heal in rest and digest state.

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That's the parasympathetic

nervous system, right?

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We have our sympathetic nervous

system, which is fight or flight,

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and our parasympathetic, which

is calm, rest, and digest.

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If we're not in that parasympathetic

nervous system state, we will accumulate

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health issues, and that's the law.

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Our body can't heal in that state.

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Joshua: That makes a lot of sense

to me, and why a lot of therapists

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even that I've worked with over the

years, and even have talked to on

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the show, even involve a component

of, "You have to take a step back.

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You have to reflect on it in some way.",

and I like how you said it, because I

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haven't heard it that way before of rest

and digest, because of processing that,

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we tend to find different answers to some

of the things that we might always go to

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as our default response, or our defense

mechanism, so with that said, what was

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your defense mechanism even growing up

then, because I love the fact that you

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weren't bullied, so thanks for saying

that, because I think for some people,

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when we hear that, we think that there

might be an external influence, so it was

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more, from what I'm hearing, internal,

so what was your defense mechanism,

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essentially, that you went to, and outside

of meeting the person that helped you

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change that, what was that switch for

you, personally, that made that light

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bulb turn on that you wanted to change?

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Valerie: Yeah.

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Such great questions.

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The lightbulb moment for me, and

this really ties into my work now,

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even more so than the anxiety, was

even still, like, even with the deep

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chronic anxiety and physical health

issues, I felt I was doing all the

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right things, so I felt that I wasn't

in crisis, and that, like, I was okay.

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I was honestly just curious about what

this woman was doing, but the flip of

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the switch for me was I figured this

out a month before I saw her, but this

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was when I was like, "I really need to

attack this at the root.", this was like,

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I don't know, going into being my fourth

relationship, or third relationship.

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It was very a hot and cold relationship

and I felt like my self esteem was

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at the mercy of his text messages.

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I was so anxious.

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I remember even, like, needing

advice from my brother.

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Oh.

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I would ask him, every hour, "Oh!

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Do you think he likes me based on this?"

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Oh!

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Do you think he likes me?", because

my self esteem was very based on how

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other people perceived me, because both

of my parents are highly codependent.

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They have zero sense of self, and so

I learned that as well, but going back

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to your first question of my defense

mechanisms, so my defense mechanisms were

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like being in flight, aka I was super

effing anxious and worried all the time,

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and then I was also the perfect one.

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I masked everything.

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I suppressed everything, because I

didn't want unconsciously to add stress

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to my already stressed out family

that had an autistic brother who was

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screaming, having tantrums every day,

and then my father, who was a narcissist,

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and he had chronic health issues.

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He has multiple sclerosis.

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The last thing I wanted to do was add to

the stress, so, I pushed everything down,

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and that's really where all my physical

health issues really came from as well.

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Every thought that we think has a

physical reaction in our bodies, so

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those were my defense mechanisms, and

that was my flip of the switch moment

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of when I decided I needed to change.

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Joshua: I find that to be unique, because,

for some people, when they go through what

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you've gone through, which I hear myself

in you a lot because I grew up autistic.

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I had no idea, Valerie, until about a

couple years ago when I got a diagnosis,

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being an adult, that I suffered through

that, a lot of light bulbs went on for

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me, and I know for some of the things

that you described, I could describe

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some of my parent's relationship to

a t as it relates that to, and I feel

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that in the culture that we grow up

in, we sort of gravitate towards those

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same people, because we think that

those are influences, and I've had to

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do a lot of work to kind of separate

myself from that, so I'm wondering.

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What was the work that you had to

do to to separate yourself out?

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In other words, I know you said you

found this, and you started doing that.

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What do you think was the most helpful

moment for you to kind of be like, "Aha!

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This is what I need to do to

separate myself on that."?

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I'm wondering if you could describe

what that process was just very quickly.

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Valerie: Absolutely, and yeah,

thank you for being so vulnerable

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and sharing that diagnosis.

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That's a big thing when we've gone

our whole life and we think we're

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this way, but everything shifts when

you figure those things out about

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yourself, and so, for me, something that

really shifted everything, honestly,

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this was even like a few months ago.

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I was working with my coach around this,

because I'm new in the dating space.

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I've been single for eight months.

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I guess that's somewhat new.

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Not really, but she was like, "Listen.

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You're the CEO of your business.

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You're the CEO of your

fucking dating life."

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I'm like Shit, because I

had the pattern of settling.

