Episode #95 - The Ultimate Cost Of Not Staying With Change

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Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

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determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

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This is Speaking From The Heart.

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Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 95 of Speaking from the Heart.

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This is going to be a tough

episode for me because I am

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going to be absolutely raw today.

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It's something that I have been holding

back for quite a long time, even starting

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this podcast, about the importance of not

only creating that change that we need

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in our lives, but what is the ultimate

cost of not being able to stay with that

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change; really, manifesting that change so

that we are able to become better versions

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of ourselves, and I thought that was about

time to share this story along with all

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the things that I've been holding back,

especially since the very first episode

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of this podcast, because I wanted to build

the repertoire, the atmosphere and also

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the encouragement of you, the listener,

being able to learn so much about me and

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some of my viewpoints on a variety of

different topics, whether that's been with

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guests that we've had on the show, let

alone the individual topics that we've

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covered in these monologue episodes.

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I feel that for many of us, not being able

to embrace or even acknowledge that change

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comes from a source of not only shame,

but also guilt; not realizing our true

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potential to create the opportunities that

we have lying dormant inside of ourselves.

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We have to learn that there are lessons

in life that we have to teach ourselves,

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whether that is through the easy way,

which means actually getting a mentor

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and assigning that opportunity to them

to share that knowledge or even impart

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that type of response that we're looking

for, or the hard way: falling into it

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and not being able to rise from it as

a result of all the different things

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that we've gone through, because if we

fall in that hole and we don't crawl

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out of it, we are going to rely on the

darkness to guide us, and the darkness

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is not the answer to solving a lot of

what life's problems are all about.

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I know that for many episodes early on,

I've talked about my suicide attempt,

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and why I tried to end my life; why it

was so important for me to end it all

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when everything I felt in my life was

lost, but I didn't share a big part of

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the reason why I still struggle with it

to this day, and even as I record this,

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I still have thoughts of: What would

it have been like if I would have ended

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my life and would have been successful?

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What would it have been like if I would

have just fallen off the face of the

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earth, but how many times have I waited,

hoping that something would change, but

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not instilling that change in myself.

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Why would I be holding back when I know

that I have these gifts to give now, and

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squandering those opportunities meant

that I was also losing a part of myself.

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As I look back at my 37 years on

this earth, I feel that I have been

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neglecting not just who I am as a

male individual, but also what I've

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been able to contribute as a whole.

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Worrying about what other people thought

of me and the ways in which I felt

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about myself were all intrinsically and

extrinsically creating havoc in my life.

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Every day would feel like another journey

in which I was dealing with some sort

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of invisible force trying to wreak havoc

with all the things that I had going

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good in my life and trying to find the

bad that was creating that emotional

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toll of not being able to continue.

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That voice of self confidence was

something that I was lacking for a

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very long time, and I'll give you

some examples of what I mean by that.

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Not being able to find a woman to date.

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Relying on somebody else to tell

me what I should hold as value.

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Feeling that I was incapable of holding

a conversation, given the fact that at

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the times that I even talked about this,

I had no idea that I was autistic, and

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to be able to communicate with others,

was very tough in its own right, but

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we don't wait for the right moments

to be able to form those communicative

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relationships that we have with others.

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We make those moments come alive when

we know that it's the right time to do

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so, but I struggled with life and not

figuring out when that right time was

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because that moment that I was trying to

lead in my life was full of distraction.

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Whether it was people yelling at me,

which even included my parents, even my

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siblings, and even others that made me

feel like I was inadequate, really did

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destructive damage, and it allowed me to

retreat into a world that maybe I should

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have not created in the first place.

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I've relied on stranger's affirmations,

which I remember even in the: 1990

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2000s, relying on other people's words of

wisdom on chat rooms that America Online,

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the internet provider that was the pro

choice for many people to be able to

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connect in what used to be the modem days.

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Yes, I'm talking about the 57,000

kilobytes per second that we would all

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connect to through one server, or a

couple servers depending on where you

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were located at in the United States,

to be able to access the internet.

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One of the things that I felt comfort

in was being able to talk to others

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my age, at least I thought were my

age, about some of the things that

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were going through in my life, but

what ultimately led into some of those

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conversations turned into addiction.

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Addiction of wanting people's

satisfaction, wanting people to

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acknowledge who I was, but it

ultimately led into what I really

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dread talking about in this show

today, which is my addiction to porn.

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Yes, that's right.