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"Oh!

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I don't need someone to be, quote

unquote, perfect.", but I was

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negating the high standards that

I knew weren't reflected of me.

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My last relationship; both of us settled.

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Truly, I think that that to be true,

because both of us had a fear of not

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being chosen, all these things, that

I haven't really shared openly about

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as much, but, for me, I feel like two

things were flip of the switch for me,

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so I guess three: what I just shared

with the standards- that's why i've also

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been healthily single, securely single.

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I've not been settling and i'm super

picky, not in an avoidant way, but

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literally like this is my standards.

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This is what I want, and I won't settle

for anything less than that, because

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going back to the cultural aspect,

we are taught that, especially as

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women, that we need to get married by

a certain age in order to be worthy.

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We have to have kids by a certain age

to be worthy, all of these things, and

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these cultural aspects of, "You don't

leave people that you love.", and that

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was exactly like my parents have been.

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In five days, they'll be married 35 years.

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They definitely should have

gotten divorced many times.

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They should have been divorced, but,

going back to other two light bulb

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moments for me was when I left the

narcissist in:

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recent partner and I broke up, because

he was very avoidant, but at that

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time, I didn't realize there were still

aspects of me that were unhealed, so

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I'm grateful that that breakup brought

things to light, and I just remember our

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recent breakup, I'm trying to make this

as short as possible, but our recent

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breakup, what ended up happening was he

was like, we were getting very serious.

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We were going to move in together.

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I was even going to move states to

be with him, because we were long

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distance, and what ended up happening

is he really self sabotaged it.

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He didn't feel safe in continuing

the relationship, because he was very

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avoidantly attached, so to someone

who's avoidantly attached, closeness

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feels like suffocation, and so,

what ended up happening is we broke

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up, and I just remember sobbing.

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I felt so, like, really heartbroken.

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It was out of a movie what our breakup

looked like as he dropped me off at the

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airport, and I was crying, begging to

him, "Please don't do this to anyone else.

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Make sure that you heal."

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Obviously, he may not, but that was

also a flip of the switch moment that I

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needed to also clean up my side of the

street of what parts of me have been

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contributing to this, so, those are my

answers, but going back to your last

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point is our dating choices are, very

honestly, very unconscious until you

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do the unconscious work, like you said.

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We will repeat the same patterns.

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If your parents were codependent, if they

were trauma bonded, if they were like

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very unstable, your nervous system will

find safety in that familiarity of them

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leaving you, of them being unavailable,

of inconsistency, and so, when you do

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meet them, you might know these red

flags, but they don't ring your alarm

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bells, or you justify it by saying, "Oh.

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I'll change them.", you

know, blah, blah, blah.

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It's all coming from your inner child

and your nervous system, finding what's

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familiar, and why I've been able to shift

out of this box of dating emotionally

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unavailable people is through the work

that I've done; really, really regulating

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my nervous system so that I'm not

looking for another person to rescue me.

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Learning how to feel safe in my body

so that I'm not meeting anyone who

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doesn't feel safe in their body.

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All of these things are so important,

and ever since I've done the work

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that I've done, the somatic work,

I've become emotionally available to

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myself, so anyone who's emotionally

unavailable, I instantly get repulsed,

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so that's my whole, long spiel.

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I know I said so much, but, yeah.

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Joshua: You know, I have to think about

the fact that, for me, there was a

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time in my life that I was emotionally

unavailable for a variety of different

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people, and I know the context of what

you've talked about just the last few

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minutes has been about in the dating

scene, but, even for me, I think about

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all the past relationships that even I've

had, and how toxic I've created it because

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of being emotionally unavailable, trying

to hurt myself, and not even working on

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my own shit, to then be able to work with

other people that were supposed to be

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:

in this together, and even to this day,

Valerie, I'm even working on some of those

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:

things, and I know that I'm not perfect.

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:

I'm totally not even close to it, and

I know that there's so much work that,

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even for people like you and I that

have grown up in these environments,

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:

we find ways in which, even when we get

back on, we have to get back off for a

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:

moment, because we realized that those

are the things that we're still learning.

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:

We're still processing and we're finding,

and rediscovering, and the way that you

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said it, it just speaks some clarity

to me, and I'm sure for many people

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:

that struggle with that, especially

when it comes to not only narcissism,

328

:

but just feeling acknowledged, right?

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It just creates that anxiousness to

really get to the heart of it, and

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:

speaking of getting to the heart of

it, I want to spend some time on your

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:

business, so Freedom with Valerie LLC.

332

:

You started this to help others, to

help clients with their relationships,

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:

to overcome, even personally, some of

the things that you've said so far.

334

:

Why though?

335

:

Why give back?

336

:

I mean, isn't this about you,

and wanting to work on yourself?

337

:

Don't you think you've had all this

opportunity to continue doing that?

338

:

Why give the time of

day for somebody else?

339

:

What's your drive to

wanting to help others?

340

:

Valerie: That's a fabulous question,

and truly, it feels bigger than me.

341

:

Every time I struggle with any

challenge in my business, or I'm in a

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:

slow month, or I'm in a tough period,

it's really just a soul calling.

343

:

It's something that it felt

like I couldn't not do this.

344

:

It just felt exactly like that, and

I've always been so fascinated with

345

:

the brain; helping people heal.

346

:

I've always just loved helping

people and being that support for

347

:

people, and so it felt like such

a disservice to not be doing this.

348

:

It was just kind of like, "Well.

349

:

I have to.", and my first coach that

I worked with that I was telling.

350

:

That was the first person that I worked

with who was the hypnotherapist, and she

351

:

told me, and I remember I had some sort

of business challenge, or something going

352

:

wrong, and she said, "People need me.

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:

This is bigger than me.

354

:

It's not about me anymore.", and ever

since she said that it was like a flip

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:

of the switch, that fully rings true.

356

:

Every time I have felt like maybe

I even want to throw in the towel,

357

:

because business is fucking challenging.

358

:

Anyone who says that a

business is easy is lying.

359

:

There's going to be challenges Every

time, God always shows me a way through.

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:

It's so much bigger than me, and then each

client I meet, it's literally like I'm

361

:

talking, and helping, with my past self.

362

:

It feels like I never want to do

anything else in this entire world,

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:

and I say that with certainty.

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:

One of my previous partners asked me,

"If it was your last day on Earth, what

365

:

would you want to do?", and half the

day out, I was like, "I would love to

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:

see clients and help people.", because

it's not just about helping one person.

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:

After I work with them, and they're

healing, and they're working through

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:

their traumas, then they're not

passing that down to their kid.

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:

Now they're not projecting

it onto their partner.

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:

Now, their work is better.

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:

They're able to show

up better in the world.

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:

It's not just helping one person, it's

helping thousands, and in the Jewish

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:

religion, for example, the Torah says that

once you heal one person, you heal the

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:

world, and I fully, deeply resonate with

that, so that's really my answer, is it's

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:

just something that always has felt right

for me, and that's really where a lot of

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:

my chronic pain started to increase was,

years ago, before I started my business,

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:

I was teeter tottering between getting

my Ph.D., and starting my business,

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:

and I had the worst physical pain.

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:

It felt like my body was screaming at me.

380

:

It felt like it was on fire.

381

:

when I was applying, and

doing interviews for Ph.D.

382

:

programs and master's programs, and I've

got into many, and then once I decided

383

:

to do my training and make one of the

biggest investments I made which was

384

:

$17,000 right out of college at the time,

I had goosebumps all down my body, and

385

:

after I clicked buy, after I started my

hypnotherapy training, and it literally

386

:

felt as if God was working through me.

387

:

It felt like this was a yes from God.

388

:

All my pain was gone.

389

:

It felt like the biggest yes from my

heart, and my soul, and I completely

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:

still resonate with that to this very day.

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:

Joshua: You saying what you've said, it

defines a lot for me what this journey

392

:

has meant for me in my own business,

which my listeners know that this almost

393

:

two year journey for me, Your Speaking

Voice, has been about not only finding the

394

:

confidence, determination, relationships

to help others, but I want people to

395

:

have that voice to be able to share it

to the world, and when you said, even

396

:

from the Torah, about healing yourself

first, or even one person that you can

397

:

heal the world, I feel that, for the

longest time, I had to heal myself, so

398

:

when I hear this, I feel a sense of two

things: the conviction of wanting to

399

:

do this because you know it's the right

thing to do, but the other side of it is

400

:

to know that you willingly are pushing

aside, was supposed to be, maybe, your

401

:

path, that wasn't your path anymore,

you decided to say no, and to find the

402

:

strength in that, I think, is a true

test, a true courage if you will, of

403

:

being able to truly speak from the heart.