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I have an addiction to porn.

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I was really trying to satisfy not only

my thirst for sexual pleasure, but also

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trying to figure out why, oh why, as

somebody that was struggling with it so

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badly, and even struggles to this day with

it, why I can't find acknowledgement or

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satisfaction in just the conversations

that I have with other people.

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Why can't I just feel like I'm one person

that can connect with another person and

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show my true value instead of relying on

other images or even other conversations

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for that matter, to make me feel good?

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Now, I won't be graphic about what

I feel is really appropriate to this

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subject, especially disclosing this

sort of fact, but I know that for many

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people that are listening to this, you

might be dealing with an addiction,

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but it's not necessarily porn.

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It could be alcohol.

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It could be even dealing with a

significant other and trying to find

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that love in a relationship, but you're

not finding it, so you stay with them

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thinking that as long as you stay with

them, you will find that answer with

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them, but maybe you're even trying to

find that moment in life where you feel

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that it will be the most fulfilling,

whether that is smoking a cigarette,

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getting to that moment where you can take

a break and be able to smoke nicotine,

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or maybe it's some sort of other,

harder drug: fentanyl, heroin, cocaine,

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whatever the drug is, you might be

turning to that as your source of escape.

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Sticking with that theme, is that your

vice to give you the excuse to say

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that you're not going to change, and

that you're a worthless piece of shit.

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Those are the words that I always

told myself: that I was a worthless

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piece of shit, and we have to find out

why that time in our lives, whether

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that's something that we used to deal

with in the past, or even if we deal

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with it now, continues to be a tough

subject to swallow, especially when

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it addresses some of the things that

might be holding us back from having

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that prosperous life within our reach.

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How long will it take for you

to acknowledge something that

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I even have acknowledged today?

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Today, maybe you'll do it?

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Tomorrow, perhaps?

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How about 50 years from now?

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Well.

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That decision is really yours, but if

you're not going to be able to spend

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your time to acknowledge that change

comes from acknowledging first that

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you have a problem, well, you're never

going to be able to solve that problem.

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One of my clients recently brought

up the fact that it's really been

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a toxic environment, especially

in the United States, to deal with

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a number of different politics.

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Things that we often have as camps or

tribes for that matter, which we've

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talked about on various episodes of the

importance of being able to find that

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tribe that makes you feel supported and

grow in a way that's meaningful, but what

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I should have mentioned, even in those

past episodes and even future episodes for

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that matter, is that your tribe does not

come from learning from like mindedness.

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It comes from others challenging your

viewpoints in a safe environment to

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make you feel like you could be better,

not only in your craft, but also in the

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things that you're trying to achieve.

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In other words, if you're sharing these

things in people's lives that are really

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toxic in nature, and you're not working

on the stuff, or the junk in the basement,

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in order to address why you're holding

yourself back, you're never going to

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excel, and you're never going to be

able to create that moment of change

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in your life that will be able to be

looked upon in the past, that you'll

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be able to look upon in the future,

looking at your past, saying that that

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was the moment that everything changed.

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The longer you wait, the longer

that the cost is by staying in

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that unfiltered mindset of yours.

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I'm not proud of what I've shared with

you today, and I know that I will probably

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get messages and notices and phone calls

about how much of a disgusting person

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that I am that I look at those things,

but I intentionally am being vulnerable

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for this reason and this reason alone.

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I, as a coach, as somebody that is

a host of a podcast that talks about

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vulnerability and accountability,

needs to come clean with what I have

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been struggling with for so long.

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Porn.

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That disgusting word, but yet is it

disgusting when you think about the fact

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that we're all human, striving for that

connection, and wanting to be loved?

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I think that we find love

in all the wrong places.

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We find things that we really want

to be attached to, or even attracted

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to for that matter, that allow us to

feel really good about ourselves, and

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sometimes those things that we feel

good about, we don't even realize that

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down the road, they are actually the

most disgusting things that we should

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have never even participated in in the

first place, but being able to separate

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ourselves from that means that you have

to take a close, hard look at yourself.

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Face the truth and acknowledge that

sometimes the things that you're doing

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are wrong, and being able to self check

yourself is the hardest language in

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itself to communicate, and if you think

that you are talking to yourself and

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being able to have that conversation,

and you're able to do it intentionally

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without having any sort of objective or

subjective bias, you're still failing at

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it because you cannot truly, as a human

being, be able to separate yourself from

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what is fact versus fiction, unless you

absolutely talk about this with somebody

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that will understand and relate to you.