404

:

With that said, you are working with

people people that come from all kinds of

405

:

different backgrounds, and they might not

have had the same, similar experiences.

406

:

What does it mean to you to work

with those types of people to

407

:

help them see that other side, to

allow them to have that healing?

408

:

You call it healing.

409

:

I would call it the best

version of themselves.

410

:

What makes that bridge happen

for you and that client to be

411

:

better than they ever had been?

412

:

Valerie: A really simple answer is

connecting them to their divinity,

413

:

connecting them to their truth,

connecting them to their body, because

414

:

when you're connected to your body,

when you're connected to your emotions,

415

:

and when you can build up that self

worth that was never learned in the

416

:

first place, that's the bridge, truly.

417

:

That's the bridge from you to

your higher self, or best self,

418

:

whatever you want to call it.

419

:

It's all within you.

420

:

It's all within you.

421

:

There's so many different realities

here, and there is a reality

422

:

where you're securely attached.

423

:

You're in your healthy relationship.

424

:

You feel joy.

425

:

You feel happiness.

426

:

You feel like you can surrender,

even amidst the chaos and the

427

:

craziness that today's world bestows

upon us, and I also feel like we're

428

:

all one and we're all the same.

429

:

Even though I may have slightly different

experiences, I feel like almost every

430

:

single one of my clients has had

somewhat similar experiences to me, and

431

:

I feel like- it's like that's why I've

been called to show up in this soul

432

:

mission in this way, because I'm able

to show them that there is a way out.

433

:

I'm here to show them that you can get

through your hardest of hard times.

434

:

You truly, truly can.

435

:

Even when your mind tells

you that it's not possible.

436

:

Even when your mind wants

to throw in the towel.

437

:

Even when your mind is telling you

all these stories that you're not good

438

:

enough, that you should die, all of

this shame, it's not fucking yours.

439

:

It's literally not yours, and I was

literally working with a client on

440

:

this before I hopped on here of her

having so much shame and she felt

441

:

not good enough, and like the worst

person, like a bad person, whenever

442

:

she made a mistake, we get down to it.

443

:

When we're doing a

somatic therapy session.

444

:

It really had nothing

to do with her at all.

445

:

It literally was an internalized

belief, because her mom wasn't

446

:

paying attention to her.

447

:

Her mom was neglecting her, so a child

doesn't understand that their mother

448

:

isn't paying attention to them, so

instead of hating their mother, they

449

:

had to hate themselves in order to

survive, so it's, you're shame, you're

450

:

not good enough stories, I'm unlovable.

451

:

All these stories are not you.

452

:

You're not your higher self.

453

:

When you can unblock yourself from

these beliefs, see it from that space,

454

:

when you can do that inner healing,

you naturally become your best self.

455

:

You naturally become the higher version

of yourself, if you want to call it that.

456

:

That's this version of you,

who you're striving to be,

457

:

that's who you are right now.

458

:

How can you connect to them?

459

:

Joshua: I sit here, and I reflect

on even my own life, because even at

460

:

this time of this recording, even for

my listeners, I have to disclose the

461

:

fact that I am struggling with that.

462

:

I am struggling with the hate that

I have put for myself, even after

463

:

all these years, but I realize,

too, that the hate isn't from me.

464

:

It was from the circumstances of

everything that I've been surrounded

465

:

with, and I know that those

circumstances no longer exist, so

466

:

now, it's about changing a mindset

that no longer has to be present.

467

:

We're almost at the end of our

time, Valerie, and I want to

468

:

ask you one final question.

469

:

You say all these things.

470

:

You have worked the work, if you will.

471

:

You've put in that job to be able to

do what you need to do to help others.

472

:

What would you say is one thing

that you can inspire my listeners

473

:

today to have that healthy,

secure love that they deserve?

474

:

What's one thing that

they could start doing?

475

:

Valerie: One thing that I highly recommend

you start doing is learning how to

476

:

become emotionally available to yourself.

477

:

How do you do that?

478

:

One simple thing.

479

:

I know people hate meditating, and

especially, if you're a trauma survivor, I

480

:

also don't love sitting down meditations.

481

:

A lot of the time I like walking

meditations, but for example, I have one

482

:

meditation that is working with the body.

483

:

It's a little bit of a taste of somatic

therapy, teaches you how to process your

484

:

emotions, teaches you how to feel safe in

your body, has some breath work in there.

485

:

If you do that every single day,

I guarantee you, your entire life

486

:

will change, because when you do

that, and show up for yourself

487

:

in that way, that's showing to

yourself that I care about myself.

488

:

Even when I'm struggling, I will show

up for myself, and then you are becoming

489

:

emotionally available to yourself, and

then you become the securely attached

490

:

parent that you needed back then.

491

:

This will reflect in all

of your relationships.

492

:

It will completely transform your life.

493

:

If you pick out one thing from

that, it's doing that, and that

494

:

meditation is completely free in

my link in my bio and my Instagram.

495

:

I know Joshua is going to put that

in the show notes, but yeah, it

496

:

completely transformed my life.

497

:

It helped me reduce my own anxiety.

498

:

That's why I have it completely for

free in my Instagram bio, because I

499

:

want people to experience similar things

as I can, because you're never stuck.

500

:

Life is always changing.

501

:

Life is always moving.

502

:

It's a law of the universe that when

things go down, they have to go back up.

503

:

They will.

504

:

Even if you feel so fucking anxious

and you have the worst circumstances

505

:

in the world, it will get better.

506

:

Even if it's 5 percent better, you won't

always stay stuck feeling this way.

507

:

I promise you.

508

:

Trust me.

509

:

Take it from me.

510

:

Joshua: Trust and being able

to actually work with that.

511

:

I know that that can be such a

struggle, and I'm sure that even

512

:

people are skeptical, but you're right.

513

:

It is just about taking that first step,

and I appreciate you sharing all this.

514

:

Thank you for being so open, and I have

some more that I want to say, but before

515

:

I do that to wrap it up, I want to

give you the last few minutes, Valerie.

516

:

I would love for you

to pitch your business.

517

:

I would love for people to know

how they can get in contact with

518

:

you, maybe they are interested

in some coaching work from you.

519

:

How would they be able to also

access some of your social

520

:

media, especially with Instagram?

521

:

I'm going to give you the

last few minutes to do that.

522

:

Valerie: Yes, so my Instagram is

@HealWithVal, so that's H E A L with

523

:

Val if you type that on Instagram.

524

:

I give you so many tips, resources.

525

:

things to show you how

to actually do this work.

526

:

I have all of that as well as my podcast.

527

:

It's called the Anxiety Recovery

Podcast by Valerie Rubin.

528

:

I have amazing experts and

guests that share expert advice.

529

:

They share different insights

on how to actually heal from

530

:

trauma, heal your nervous system.

531

:

It's like a free hour of therapy every

single Thursday, and I love having people

532

:

on there, souls who are also on a similar

mission to me to help heal the world one

533

:

soul at a time; so many deep things there.

534

:

I love being on the podcast and I

love being on other people's podcasts.

535

:

Those are some ways you can connect

with me, and then I have a eight week

536

:

program that shows you, step by step, how

to heal your anxious detachment style.

537

:

It's called Freedom from

Anxious Detachment Blueprint.

538

:

It's a one on one each week.

539

:

We're doing the work.

540

:

We're getting through it.

541

:

It's all my years of therapy, all my years

of tools, thousands and thousands and

542

:

thousands of dollars in my own personal

development is literally all wrapped up

543

:

in this eight week program, so you don't

have to wait years for a breakthrough.

544

:

It's literally in less than 60 days,

you will become securely attached.

545

:

Joshua: I am working on so many things

I want to say to you, and this is one

546

:

of these episodes that I have to ask

myself the question of, "Should I be

547

:

even listening to my own guests?", and

it's interesting, Valerie, what you've

548

:

been through, and I even said it earlier.

549

:

The parallels between what you've been

through, and what I've been through are

550

:

strikingly similar, and that the things

that you've been through, you have seen

551

:

that other side while I'm in the middle

of that shit sometimes too, still trying

552

:

to work through all of that, but what

I find to be really fascinating, and

553

:

really a hope, if you will, of your

story is that you're paving that path.

554

:

You're willing to work with

people and you're willing to

555

:

not settle for less anymore.

556

:

I think that for settling and thinking

that you are going to get whatever

557

:

you want by settling, that's not

really true whatsoever, and I think

558

:

we find that in our professional life.

559

:

We find that in our personal life.

560

:

We find that in so many

venues, and I have to say.

561

:

There are things that you've said to

us today, even me included, that I'm

562

:

thinking, "Where can I go from here?",

and you gave some of that blueprint

563

:

today, and I think if anything else,

being able to be courageous to share all

564

:

these things is something that I haven't

had in a guest in quite a long time.