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You have to work on not just yourself,

but the things that you have to achieve

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in order to understand that holding

back, that feeling of not being able to

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address what's going on in your life,

comes from the fact that you're not giving

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yourself truthful answers about yourself.

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In other words, If you wait too long

to create that trust, that systemic

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change in your life with someone that

can hold you accountable, let alone

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teach you important lessons about what

you can do to move forward, you are

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a disgusting, terrible human being.

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That's right, I said it, and that's

a pretty strong stance coming from a

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coach, somebody that's supposed to be

there to help support you and guide

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you, set goals, make you accountable

for what you're trying to do, whether

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that's in a personal, professional

sense, in which I do for my own business,

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or for some other matter, whether

you are working with someone else.

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You are a disgusting piece of shit if

you don't work on yourself, and that

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is what I am saying to myself today and

acknowledging with you, my listeners,

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that I have a lot more work to do to be

better and to hold myself accountable.

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Now, if you're listening to this and

you're saying to yourself that I'm telling

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you that you're a failure, you're wrong.

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Matter of fact, you are not only

wrong about what I am all about

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on this show, but that means that

you don't understand what this

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whole podcast has been all about.

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We have to be truthful with ourselves in

order to get to the level that we really

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need to get to, which means answering

tough questions that we otherwise don't

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want to answer because we're afraid of

what the answers will be, and that's been

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my whole purpose also of doing this show.

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It's not just about the authentic

conversations about topics that might

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hold us back, but it's about understanding

that we need to be able to create that

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content, that context for ourselves, in

which we're able to be able to believe

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that we have the power to escape those

negative thoughts about ourselves.

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You have that opportunity, and that

is exactly what I'm saying today.

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Your opportunity to trust yourself

and change and evolve into the person

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that you are allows you to create

not only that content, not only that

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context, but allows you to not pay

the cost anymore for holding back.

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You are not a failure and by being a

failure if you think that you are and

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allowing yourself to say that you are

that disgusting person, that means that

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you're not open to that change and you're

again not listening to what I have to say.

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I am only speculating that for those

people that never want to try to do that,

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whether they want to make that change

in their lives or not, that they're

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not willing to work on themselves.

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Those are the people that should

be disciplined, but the people that

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are intentionally trying to work

on themselves and become better

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people than what they are today?

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You are the people that

I want to work with.

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You are the people that deserve to

be worked on, and you need to give

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yourself that value today that you

are giving yourself permission to

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make that change happen in your

life, no matter how difficult or

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how extreme it might be, because you

have all to achieve and everything

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to lose if you don't work on change.

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As I've always said to many of my

clients and I have even advocated on

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this show, change is an inevitable part

of the process of living on this earth.

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No matter where you live in the world,

no matter what you're dealing with, no

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matter what circumstances individually

that might be the precursor to what got

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you where you are in the first place,

whether that's in a good way or a bad way,

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we all have work that we need to work on.

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It means that you are capable of not just

creating that best value in your life,

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but it means that you have the mindset

to change everything that you find is

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absolutely disgusting in order to no

more pay the cost of not being able to

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make change, so this is for you today.

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Acknowledge to somebody that you really

care about something that you're deeply

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struggling with, but you're not quite

sure or afraid of how to best say it, and

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it's okay if it doesn't come out right.

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It's all about you taking that first step.

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I want you to take that first

step today just like I did in

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sharing my difficulty, because I

know I'm going to get help for it.

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This testament, this episode, will

allow me to share this with others so

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that they will know and understand what

I'm going through and when I have no

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ability to communicate that because of

my autism or because of other means.

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You have the power to change it.

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I want you to stop paying the expenses

and the costs that are involved

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with something like this, because

you don't need to pay it anymore.

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Not only are you going to pay that to

somebody else that will help you work

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through it, but you're going to be soon

charging yourself with that ultimate

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responsibility to help yourself not only

become the best version of yourself,

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not only to find your voice in this

ever changing world, not only to become

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authentic in nature, but through humility,

you will gain strength, and that change

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will not only become the best version

of yourself, but the best feeling in

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the world to know that you finally have

embraced it, to keep moving forward.

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Thanks for listening to episode

number 95 of Speaking From The

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Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart very soon.

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Outro: Thanks for listening.

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For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

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The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

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Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

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services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

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See you next time.