565

:

Thank you for being so open about the

variety of aspects that I think many of us

566

:

can identify and attest to that if we can

overcome those things, not only can we be

567

:

able to have that love, we can have that

ability to find freedom in our lives, so

568

:

Valerie, for all those reasons, thanks for

being on Speaking From The Heart today.

569

:

I really enjoyed not just the

conversation that we had, but

570

:

keep doing what you're doing.

571

:

You're doing great work, and from

one coach to another, thank you for

572

:

continuing to challenge the status quo.

573

:

Valerie: Hmm.

574

:

Mm hmm.

575

:

Thank you, Joshua, for having me on.

576

:

Thank you for allowing me to literally

speak from my heart and share these

577

:

deeper things, because some of these

things I haven't shared publicly, and I

578

:

just really love what you said as well.

579

:

I want people to embody freedom, because

on the other side of your anxiety,

580

:

your physical health issues, your

chronic pain, your anxious attachment,

581

:

on the other side of that is freedom.

582

:

That's literally why my eight week

Freedom From Anxious Attachment Blueprint.

583

:

That's why it's called that, and that's

why my business name is called Freedom

584

:

With Valerie LLC, because I want you all

to experience that joy, that freedom, that

585

:

aliveness, that joy, and that love that's

already within us; already within us.

586

:

We just need to reconnect with it.

587

:

Joshua: Thanks for reminding us

of all of that, and again, thanks

588

:

for being part of the show.

589

:

I want to thank Valerie again so

much for being part of the show.

590

:

She really helped me to understand some

aspects of my own personal life, which,

591

:

even after the show, I've had a few

conversations with her, just to get a

592

:

little bit more of an understanding of

her style, and it was really uplifting.

593

:

It was really encouraging for me, and I

think that we all need to learn that even

594

:

when we go through some of these toughest

moments in our life, even when we're

595

:

going through trauma, pain, frustration,

sorrow, depression, anxiety, all these

596

:

things and so much more, there is hope.

597

:

Even when we struggle with a variety of

different areas, we might be mistreated.

598

:

We might be really pushed into a corner,

whether that's in the physical sense

599

:

or the mental sense, we can always find

hope, even in the smallest of things, and

600

:

I really love the fact that when Valerie

talked about this random TikTok video

601

:

that she saw, it really changed her life.

602

:

It changed her perspective.

603

:

It led into what she's able to

do today, which shows you that

604

:

limitation should not hold you back.

605

:

Rapid Transformation Hypnotherapy

were just some of the tools in her

606

:

toolbox that she was able to gain that

helped her to not only reduce what

607

:

was happening in her life, which was

crumbling around her, but also reduce the

608

:

anxiety that she was feeling about it.

609

:

Even with all the things that we

have as tools at our disposal, many

610

:

people are skeptical of things such

as somatic healing, parts work,

611

:

nervous reductions, but yet, if you

have never tried it, don't knock it.

612

:

You never know what might work for

one person over another, and I think

613

:

that is something that if people

are willing to try, if they're

614

:

willing to put that step towards that

direction, why not give it a try?

615

:

Some people might not even know what

those other people might be going through,

616

:

so that they are judging before that

person even tries it, so when you're

617

:

able to say to somebody, "Yes, you should

explore that.", jump on that chance,

618

:

jump on that opportunity, because of

people like Valerie, we are able to have

619

:

that kind of choice, that we are able

to explore that, when we don't have the

620

:

tools or the gifts at our own disposal.

621

:

When we're able to process that

effectively, we're able to become

622

:

better versions of ourselves.

623

:

No matter what way you might want

to look at it, we can be healed if

624

:

we're willing to try new things.

625

:

That's why resting, why we should

digest things, how we recover through

626

:

these different patterns of life,

will all happen at various stages.

627

:

We don't even know until we try, as

I said earlier, if we are able to

628

:

try, we can bring, at the mercy of

someone, what it means to unmask and

629

:

address areas of our life that we would

have otherwise not had answers for.

630

:

I shared with Valerie, even after the

show, about my own diagnosis of autism,

631

:

being on that spectrum, not realizing

that many of the struggles of anxious

632

:

attachment, depression, all those

frustrations really held me back from

633

:

becoming a best version of myself,

and still, in some form, do today.

634

:

I have to learn, though, that when I

am able to embrace some of the tools

635

:

and techniques that even Valerie

has mentioned today, I can become

636

:

better in my own heart, my own soul.

637

:

It's allowing me to have that privilege

to become able to take charge.

638

:

What are those standards

that I can live by?

639

:

What should be chosen?

640

:

What are the things that I should

not settle for less, and how I can

641

:

not feel heartbroken anymore, and

walk away from the things that are

642

:

not helping me manifest growth.

643

:

Those are the things that if I wanted to

hire myself as the chief executive officer

644

:

of my life, those qualifications, those

questions would have to be asked during

645

:

that interview, and I better damn well

have an answer for that; be prepared for

646

:

what I have to share with it, because I

should stay convicted in terms of what

647

:

I'm able to achieve, and that's what you,

my listeners, are able to do if you're

648

:

willing to take charge of your own life.

649

:

It's not easy.

650

:

It means that you might have to push

back at some people that are adamant

651

:

about what direction you should go, how

you should feel about any sort of choice

652

:

that you make, how you are responding to

those choices, but how it feels to grow

653

:

bigger, to help yourself grow in these

opportunities, to prosper in ways that

654

:

you have never seen ever in your life,

whether that's in a financial sense or

655

:

not, might be some of your motivations

of wanting to change in the first place.

656

:

What struck me about Valerie's interview

today is when she quoted from the

657

:

Jewish Torah saying that if you heal

one person, you can heal the world,

658

:

it started to shake me at the core.

659

:

Now you might be asking yourself, "Josh.

660

:

This should be no secret.

661

:

You've already been sharing this

quite a lot in other episodes,

662

:

including your monologues.

663

:

I've been following you

for over a year and a half.

664

:

You should know by now that these are

the things that you even preach about.",

665

:

but then it started to really strike me,

because it's from a religious context

666

:

that this is coming from, and I'm sure

that for many of us, we have skepticism

667

:

about whether it means that we should

be really treating ourselves fairly.

668

:

Why we should be even encouraging

each other to become better

669

:

versions of ourselves.

670

:

If the religious aspect of this

is that we should heal one person

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:

so that we can heal the world, why

should I take that responsibility?

672

:

If everybody else is being able

to do that, if they're being

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:

charged to do that, why should I?

674

:

Well, I think that in Valerie's story

today, if you don't take charge, if

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:

you're not willing to even heal yourself,

who else is supposed to do that?

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:

Your mom?

677

:

Your dad?

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:

Your friends?

679

:

Your family that are extended

beyond your mom and dad?

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:

Your brother?

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:

Your sister?

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:

Who is it going to be?

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:

I have to challenge you in that

you have to realize that that

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:

healing starts solely with you.

685

:

Let's be real.

686

:

Even with all the training that you can

receive, all the connection to divinity

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:

or the religious context, if you want

to even put it that way, your self

688

:

worth isn't just developed by training.

689

:

It's not just by creating this context.

690

:

You have to be able to also practice it,

so if you throw in the towel today, if

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:

you're not willing to give yourself that

answer that you deserve, then of course.

692

:

Shame is going to control you.

693

:

It will become the precursor to every

single decision that you will make.

694

:

You won't be able to overcome, and

you won't be emotionally available to

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:

those that really matter, because you

have to first show up for yourself.

696

:

That's really a hard pill to swallow,

even for myself, your podcast host, to

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:

swallow that pill that if I have to become

emotionally available, and have to work

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:

on myself first, that's a tall order.

699

:

That means that I have to let go

of some of the things that have

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:

been holding me back for so long,

and stop living in the past.

701

:

It means that I have to let go.

702

:

It means that with all these struggles

I have to also realize that I have

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:

the inherent power to change the

course if I feel depressed, anxiety,

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:

if I'm sick to my stomach, if I can't

see very well, hear very well, if I

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:

can't feel anything within my fingers,

regardless of what it might be, all

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:

the different techniques that might be

available, including even hypnotherapy,

707

:

if I'm not willing to take charge of

myself, all of this will be for naught.

708

:

I know that it's very easy for us to

just disregard and just move on, to

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:

put that into a box and push it aside.

710

:

That's what most abusers try to do to

their victims, so that, even then, as I

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:

have dealt with clients that have gone

through some traumatic things in their

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:

life, I've realized that they've put it

away, because they were never given the

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:

opportunity, or the equipment, to be able

to resolve those situations on their own.

714

:

They weren't the CEOs of their life.

715

:

They let something else take over that

took charge of what they're supposed to be

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:

feeling, doing, seeing, feeling; all those

things, which is why they did settle for

717

:

less, which is why they felt heartbroken,

which is why that standard in which they

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:

were trying to meet, could never be met.

719

:

You might underestimate the power of

therapy or coaching, but when you put

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:

the two together It's a manifestation

of a force that can't be reckoned with.

721

:

It's something that even when mercy

begs, mercy is for the weak, as one

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:

of my most famous actors had once

said, but mercy is okay to have.

723

:

It's okay to go through this, not know

all the answers, to feel the way that

724

:

we are feeling, but if we're able to

heal that one person, if we're able to

725

:

heal the whole entire world through that

process, I think that's pretty cool.

726

:

I think that coolness needs to be

rectified again, especially in our society

727

:

that is grieving, that is hurting, that

is going through so much because we're

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:

only worried about our own self worth.

729

:

Sure.

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:

That means you have to work on yourself

first, and for many of my episodes,

731

:

I have preached that, because I think

that it all starts with you, but I've

732

:

also said that when you start with

yourself, you must also look around you.

733

:

You must see what other people are doing.

734

:

Sometimes it is okay to turn

away, especially when those

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:

people are very bad influences.

736

:

It's okay to embrace what you are as

an individual, but the moment that

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:

you stick with that, and you also turn

your cheek the other way when someone

738

:

else is willing to give you something,

is when shame begins, because you're

739

:

ashamed of what that other person might

be able to contribute to your life.

740

:

Open up your heart.

741

:

Open up your mind, and

see what's around you.

742

:

If you're willing to overcome, you

will become emotionally available.

743

:

You will be attuned to what's around

you, even yourself, and oh yes!

744

:

You will become the Chief Executive

Officer of your life, once again.

745

:

Success isn't defined by all these

different things that we're able to do.

746

:

That's what I thought at one point in

my life, but as Valerie has reminded

747

:

me today, and as many of my other

guests have reminded, even you, my

748

:

listeners, life is not about what you

are able to do in the quantity sense,

749

:

but what you're able to do with quality.

750

:

If you're able to let go of

these struggles, if you're able

751

:

to create this manifestation

in your life, trust me on this.

752

:

You will become emotionally available.

753

:

You will overcome all the physical,

mental limitations that you once

754

:

put on yourself, and oh yes!

755

:

You will enjoy the freedom that

you've always deserved, regardless

756

:

of what might be holding you back,

that anxious attachment or more, just

757

:

know that people, places, things, and

opportunities will keep on walking

758

:

by, until you radically transform, if

you're willing to share yourself and

759

:

your heart, in more ways than one.

760

:

If you're able to do that, success

will certainly come your way.

761

:

Thanks for listening to episode

number 172 of Speaking From the

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:

Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart very soon.

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:

Outro: Thanks for listening.

764

:

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

765

:

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

766

:

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

767

:

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

768

:

See you next time.

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About the Podcast

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Speaking From The Heart
Your Speaking Voice LLC's Business Podcast

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About your host

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Joshua Smith

Joshua D. Smith is the Owner and Founder of Your Speaking Voice, a life coaching, business coaching, and public speaking company based in Carlisle, PA. Serving clients across the world, Joshua got his start in personal/professional development and public speaking in April of 2012 through his extensive involvement in an educational non-profit organization called Toastmasters International.

Toastmasters International operates clubs both domestically and internationally that focus on teaching leadership, development, and public speaking skills. Joshua quickly excelled in Toastmasters International and found that he had a passion for leadership and helping others find their confidence and their true "speaking voice". Joshua has held all club officer roles and most District level positions in Toastmasters International and belongs to numerous clubs throughout the organization. Joshua has also been recognized as two-time Distinguished Toastmaster, the highest award the organization bestows for achievement in leadership and communication.

Outside of his community involvement, education is something that Joshua has always taken great pride in. His academic achievements include a number of degrees from Alvernia and Shippensburg University. He earned a Bachelor's degree in political science and communications from Alvernia in 2009, a masters of business administration from Alvernia in 2010, and later a masters in public administration from Shippensburg in 2014.

In the professional world, Joshua has held multiple positions with the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania for over 14 years which includes a variety of data analytics, procurement, budgeting, business process improvement (IT and non-IT), legal compliance, and working with the blind. He has applied his public speaking and development skills in the professional world to tackle numerous public speaking engagements and presentations from all levels of the organization, including executive management.

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